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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Cancer / May 2004ok girls....
I am really pissed right now....I hate everything....someone that I know managed to piss me off by saying " I know how you feel, sometimes I feel locked up in here and I just have to get into the car and go see someone" GGGGRRRRRR!!!!! 1) no, you don't know how I feel. My husband just died. 2) who am I supposed to go see, when everyone seems to be too busy to call? 3) don't patronize me!!!! Holy sh.t....it took everything I had not to tell him to GO TO HELL! I am already having a rotten evening and now he did this....He's one of Patrick's best friends! He tells me that I have to take the initiative...well excuse me, I did....no one calls back!...or they are too busy and have to go, but Promise to call back and never do! RANT...RANT...RANT!!!!! >I am really pissed right now....I hate everything....someone that I know >managed to piss me off by saying " I know how you feel, sometimes I feel [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] >busy and have to go, but Promise to call back and never do! >RANT...RANT...RANT!!!!! You are correct, no one knows how you feel or what you think if they did it would be invasion of privacy, the feelings and thoughts are yours alone. They can all piss up a tree. You go ahead and be mad it is your right. Then when you calm down , call them up and tell them exactly what you just said They do not know how you feel and a little compassion would be in order and if they do not have the time to do that then they can piss off. Justly thought I would join in on your Rant, Love yea ((((((Big hugs))))))) > I am really pissed right now....I hate everything....someone that I know > managed to piss me off by saying " I know how you feel, sometimes I feel [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > busy and have to go, but Promise to call back and never do! > RANT...RANT...RANT!!!!! Hello Salisha, Okay, okay, big arms around you giving you girly hug and agreeing with everything that you just said. No-one knows how you feel, they are just being insensitive and saying what they think protocol depicts, and you will get pissed off with people. No-one knows how to act around the grieving (I joined the two-headed club yonks ago!) and yet in reality there is no need to say anything, just a hug or words of sympathy would be nice. Not only have you lost your husband, you have also been thrown into a whole new world, the singles club and unfortunately with that also comes loneliness. It takes time Salisha (sh.t, that is so cliche), time to lick your wounds and adjust to your new life. Little by little you will become comfortable in your new situation, you may not like it, you may wish for life to have stayed the same as it was, but we had no choice in that did we, for our own sanity we do have to move on. It does get easier, I can't believe that I have been on my own now for exactly eight months (and do you know for the first time in eight months I nearly "forgot" that today was the 28th). I haven't forgotten Tony, I still say goodbye to his picture every time I leave for work and still call out to an empty house as I leave the front door (yeah, the men in white coats are coming for me tommorrow!) but that's my way and it helps me cope. If you ever want "company" you know, I am always here (shucks, can't keep away) or you can contact me privately. Big Hugs to you now Salisha Alayne >Subject: ok girls.... >From: "Daffman" Daffman@yeah.right.com >Date: 4/27/2004 >I am already having a rotten evening and now he did this....He's one of >Patrick's best friends! So sorry you are having to cross the journey from the couple world to the single world. I remember my moms struggle with that after my dad passed away, sometimes it just sucks. Take care and vent away. Kathy J Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > I am already having a rotten evening and now he did this....He's one of > Patrick's best friends! He tells me that I have to take the > initiative...well excuse me, I did....no one calls back!...or they are too > busy and have to go, but Promise to call back and never do! > RANT...RANT...RANT!!!!! Whoa there! Slow down love and take a de-e-e-p breath, count to ten s-l-o-w-l-y............... and *then* hit him. If he's one of Patrick's best friends he's suffering as well, but in his own way. It's easier to get over the loss of friends than it is to get over the loss of someone closer than 'just' a friend, as well, so his grief is going to be a lot different from yours. We're still here though love, and you know you're welcome to rant and scream at the injustice of it all just as much as you please. It's water off a duck's back to us - we'll just let you yell and shout and cry... and then one of us will slip off to put the kettle on for a cuppa. Just because we can't be physically there for you doesn't mean we're any less real. You do know that, don't you? No one particularly wants to be part of this family here, because of what membership implies; however everyone here really *does* know, to one extent or another, how you feel, because one way or another we're there with you. I feel a bit guilty at the moment - yes, I know that's crazy - because I'm luckier than most. Mother's fine at the moment and my family are healthy, but there's a strong history of cancer on my husband's side and on mine, so who knows what the future holds? Now listen hon, you come here any time you like, y'hear? With the way this group works across the time zones there's bound to be someone here for