Joy,

What do your Mom's doctor's have to say about her prognosis? Does it
make sense to have one of them have a talk with your Mom to encourage her?

Larry

Hi Joy,

I'm a rookie lymphoma survivor.  

I'll admit that at times, I'd break down and cry and hug my wife like
it'd be the last time.  

That's how hard the impact of cancer can be.

Yet from the beginning when the oncologist introduced himself, I
wasn't scared, I wasn't shaken.  I took as if I had a job to do - to
beat cancer.  This wasn't some task to be taken lightly.  And it was
certainly not a time to feel sorry and give in.  I was 35 and I had a
lot of life left to live.  With everyone's help, I was planning on
being an old geezer!  Had he said, "sorry bud, you have only so many
days left" - well, that'd have been pretty hard to face up to.  What
can you do in that case.  But he said, "you can beat this."  That's
all I had to hear.  Plus it helps I guess, that I just as hard headed
and stubborn as can be!  ;-)  I'll do what it takes!

Plain and simple, I had reasons to live.  My wife - a chance at being
a dad.  That drove me to keep my spirits high - most of the time.
Can't stay up forever.

Talk with her about what's good in her life.  Forget about the cancer.
Friends, family, chocolate cake, etc!  Focus with her on what's good.

One could go on vacation and spend the week fretting about when they
have to go back to work......or they could party and travel and live
it up for that week, making it a good time.  

Compare that, even if rather loosely, to her situation now.

I hope that helps some.  Everyone's situation is so different, but
sometimes there's something that will come across and make a
difference.

Before I forget, you be sure and put on the face that you want to see
on your mom.  The thing that made my day, was seeing my wife come home
with her wonderful smile - made me feel great each time - strengthened
my will to survive!

Take care!

--
"Even as a survivor I'm still fighting cancer!"
Larry @ www.gotCancer.org

Only your mum knows what she is going through, and, from here, it sounds a
lot, none of it good.  I feel that at this crucial time of her life she has
a right to express her own feelings, even at the expense, perhaps, of
hurting yours.

If she has been a good mum to you, and it seems to me she was and is,
because of the amount of concern you are showing for her here, then probably
many times she has already put to one side her feelings to spare yours.

By all means try and cheer her up but do not attempt to enforce a positive
attitude, there is nothing more negative.   By all means be angry at the
cancer, and try and seek support for yourself from people who have been in a
similar situation.

All the best, my thoughts are with you

Mar?a

Hello Joy,
Is your mother at home or in hospital?
What treatments has she had and is having?
When was she diagnosed?

http://www.cancer.gov/cancerinfo/pdq/treatment/renalcell/healthprofessional/

Surgical resection is the mainstay of treatment of this disease. "
Once it has spread, it may be a tough one to beat.

Here's some possible causes and possible solutions for breathing problems
http://www.albertapalliative.net/APN/PCHB/08_Dyspnea.html
thanks
J

I am a nurse,  but not a cancer nurse.  I came to this group to find out
some information about a friend with pancreatic cancer.  I really like these
people and just kind of lurk and read occasionally.

Let me tell you about an experience of mine from years ago in nursing
school.  We were assigned to go to different support groups.  My group was
one called, 'Make Today Count' for Cancer patients.  Oh, yeah, baby, I was
really looking forward to spending my evenings away from school with
terminally ill patients.  What a ton of fun.

Here is what I learned.

Just because a person is prepared for death does not mean they are resigned
to death.  There were group members who survived cancer but continued to
attend the group.  They were an inspiration.  And all of them had faced
death and were no longer afraid.  I wish I were that strong.

Death is not the enemy.  Pain and suffering are enemies.  I told you I am
not a cancer nurse but I spent about 15 years working with cardiac intensive
care patients.  Very rarely did someone die and it was not time.  Remember
that.  What I am telling you has very little to do with physiology and
disease processes.  What I am telling you will not make sense to you at this
point in time.  Just remember what I am saying.

Death is very much like life!  It is sad and painful and can be funny and
irrelevant.  It is those who maintain a sense of humor who usually come out
on the other side of a bad diagnosis.

Why are you trying to keep positive?  What do you mean by that?  Sometimes
life sucks.  Your mom has been dealt a tremendous blow.  If she looks around
and sees her loved ones acting like it is no big deal because you are trying
to 'stay positive' she might think you don't understand the gravity of the
situation.  If this is the case, she will likely feel very lonely.   Let her
know that you are sad.  Let her know that you are human.  Assure her that
you understand the magnitude of the ordeal she is encountering.

I do not know many oncologists but the ones I know are very open and will
recommend hospice to a patient and their family when the time comes.  Have
you asked the doc honestly about prognosis?

It occurs to me that if you won the lottery, you would not ask why.
Sometimes you get lucky and sometimes life just sucks.  As a society, we
have put so much emphasis on 'prevention' and 'healthy life styles' that we
feel responsible if we get ill.  Likewise, we blame others for their
illnesses.  Quit asking 'why?' and start asking 'How?"  How do you get your
Mom through this?  How are you going to support her?  How are you going to
cope if things go south?  How are you going to cope if you get the best
possible outcome?

I am sorry to be so harsh.  I have had a lot to deal with concerning a
friend with a terminal illness and her family thinks she is just 'giving up'
because she wants to live life fully up until she dies without the side
effects of chemo and radiation.  Having said that, she has pancreatic cancer
with mets and it is much more serious than anything your Mom is dealing
with!

j

Hi,

My heart and thoughts are with you Joy,
I just found out a week ago my mother-in-law has ovarian cancer and it's in
the liver as well.

my thoughts are with you,
Dianne