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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Cancer / April 20046 weeks today
Well, it's been six weeks today since I last saw the love of my life alive. I miss him very much. Easter was his favorite time of year, not for the religious end of it, but for the time spent with family, the chocolate that I always bough him and the time that I was able to spend with him, because I always had days off work, which was rare for me. I start back to work today, and frankly I am scared. This is so rough, I can't believe he is gone, I can't believe that I have to go on without him, I despise every minute that I have without him. I cried for hours last night and just sat here, waiting for someone, anyone to call. No one did. I finally called a friend that I knew would be awake, but it's not the same when you have to call them. I was just hoping that someone care enough to call me since it is my first holiday without him and he so enjoyed it. Salisha Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > I was just hoping that someone care enough to > call me since it is my first holiday without him and he so enjoyed it. Sweetheart, consider yourself called, hugged and pampered. I want you to know that if you were geographically nearer to me I'd have been round like a shot with arms open wide to hold and comfort you. It's more than likely that people thought you'd want to be left alone, or that they just didn't realise how you'd be feeling. We all care love; we just don't have access to what's going on inside your head and we - or at least I - don't know enough about you to know where to phone or find you. You're part of a family here who love you and care for you, and in ten years' time when you've moved on and the pain will have receded (but not gone away entirely; I'm not that naive) such will still be the case. {{{{{{{{{{Salisha}}}}}}}}}} Thank you Emily. It means alot. Especially today. I just can't seem to stop crying today, it has been a constant downpour since I got up and I have to work this afternoon. I am a human service counsellor for at risk youth, at least today (part time job, haha). I, however, don't think that I am going to be very good at counselling. The program director said that she was going to stop in to see me tonight 'because her husband is working'. Personally I think it is because she thinks that I will have a meltdown. Quite possibly she is right. I just am not sure, about this or anything else for that matter. Thanks for caring Salisha Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > Thanks for caring > Salisha Did you think we didn't?? Have some more {{{{{hugs}}}}} and a mug of hot chocolate. mmmmmmmmm....hot chocolate....hey, I have to share this little piece of information for you....I was on another site and they gave me ideas about what to do with those little yellow peeps..you know the marshmallow things..... Anyway, one thing that they suggested is to buy a bunch, take a permanent marker and write the name of someone who really pisses you off on it, then place it one at time on a paper plate, and put it in the microwave and watch it explode. Great stress relief, not only names of people, but things in general that piss you off. Another thing is a voodoo peep with several pins in is, a headless peep for all the stupid comments that people have made, a peep with it's head up it's back side, for those people who you really thing are a.sholes!...and the list goes on.... I just thought it gave me a laugh on a really dismal day so I had to share, hope it didn't offend anyone, but it's better to mutilate you food than the brainless moron that is causing the pain at the time...enjoy Salisha Daffman@yeah.right.com said... > mmmmmmmmm....hot chocolate....hey, I have to share this little piece of > information for you....I was on another site and they gave me ideas about > what to do with those little yellow peeps..you know the marshmallow > things..... [snipped] Yes, I know the ones you mean, but unfortunately (or fortunately?) I don't think they're available in the UK. An American friend sent me a couple of boxes last year so I could find out what all the fuss was about... and I have to confess I wasn't all that impressed. Mind you, watching them explode... now that's an idea worth considering! I wonder if it works for other marshmallow products? Hmmm. Y'know what? You're not the only one with too much time on her hands. Maybe I should make some inroads on that *huuuge* pile of laundry that's waiting to be sorted and put away... or then again, maybe not... ;-) Take care love, and try not to fatally injure the microwave with peepsperiments :-) Just another little idea, to get to the ones you love... ...About 10 years ago in Cincy, someone started a new Peep's tradition called "Peeped". You go buy 100's of them. Stick kitchen skewers into them and in the dead of night, you go to someone's house and plant them all over the front yard. Now this only works if the weather hold because it is a real mess in the rain. In the paper last year, someone had over 1000 in their yard Easter morning! Enjoy...Salisha...with too much time on my hands....good thing that I start work today! > Well, it's been six weeks today since I last saw the love of my life alive. > I miss him very much. Easter was his favorite time of year, not for the [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > call me since it is my first holiday without him and he so enjoyed it. > Salisha Oh Honey, I wish there was something I could do other than merely offer words of comfort. Six weeks is no time at all, don't knock yourself for all the tears, if your body wants to cry, then let it, don't hold back but take each day as it comes. You won't believe me now because your wounds are still so fresh, but the passing of time, does truly help, I know it's cliche and I know that you won't think so right now (I was ready to give thick ears by the hundreth time I heard that one), but I am clocking in a 7 1/2 months and I am down to one box of tissues a week. We've been through an incredibly tough and unfair deal BUT we had the strength to see us through and that strength hasn't diminished. You are not now going through life without him, he's just in another room right now but still has a doorway through your heart and that door never gets closed. As for waiting for other people, unfortunately, life as it is, they really don't know how to handle our grief, the same as they didn't know how to handle a cancer diagnosis. It's a crying shame but I also think that we can be in danger of being overly-sensitive regarding other people (although I still say I must have two heads or something!) and sometimes they feel that the best way to deal with something that they have no experience of, is to do nothing for fear of upsetting you or making the situation worse. It's simply human nature. Know that we all think dearly of you hear, we all cherish you dearly hear and we are not afraid to say so!! Lot's of "firsts" will be tough for you, but you'll get through and then you'll be onto the "seconds" and the "thirds" but we are here for you... Big Hugs now Salisha Honey Alayne totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > Alayne What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be wallowing in a mudbath somewhere? Are you OK? > totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > Alayne > > What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be wallowing in a > mudbath somewhere? Are you OK? Well, love you too!!! Got back a couple of hours ago actually, and yep was a bit of a mud bath! and yep, the tents were all iced up!! but it was worth every freezing moment!! Did have one or two low points (espec. when I saw some folks that I have not seen since the funeral and therefore needed a few rapid blinking sessions!), also very very strange being on my own (although surrounded by my mates). Few more rapid blinking moments when the host club paid tribute to his lordship and the Tigers danced to Spirits in the Sky in his honour (not quite the same as doing it in the aisle at a crematorium though!) Also complete bummer when I arrived back home. Parked bike in layby outside house because she was still loaded up (and can't get through gate!), goes to turn her off........ oops no keys!! Have a horrible feeling that they are somewhere on the M25! Somehow the bike vibration must have worked them loose from the ignition (and I didn't notice!! - neither did the rest of the club!). Used the kill-switch to turn off bike but then scratches blonde head - how do I get in my house now?? (keys also on M25!) and no kill-switch on my front door!! Shucks - have I not had enough challenges....? Thank goodness it is Sunday today and kindly neighbour with long arms and gadget borrowed from another neighbour and invention of cat flap (chuckle - I am so not joking here!) finally managed to loosen back door key and finally entry gained (just as well no-one knows where I live!).... blessed relief all round.... just now have motorbike with no key (guess who never got around to cutting a spare!) Fortunately one club member also co-owner of bike shop and gave me advice as to how to get number of barrel on ignition so can order new one (scratches b londe head again, yikes this will involve spanners - well I am a true blonde!), hopefully he will come round tommorrow and give me a clue.... But needless to say will involve loads of pennies because even with new ignition, still need copy of original key for petrol tank! Am convinced Tony has a hand in this and is my penance for not taking him to the rally.....(but know that people think I am already "twisted" and couldn't work out how to bungee an urn full of ashes onto petrol tank....! imagine the riot that would have caused if the vibration had worked that loose on the M25.........!) Am so longing for comfy bed now....... Alayne (bedraggled but still smirking.....) totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > > Alayne > > > > What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be wallowing in a > > mudbath somewhere? Are you OK? > Well, love you too!!! <G> > Got back a couple of hours ago actually, and yep was a bit of a mud bath! > and yep, the tents were all iced up!! but it was worth every freezing > moment!! Excellent! I thought of you when I was tucked up under my nice warm duvet cuddling my small hot daughter bottle - but not for long, 'cos I fell asleep. > Few more rapid blinking moments when the host club paid tribute to his > lordship and the Tigers danced to Spirits in the Sky in his honour (not > quite the same as doing it in the aisle at a crematorium though!) *Boggle* And the officiator or minister made /what/ of