Emily <emily@privacy.net> wrote in news:MPG.1c639f6b9de335a298b923
@news.individual.net:

my spam filter thinks that you're mailing me from Korea.  Why?

Checking korea.blackholes.us makes it clear that I have a bug in my spam
filters.  I'm going to yank the korea test, or at least fix it.  I'm at
GMT-7, and it is 1837 right now.  Give me 20 minutes to fix, then try
again.

The History of the English Language

by Owen Alun and Brendan O'Corraidhe

    In the beginning there was an island off the coast of Europe.  It
had no
    name, for the natives had no language, only a collection of grunts
and
    gestures that roughly translated to "Hey!" "Gimme!" and "Pardon
me, but
    would you happen to have any woad?"

    Then the Romans invaded it and called it Britain, because the
natives
    were "blue, nasty, br(u-i)tish and short."  This was the start of
the
    importance of u (and its mispronounciation) to the language.  
After
    building some roads, killing off some of the nasty little blue
people
    and walling up the rest, the Romans left, taking the language
    instruction manual with them.

    The British were bored so they invited the barbarians to come over
    (under Hengist) and "Horsa" 'round a bit.  The Angles, Saxons, and
Jutes
    brought slightly more refined vocal noises.
   
    All of the vocal sounds of this primitive language were
onomatapoeic,
    being derived from the sounds of battle.  Consonants were derived
from
    the sounds of weapons striking a foe.  "Sss" and "th" for example
are
    the sounds of a draw cut, "k" is the sound of a solidly landed axe
blow,
    "b", "d", are the sounds of a head dropping onto rock and sod
    respectively, and "gl" is the sound of a body splashing into a
bog.
    Vowels (which were either gargles in the back of the throat or
sharp
    exhalations) were derived from the sounds the foe himself made
when
    struck.
   
    The barbarians had so much fun that decided to stay for post-
revel.  The
    British, finding that they had lost future use of the site, moved
into
    the hills to the west and called themselves Welsh.
   
    The Irish, having heard about language from Patrick, came over to
    investigate.  When they saw the shiny vowels, they pried them
loose and
    took them home.  They then raided Wales and stole both their
cattle and
    their vowels, so the poor Welsh had to make do with sheep and
    consonants.  ("Old Ap Ivor hadde a farm, L Y L Y W!  And on that
farm he
    hadde somme gees.  With a dd dd here and a dd dd there...")
   
    To prevent future raids, the Welsh started calling themselves
"Cymry"
    and gave even longer names to their villages.  They figured if no
one
    could pronounce the name of their people or the names of their
towns,   
    then no one would visit them.  (The success of the tactic is
    demonstrated still today.  How many travel agents have YOU heard
suggest
    a visit to scenic Llyddumlmunnyddthllywddu?)
   
    Meantime, the Irish brought all the shiny new vowels home to Erin.  
But
    of course they didn't know that there was once an instruction
manual for
    them, so they scattered the vowels throughout the language purely
as
    ornaments.  Most of the new vowels were not pronounced, and those
that
    were were pronounced differently depending on which kind of
consonant
    they were either preceding or following.
   
    The Danes came over and saw the pretty vowels bedecking all the
Irish
    words.  "Ooooh!" they said.  They raided Ireland and brought the
vowels
    back home with them.  But the Vikings couldn't keep track of all
the
    Irish rules so they simply pronounced all the vowels "oouuoo."
   
    In the meantime, the French had invaded Britain, which was
populated by
    descendants of the Germanic Angles, Saxons, and Jutes.  After a
    generation or two, the people were speaking German with a French
accent
    and calling it English.  Then the Danes invaded again, crying
"Oouuoo!
    Oouuoo!" burning abbeys, and trading with the townspeople.
   
    The Britons that the Romans hadn't killed intermarried with
visiting
    Irish and became Scots.  Against the advice of their travel
agents, they
    decided to visit Wales.  (The Scots couldn't read the signposts
that
    said, "This way to Lyddyllwwyddymmllwylldd," but they could smell
sheep
    a league away.)  The Scots took the sheep home with them and made
some
    of them into haggis.  What they made with the others we won't say,
but
    Scots are known to this day for having hairy legs.
   
    The former Welsh, being totally bereft, moved down out of the
hills and
    into London.  Because they were the only people in the Islands who
    played flutes instead of bagpipes, they were called Tooters.  This
made
    them very popular.  In short order, Henry Tooter got elected King
and
    begin popularizing ornate, unflattering clothing.
   
    Soon, everybody was wearing ornate, unflattering clothing, playing
the
    flute, speaking German with a French accent, pronouncing all their
    vowels "oouuoo" (which was fairly easy given the French accent),
and
    making lots of money in the wool trade.  Because they were rich,
people
    smiled more (remember, at this time, "Beowulf" and "Canterbury
Tales"
    were the only tabloids, and gave generally favorable reviews even
to
    Danes).  And since it is next to impossible to keep your vowels in
the
    back of your throat (even if you do speak German with a French
accent)
    while smiling and saying "oouuoo" (try it, you'll see what I
mean), the
    Great Vowel Shift came about and transformed the English language.
   
    The very richest had their vowels shifted right out in front of
their
    teeth. They settled in Manchester and later in Boston.
   
    There were a few poor souls who, cut off from the economic
prosperity of
    the wool trade, continued to swallow their vowels.  They wandered
the
    countryside in misery and despair until they came to the docks of
    London, where their dialect devolved into the incomprehensible
language
    known as Cockney.  Later, it was taken overseas and further
brutalized
    by merging it with Dutch and Italian to create Brooklynese.