you 24 hrs a day. In time you'll find that life is worth living and that the pain is vastly reduced; you'll even find that days can go by without something reminding you of Patrick. But that's all in the future, and the time it takes you to get to that point will be different from anyone else, because you are a different person from everyone else. You are *you*, so your reactions will be yours, and yours alone. Damn, I'm waffling again. I really hope you know what I mean, because I'm losing track of my own train of thought here. Must be old age I guess (I'm over 40, shock, horror). Oh, and ignore well-meaning advice from people who presume to think they know best. Including me if you like :-) {{{{{{{{{{Salisha}}}}}}}}}} > Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > > I am already having a rotten evening and now he did this....He's one of [quoted text clipped - 44 lines] > > {{{{{{{{{{Salisha}}}}}}}}}} It's nice to know that there are people who understand our pain, I hope your words helped, they made ME feel a little better. Phyllis > I am really pissed right now....I hate everything....someone that I know > managed to piss me off by saying " I know how you feel, sometimes I feel [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > busy and have to go, but Promise to call back and never do! > RANT...RANT...RANT!!!!! It does suck.My problem with friends and family is they tell me that in time things will "get better".I know they mean well but I will always love and miss Michelle.Then it seems that nobody wants to talk about her and the times they had with her.My mom told me she has a hard time talking about her. I dont know how long ago Patrick died.It will be 3 months this Saturday that Michelle died.I find myself more angry now than the first couple months.THe only thing I can think of is how she is forgotten by friends and family by not mentioning her.I mention her in a conversation and it is like people just want to drop the subject.And dont tell me that "you have a full plate raising two young daughters" or "God wont give you anything more than you can handle". I love my girls,thats not a problem.Yes,I do get upset that God didnt give me a full life with Michelle but I also understand that we dont think the way God does.He has a plan for all of us.He gave me ten years with the most wonderful person.She tought me a lot of things including how to raise two girls. OK,Im far enough off the subject. We have to start a new life.Maybe we have to find new friends.I find that talking to people I dont even know about other things than Michelle make me feel better.I will always love her but she is not comming back.They wouldnt want us even in the early stage to be angry and sad all of the time.Its hard. Joe > It does suck.My problem with friends and family is they tell me that > in time things will "get better".I know they mean well but I will [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > > Joe Hello Joe, Nice to see that you are still with us. How are you doing? And your two girls? From your post, you seem to be doing rather well and coping, I hope I have read things right. Take care Hugs Alayne > > It does suck.My problem with friends and family is they tell me that > > in time things will "get better".I know they mean well but I will [quoted text clipped - 34 lines] > > Alayne Hi Alayne, Sorry,its been a long time. My computer has been down. The girls and I are doing good. My mom had a hart attack about 10 days ago.She had to have a couple stents put in.She is home now and doing ok.The kids and I are staying with her for now. I hope all is well with you. Joe Ive got to go.(Hugs) > > > Joe > > [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > Joe > Ive got to go.(Hugs) Hi Joe, So sorry to hear about your mum, how is she doing?? It is good to hear that you are doing good, I take it that you are adjusting to your new role in life?? We are doing okay here too (was really pleased to hear good news about Kelly at the school parents evening, despite losing her daddy and a week later starting secondary school she seems to have settled down nicely - huge relief!), although Nikki has been poorly lately, bad cold lead to ear infection which lead to sleepless nights for us all!, but she has slept the entire day (wish I'd had the same chance) and hey, has perked up again - now that it's bedtime!! My decorating has moved on to the final room in the house, the conservatory (previously Tony's room), and feel that as a consequence my grief has shifted a gear slightly too, in that it may well have dawned on me these days that his absence is not simply a temporary measure, but saying that the tears don't seem to have re-started and on the odd occasion that they do, deep analysis (heavy stuff!) makes me wonder if this is more down to loneliness!! Are people talking more about Michelle these days? I did a bit of honest talking amongst my mates and hey, discovered (what I thought anyway) that they have been treading carefully around the subject for fear of upsetting me!! I suppose that is the trouble with having no rule book on this subject and working everything out as you go along. Anyways Joe, I am always around if you fancy a chat. Take care and Big Hugs returned Alayne Hello, I know about being pissed off. I am also confused by what people think and say about how they think I should be feeling and what I am suppose to be doing. I get so many unasked for opinions. Oh well, at least they are talking to me. I am amazed ...really amazed at how many people think I should be climbing the walls because they think I should be horny!! Dave fought