that, exactly?? Giggle > Also complete bummer when I arrived back home. Parked bike in layby outside > house because she was still loaded up (and can't get through gate!), goes to > turn her off........ oops no keys!! No keys? How come? Do bikes carry on without their keys these days? Coo, there's posh! My old Honda scooter would've stopped dead without a key. > Fortunately one club member also co-owner of bike shop and gave me advice as > to how to get number of barrel on ignition so can order new one (scratches b [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > the riot that would have caused if the vibration had worked that loose on > the M25.........!) Mother might be coming for a visit to show off her new car. Shall I get her to look out for your keys? She'll be on the M25 between the M23 and the M3... ;-) > Am so longing for comfy bed now....... I'll bet. Tents, sleeping bags and self-inflating mattresses are all very well, but at the end of the day you can't beat a comfy bed with a large mug of hot chocolate or malted milk by your side. Oh, and a good book, of course... Glad you enjoyed yourself despite everything. You're getting there, slowly, but you're getting there. > totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > [quoted text clipped - 11 lines] > duvet cuddling my small hot daughter bottle - but not for long, 'cos > I fell asleep. - Glad someone got some sleep then! And I wasn't thinking of you anyway! > > Few more rapid blinking moments when the host club paid tribute to his > > lordship and the Tigers danced to Spirits in the Sky in his honour (not > > quite the same as doing it in the aisle at a crematorium though!) > > *Boggle* And the officiator or minister made /what/ of that, > exactly?? Giggle - Did I not tell you about the funeral? There are some photo.s on the web-site. It was a Humanist service and being a biker (tee hee) did exactly what I wanted! Tony wanted to go in the back of his mates van, but couldn't (due to health & safety - eh!?) so went in back of funeral directors van, followed by oodles of bikes causing chasos down A14 (he'd have loved that), black coffin and music chosen by moi. Needless to say was rock but also with Jasper Carrot "Funky Moped" (to start the laughter) and Kevin Wilson (Chucka Browneye). From yonks back Spirits in the Sky has been a sort of club anthem as is a particular dance (yeah, okay I can do line dancin!) and club was under orders to wear orange club t-shirts and dance in the aisles which we all did. No straight clothes either, only black could be leathers. Humanist guy was cool actually although he did raise an eyebrow when "B" word mentioned in one of the songs. But in a really surreal way it was actually a nice day (just a pity Tony couldn't have been there!) and lots of people thanked me for it! I didn't do flowers either, I made him up a flight case full of memorabilia (like jelly babies, tiger slippers, pot noodles etc.) The local newspaper did an excellent write up too. Seriously though, it's the way to do it, we should celebrate the life rather than mourn the death and I've already written my wishes out for the girls. > No keys? How come? Do bikes carry on without their keys these > days? Coo, there's posh! My old Honda scooter would've stopped dead > without a key. - No not posh honey, just well worn ignition! > Mother might be coming for a visit to show off her new car. Shall I > get her to look out for your keys? She'll be on the M25 between the > M23 and the M3... ;-) - Yes, that would be sweet, it's probably in the fast lane. > I'll bet. Tents, sleeping bags and self-inflating mattresses are > all very well, but at the end of the day you can't beat a comfy bed > with a large mug of hot chocolate or malted milk by your side. Oh, > and a good book, of course... - mattresses? it was a straight choice: air-bed or extra sleeping bag, sleeping bag won but did nothing for the lumps and bumps! > Glad you enjoyed yourself despite everything. You're getting there, > slowly, but you're getting there. - Not getting there slowly - ride a 1,000 cc!! (well, did yesterday.....) totallyfake@emailaddress.com said... > > > the Tigers danced to Spirits in the Sky in his honour (not > > > quite the same as doing it in the aisle at a crematorium though!) [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > - Did I not tell you about the funeral? There are some photo.s on the > web-site. I saw the photos - it looks as though everyone had a good time despite what they were there for. Are Tony's parents and other family still around? What did they make of the service? > It was a Humanist service and being a biker (tee hee) did exactly > what I wanted! Tony wanted to go in the back of his mates van, but couldn't > (due to health & safety - eh!?) Goodness! What's the van usually used for then, food or something? Isn't that the point of the coffin though, to stop anything untoward, er, umm, happening? My father in law, whom I never met, travelled to his funeral propped up in the back seat of an open-top Bentley. I gather this caused more than a few eyebrows to be raised, but apparently he'd always wanted to ride in one, so his two sons gave him - albeit somewhat late for him to enjoy it - his wish. > so went in back of funeral directors van, > followed by oodles of bikes causing chasos down A14 (he'd have loved that), [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > flight