his cancer with great courage for almost three years before it took him..the fools were not concerned about my sex life then??? If you're pissed off then that's what you are for the moment, the day or the week. I just except whatever emotion I am feeling knowing that at any moment it will change for better or worse. I wish I could tell you it will get better but I for one don't believe that...sorry. Dave died Dec. 15th. Is it getting better..no!! I am doing alright though if just keeping my sanity counts and doing all the routine things that life requires like going to work...eating etc. Dave and I went out to eat almost everyday when he would pick me up from work. I don't do that now I just come home so I eat less. Also like Alayne I am painting redecorating the house. I go up and down ladders a lot. I am really praying that those two reasons account for the fact that I have lost almost 30 pounds. Enough rambling from me for the day. Linda Thanks everyone. This is the pits, generally I am a nice person. However, this week, sh.t's hitting the fan every which way, if you can't tell from my previous rants above. Anyway, Patrick has been gone a little over 2 months, I had gained about 30 pounds taking care of him for three months straight and now am trying to lose, unsuccessfully the 30 pounds plus another 40. However, my body seems to think that chocolate and cookies are a food group and anything else that is in my fridge is fair game! I wish I could lose 30 pounds, but i just don't have the get up and go, it's got up and went. Took up residency in another province I suspect. Oh well. sh.t happens...that's my new favourite saying. I have been saying it now for about three weeks although I am wound up like a spring, which isn't normal either. I am usually the type of person who cares alot, worries little and still gets the job done. Now I think I am a candidate for a stroke or a heart attack. Stress! And I just don't have the drive to do anything about it. Poor me;) That's what I got..... I will get down off my soap box, anyone else want the microphone? Salisha Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > I just don't have the drive to do anything about it. Poor me;) Although not sharing your reasons I know *exactly* how that feels. Let's have a self-pity party, with chocolate biccies (cookies) and cake and a few bottles of wine. {{{{{hugging Salisha tightly}}}}} > Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > > I just don't have the drive to do anything about it. Poor me;) [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > {{{{{hugging Salisha tightly}}}}} Hmmm, I'll bring some strawberry shortcake, with lots of gooey whipped cream! Phyllis Thanks Phyllis....and I love strawberry shortcake...up, up , up and away....damn those scales:) her goes the last 30 pounds that I had lost last year.....might as well start at the beginning;) hahaha More whip cream please! Salisha > Thanks Phyllis....and I love strawberry shortcake...up, up , up and > away....damn those scales:) her goes the last 30 pounds that I had lost [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > >I'll even give you a cherry and sprinkles to go on top! (>: Phyllis > > Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > > > I just don't have the drive to do anything about it. Poor me;) [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > cream! > Phyllis ooh, you make my day Phyllis, I am drooling already, can we melt chocolate on top please. Hugs Alayne > Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > > I just don't have the drive to do anything about it. Poor me;) [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > {{{{{hugging Salisha tightly}}}}} Ooooh, after reading through oodles of posts from sad muppets, your post Emily has got to be the top one of the day, please please can I come too?? Hugs Alayne totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > > > I just don't have the drive to do anything about it. Poor me;) [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > Ooooh, after reading through oodles of posts from sad muppets, your post > Emily has got to be the top one of the day, please please can I come too?? Yes, but only if you bring something fattening, comforting or alcoholic with you. And can one of you please help me not to feel guilty because I've still got my husband? I know it's stupid, but there it is. People are the most ridiculously complicated things, aren't they. Chocolate and a teddy bear please. > totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > > > > Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > Yes, but only if you bring something fattening, comforting or > alcoholic with you. And can one of you please help me not to > feel guilty because I've still got my husband? I know it's > stupid, but there it is. People are the most ridiculously > complicated things, aren't they. Chocolate and a teddy bear > please. Hey Emily, Why would you feel guilty, put it this way I no longer have to put the toilet seat down anymore or clean the fluff from the bathroom sink! Hugs Alayne Or pick up dirty socks that don't know quite how to walk their own way to the hamper yet! Salisha > Or pick up dirty socks that don't know quite how to walk their own way to > the hamper yet! > Salisha And you now have time to finish all those jobs that hubby started and never finished.. I'm working on our conservatory, there was some strategically placed newspaper blocking up some holes (Tony made the conservatory), yesterday I thought it was high time they were replaced - read the date - October 1997! Alayne oh my! I have a newspaper in my car from last year and one on my end table from October, it's from our last trip and Patrick brought it home, for some odd reason I can't seem to through it out! Salisha > oh my! I have a newspaper in my car from last year and one on my end table > from October, it's from our last trip and Patrick brought it home, for some > odd reason I can't seem to through it out! > Salisha It's probably all part of not fully letting go. I still refer to last years calendar and trawl through all the hosp. appointments that we went through. The one thing that I really want to dispose of is the radiotherapy mask, supposedly when we got the all-clear we were going to string it with lights and hang it in our front room (yeah, I know sick puppies that we were then!) but now it just reminds me of bad times, and yet it is a copy of his face - so it's in a cupboard until I can make up my mind!! Alayne > Thanks everyone. This is the pits, generally I am a nice person. However, > this week, sh.t's hitting the fan every which way, if you can't tell from my [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > > Stress does funny things to your body Salisha, I feel the same way about the stroke or heart attack, and I've ALWAYS been healthy! Maybe things will calm down soon, It's hard taking care of someone you love, and to watch him go steadily down hill, and to know that he's NOT going to make it! The worst day of my life was when I walked into ICU and the nurse told me that "Ed died ten minuets ago" I missed him by 10 minuets, if only I could have been there to tell him it was OK to let go! Oh well, now I'm going to be in tears again! Phyllis Oh Phyllis, I know the feeling, but only remotely. Patrick wouldn't let me leave the hospital and rarely felt comfortable with me out of the room. The night he died, I told him if he did it when I wasn't in the room, I would never forgive him. He waited until both his parents and myself had some private time with him and then passed peacefully with all of us and his aunts uncle and my mom in the room. We all cried, but I know he is in a better place. I was worried the entire time he was critically ill, that he would die without me near him. I know it would have torn me apart, but I also know that it would never have been my fault. Please take care Salisha > Oh Phyllis, I know the feeling, but only remotely. Patrick wouldn't let me > leave the hospital and rarely felt comfortable with me out of the room. The [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > He had such a good day the day before, his heart just stopped beating, the doctor and the nurse both told me that he probably would have fought to stay alive if I had been there, and he would have had a lot more suffering to go through, this way he went peacefully. He had a DNR so they didn't try to revive him. I still wish that I could have been there when he went to hold his hand. Phyllis > > Stress does funny things to your body Salisha, I feel the same way about > the stroke or heart attack, and I've ALWAYS been healthy! Maybe things will [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > tears again! > Phyllis Hi Phyllis, I "missed" Tony by 5 minutes myself. But I do wonder if it has been easier that way, as you say, the pain was unbearable watching them slip slowly, I don't think it would have done us any favours being there right at the end. Hang on to your good memories. Hugs Alayne Emily, did I see something posted from you...my computer crashed and now it is lost, I think that I had read some of the post before it went blah!! Anyway, I believe it was something about chocolate???? Anyway wine to go with...I got homemade white and red? Would you like to share:) > Emily, did I see something posted from you...my computer crashed and now it > is lost, I think that I had read some of the post before it went blah!! > Anyway, I believe it was something about chocolate???? Anyway wine to go > with...I got homemade white and red? Would you like to share:) > > I have some blackberry brandy I'll share! (>: Phyllis mmmmm....never tried it...is it good or a little harsh...I really like cherry brandy...good on most fruit drinks..:) Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > mmmmm....never tried it...is it good or a little harsh...I really like > cherry brandy...good on most fruit drinks..:) Hic! It'sh good. :) > mmmmm....never tried it...is it good or a little harsh...I really like > cherry brandy...good on most fruit drinks..:) > >I like it, I find just one drink before bedtime helps me sleep a little better. Phyllis Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > Emily, did I see something posted from you...my computer crashed and now it > is lost, I think that I had read some of the post before it went blah!! > Anyway, I believe it was something about chocolate???? Anyway wine to go > with...I got homemade white and red? Would you like to share:) Yep, I suggested a self-pity party, with oodles of chocolate, a bottle or three of wine, and - ooh! How about some of the ice cream that's made hereabouts? It's made with fresh cream, and the rum and raisin is made with real rum rather than just flavouring. Those of us who know exactly what it's like to have lost the urge to do anything about anything can get together and gorge ourselves silly on the most fattening and comforting chocolate we can find. Homemade wine? Sounds good to me! Seriously though, I'm not in the league of having lost a partner and mother's doing fine, so I feel a bit out of place here at times... however I do know what it's like to watch a loved one die of cancer (I lost a much loved aunt a few years back) and I certainly know that feeling of never really getting over a death. Even now, over 20 years after the event, I still cry for my father who died suddenly one evening from a heart attack. I want him to come to me and tell me what to do, just like he did when I was a child. He never met my husband; never saw my graduation; never saw his grandchildren... he didn't see me start to learn a new language or buy my first house; he wasn't there to tell me how to be an adult, and now that my oldest child is taking his important exams this year there's no grandfather waiting in the wings to congratulate or commiserate on the results. And even now, typing this, the keyboard's damp. Soddit. Tissue please, and where's that chocolate? > Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > > Emily, did I see something posted from you...my computer crashed and now it [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] > now, typing this, the keyboard's damp. Soddit. Tissue please, > and where's that chocolate? Here's a whole box of tissues, I'll even share my candy bar with you, and a great big hug! Phyllis copp@acadia.net said... > And even > > now, typing this, the keyboard's damp. Soddit. Tissue please, > > and where's that chocolate? > Here's a whole box of tissues, I'll even share my candy bar with you, and a > great big hug! Thanks. Hugs to you as well Phyllis :) > Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > > Emily, did I see something posted from you...my computer crashed and now it [quoted text clipped - 27 lines] > now, typing this, the keyboard's damp. Soddit. Tissue please, > and where's that chocolate? Tissues and Hugs provided. Alayne I bought leftover Easter bunny chocolate on sale....I got 2 lbs...here's your pound just for you.....Anyone else want to share.....hugs;) We'll all get through this....you three are the best cyber friends:) Take care...oh yeah, and I got the insurance check today :( It was sad, I cried! just sat in my car at the mailboxes and cried. I paid all my bills :D Even student loan and credit cards! yay! AND I went out and bought $600 worth the clothes....I have clothes to fit now!!! yay! Otherwise, the money is just sitting in my account collecting interest until I pay some on the car. So overall, it has been an emotional day. I figure Patrick would want me to look good so that is why I bought so much! I needed everything anyway, even an 'over the shoulder boulder holder" as my mom says....lol.... Ciao Salisha > I bought leftover Easter bunny chocolate on sale....I got 2 lbs...here's > your pound just for you.....Anyone else want to share.....hugs;) We'll all [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > > I'll just have an ear, or maybe two! I'm still waiting for my insurance check, but it's just going to make the funeral payment. maybe a couple of hundred left over. Here's a glass of blackberry brandy for you!!! (>: Phyllis thankths a buntch....haha...too much brandy mwill do that to ya!!! Patrick's parents took care of the funeral costs. they had a policy on him since he was a baby that paid for it, thankfully. I have enough bills to catch up on my end anyway...about $5500 worth of them....oh well....I'll get through it...take care...oh yeah, and here's your ear! Enjoy. Salisha > thankths a buntch....haha...too much brandy mwill do that to ya!!! > Patrick's parents took care of the funeral costs. they had a policy on him [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > Yummy!!! Phyllis > I bought leftover Easter bunny chocolate on sale....I got 2 lbs...here's > your pound just for you.....Anyone else want to share.....hugs;) We'll all [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > Ciao > Salisha Hey, that's not fair, some of us don't need a "over the shoulder boulder holder" you know!! Some of us (okay me!) are sadly depleted, after children, all the bits go back, just not necessarily in all the right places!! Good to hear you got your insurance cheque, at least it is one worry that you don't have to think about. Hugs Alayne I'll arrange to give you some of mine...my MD suggested I get them reduced due to back pain! Cheers! Salisha > I'll arrange to give you some of mine...my MD suggested I get them reduced > due to back pain! > Cheers! > Salisha Well there's an offer I can't refuse!! Hugs Alayne > Hello, > I know about being pissed off. I am also confused by what people think and say [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > Enough rambling from me for the day. > Linda Isn't it funny how people think that after a month or so that you should "be over it!" When in fact, you probably never will! The phone calls have all but stopped, and hardly anyone even mentions his name anymore! It's almost like he never WAS to some of these people! Hang in there Linda, I for one, Know how you feel. Ramble all you want! Phyllis > Hello, > I know about being pissed off. I am also confused by what people think and say [quoted text clipped - 19 lines] > Enough rambling from me for the day. > Linda Hi Linda, Glad to see you are still here amongst the girls! I've given up trying to work other people out and came to the conclusion that I will feel and say exactly what I feel like doing and saying, as far as I am concerned, other than here, no-one amongst my friends or family have been in my situation, therefore they have no knowledge or experience and therefore no right, to tell me how it is. I do think that it will get better for you though, I know that you won't believe me right now. Tony was my "soul mate" but the days where I have fallen to pieces have become fewer and fewer, some days I get by with just a few rapid blinks. It doesn't mean that we forget them though or miss them any less, it just means that the pain becomes easier to bear. I think the bit that naffs me off the most is that this is the only place where I can actually speak his name. Absolutely no-one, other than my girls, mention him. It used to hurt, but I now put it down to their own fears and insecurities. I've just about finished the decorating now, so my next project is going to be to have an extension built, well, it will give me something else to paint!! Take care of yourself Linda, we are always here for you. Hugs Alayne totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > I think the bit that naffs me off the most is that this is the only place > where I can actually speak his name. Absolutely no-one, other than my > girls, mention him. It used to hurt, but I now put it down to their own > fears and insecurities. That's exactly what it is Alayne - people who don't know how it feels to lose someone just don't know how to talk to those of us who have. You'll probably find that older people, whilst shocked by the death of the young, actually cope with it a lot better. They've already lost friends, parents, even children perhaps. They've been there, done that, and it doesn't frighten them any more - or at least, it probably does, but not so much as it used to. All of which is fine, except that it's our own peer group we have to cope with on a day to day basis. What about the bikers? Surely they haven't gone the way of not saying Tony's name or shuffling their feet in your presence? If they have, then they're not the men they like to think they are. > totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > I think the bit that naffs me off the most is that this is the only place [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > shuffling their feet in your presence? If they have, then > they're not the men they like to think they are. Although I hate to admit it, they were the first ones to turn tail (well, some of them anyway), even honestly admitting that "they couldn't deal with it"at the beginning, but that has more to do with their own sense of mortality than anything else. Although one or two always give me a warm hug when I manage to get down the club. I think that they look at me as this 5'2" blonde that will break into tiny pieces if anyone mentions Tony, so they feel better to avoid the issue. A lot of it may well stem from my own personality though, shrug shoulders, can cope with anything, that perhaps I have built this persona around me that they have overlooked the fact that I could indeed be soft and squidgy in the middle!! Hugs Em Alayne totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > What about the bikers? > > Surely they haven't gone the way of not saying Tony's name or [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > it"at the beginning, but that has more to do with their own sense of > mortality than anything else. I suppose at least they were man enough to admit that they couldn't deal with it - at least you knew the situation. What I found hardest was the people who ignored me completely or just shuffled. At least if someone tells you they can't cope they're still talking to you. If that makes any sense? I wonder if they'd cope any better if Tony had died after a smash? I mean, that's a real thing that could happen to any one of them, (OK, so's cancer, I know that) and it's a risk they run every time they hit the kickstart (do modern bikes still have kickstarts, or they gone the way of the starting handle?) so it's a sort of expected risk and something of a calculated one at that because bikers are so vulnerable against larger vehicles. Or maybe it's just the reality that's frightening. We can talk about death and dying and what happens - or not - afterwards, but it doesn't really come home what it means until it actually happens to someone close. > Although one or two always give me a warm hug > when I manage to get down the club. I think that they look at me as this > 5'2" blonde that will break into tiny pieces if anyone mentions Tony, so > they feel better to avoid the issue. Yeah, it's hard, isn't it :-( > A lot of it may well stem from my own personality though, shrug shoulders, > can cope with anything, that perhaps I have built this persona around me > that they have overlooked the fact that I could indeed be soft and squidgy > in the middle!! But then again you can't be seen to collapse in a snivelling heap either, 'cos they'd probably find that just as hard to deal with as one of their friends dying while still young. Just as well we don't expect life to be easy really - at least then we don't get too disappointed when it lives up to expectations and turns out to be a pile of wossname. Then again... I wouldn't mind it being easy just once in a while. > I suppose at least they were man enough to admit that they > couldn't deal with it - at least you knew the situation. What I [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > really come home what it means until it actually happens to > someone close. Yes, people ignoring you is very hard too or worse still actually obviously avoiding you (as I found in the school playground), or the sidelong pitying glances (like the other day when I saw Tony's oncology surgeon at the hospital where I work), but you get accustomed to it after a while. It's strange actually, but when other not so close people heard that Tony had died, they automatically assumed that it was a bike accident, and were shocked to learn that it was actually cancer. There is still the myth that cancer only happens to other people but when it happens to someone that you actually know, it brings reality back home rather sharply. It also had a lot to do with his age, being young (well, relatively) and also the fact that he was rather "tough" looking, in that he was muscly and well built, and they felt that if it could take someone as strong as him, what hope would there be for them (if that makes sense). I'm not sure if I would have coped better had his death had been caused by a bike accident though. The shock would have been more horrific (I think), the shock of the initial diagnosis and then treatment failure were bad enough but at least we had some time left to come to terms with things and talk openly about his wishes etc. But then again I also feel that watching someone that you love so dearly ultimately die slowly is horrific too. Kickstart!! What era are you from Emily?!! Modern machines have something commonly known as an electric start sweetheart (saves a lot of bruises too!) If I could change people's attitude in any small way as a result of my experience, it would be to bring cancer and death out into the open and get people to talk more about it and dispel their fears and anxieties. That was why we took part in a video for an open day for the hospice. Because they felt that our openness and honesty were so rare in the hospice but to us, it was perfectly natural to face any dilemma together, to therefore plan, discuss and overcome. I certainly don't "fear" death any more, my greatest fear has always been to be the one that gets left behind, but now that I am in that situation I am coping and dealing with it the best way that I know how. > > Although one or two always give me a warm hug > > when I manage to get down the club. I think that they look at me as this > > 5'2" blonde that will break into tiny pieces if anyone mentions Tony, so > > they feel better to avoid the issue. Actually Trev from the bike club called round tonight, only the second time round since Tony passed away. We talked quite a bit about Tony and I mentioned what I feel when no-one speaks his name any more, and guess what, they are concerned that if they do they will upset me!! And if they dont, they will upset me anyway. You can just never get things right, he mentioned that he got really upset after his last visit here because he thought that I was seemingly heartless about Tony dying. Again I had to explain myself, that it is the only way of coping sometimes and he hadn't taken on board the fact that I had been dealing with "losing" Tony since May 02. > Yeah, it's hard, isn't it :-( > [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > to be a pile of wossname. Then again... I wouldn't mind it being > easy just once in a while. No, I can't collapse into a snivelling heap, I'm a woman, but more importantly I am also a mum and my girls have been through enough already without having me fall to pieces too. I wouldn't mind life being easy, at least for a bit, but then I think if it was, I would start to take it for granted again. Hugs Emily (?) Alayne totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > Trev from the bike club called round tonight, only the second time > round since Tony passed away. We talked quite a bit about Tony and I [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > taken on board the fact that I had been dealing with "losing" Tony since May > 02. The important thing is - do the pair of you feel better now that you've actually talked about how you're feeling? My guess is that both Trev and you have done yourselves and each other the power of good by getting things out in the open and actually talking about things. You may find that at least at the club things improve now. Here's hoping, anyway. As for what era I'm from when bikes all had kickstarts, I had a Honda C50 when I was 17 and graduated from that to a C90 a couple of years later. Both bikes were great for commuting into London on a daily basis, and if they fell over they had the advantage that I could easily pick them up again. I really have no idea how people manage today with bikes seeming to get bigger better and heavier! I know what you mean about the bruises... :-( > totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > Trev from the bike club called round tonight, only the second time [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > talking about things. You may find that at least at the club > things improve now. Here's hoping, anyway. I certainly feel a bit better and Trev now knows that I am not so cold and heartless as I can sometimes appear. I've always believed that honesty is the best policy but not everyone believes in the same policy. The girls do, they were asked in the hospice "what advice would you give other parents with cancer on how to deal with their children" and they instantly replied "tell them absolutely everything". Which we did anyway, but it's nice to know that we did the right thing!! > As for what era I'm from when bikes all had kickstarts, I had a > Honda C50 when I was 17 and graduated from that to a C90 a couple [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > how people manage today with bikes seeming to get bigger better > and heavier! I know what you mean about the bruises... :-( Actually, thinking about it, I started on a little Kawasaki KC100 and that had a kick start. Erm yes, now what would I do if my bike fell over, isn't that what blonde hair and eye lashes are for!! (chuckle) Hugs Em Alayne |
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