case full of memorabilia (like jelly babies, tiger slippers, pot > noodles etc.) The local newspaper did an excellent write up too. Sounds great :-) > Seriously > though, it's the way to do it, we should celebrate the life rather than > mourn the death and I've already written my wishes out for the girls. Oh, I absolutely agree. The best funeral (can there be such a thing? I think there can) I've ever been to didn't even feature a body, because that had been disposed of at the local crem earlier with just the lady with whom she had lived for over 50 years in attendance. The deceased was a lovely elderly lady, a committed and gentle Christian, and the service I went to was a celebration, with a few people saying a few words about their memories of her. Sure, there were tears, but not that many, because she had truly believed that death was the beginning rather than the end and so it wasn't the sad occasion it might have been. And of course, funerals are occasions when old friends and long-unseen family members come out of the woodwork, so while you're saying goodbye to one person you're also saying hello to several others. > > No keys? How come? Do bikes carry on without their keys these > > days? Coo, there's posh! My old Honda scooter would've stopped dead > > without a key. > > - No not posh honey, just well worn ignition! Chortle! > > Mother might be coming for a visit to show off her new car. Shall I > > get her to look out for your keys? She'll be on the M25 between the > > M23 and the M3... ;-) > > - Yes, that would be sweet, it's probably in the fast lane. I should have guessed. Mother, in that case, is unlikely to see them. The only time she ever found the outside lane, she got stopped for speeding! Boy, was the policeman surprised when he saw this little grey-haired lady looking up at him, totally bewildered! > > I'll bet. Tents, sleeping bags and self-inflating mattresses are > > all very well, but at the end of the day you can't beat a comfy bed [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > - mattresses? it was a straight choice: air-bed or extra sleeping bag, > sleeping bag won but did nothing for the lumps and bumps! You need to invest in a Highlander mattress or a Therm-A-Rest. They're very similar creatures; both are self-inflating and comfy; neither takes up very much room once the air's out (sit on it to do that). Highlander mats tend to be cheaper than T-A-R; the latter are more widely available. Have a look in Millett's or Black's or the YHA shop etc. They're expensive, but worth their weight in gold because they are so much easier to cart around than an airbed. They're used a lot by people backpacking, who want to keep bulk and weight down to a minimum. I wouldn't be without mine, that's for sure. You take care of yourself, and enjoy the rest of the holidays with the girls. The weather here's lovely - just right for getting out of the house and blowing some cobwebs away. Salisha.... I know it doesn't help.... eventually time will make it bearable. April 10th marked the 1 year "sadiversary" of my own grandma's death. I like to think that now, she's healthy and can travel so much better than she ever could. I like to think that she comes to visit often. I'm not sure what her tie with birds happens to be but we've had some very interesting, some comical and otherwise amazing encounter with some wild birds in our area. Once a little sparrow landed on our front door, chirped a few times, flew back and forth in front of the house and then landed again on our front door. About a week and a half ago, a pidgeon landed on our swamp cooler and allowed me to get so close that I could take pictures.... in fact, I actually tapped lightly on the window and the little critter tapped back. it cooed at me and the kids, even my cat! It was perched on our swamp cooler for about an hour just watching.... last summer, there was a dove perched on our fence by the back door. normally my cat goes and watches the birds but that day he was awfully frisky, almost like he had just gotten into the catnip. All I can offer to you is my support.... I want you to know that though the journey is long and rough at many times, somehow we heal, we cope and we're somehow able to allow our lives to continue on and grow in spite of the lonliness and that big, gaping hole we have in our hearts where once it was filled by that special someone in our life that we lost. A little something my grandma had told me before she died... "keep your heart and mind open and you'll see my signs to you." I can only guess that these birds are her messages to me.... little signs that say, "hey, I'm doing great! I'm free!" Hang in there!! ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS!!!))))))))))))))))))))))))) Take care of you, ok? take time to rejuvenate yourself, make time for little things like a hot bubble bath with incense and candles and a great book.... It actually does help, even if just a little.  Signature"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it. You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery > Well, it's been six weeks today since I last saw the love of my life alive. > I miss him very much. Easter was his favorite time of year, not for the [quoted text clipped - 9 lines] > call me since it is my first holiday without him and he so enjoyed it. > Salisha > Salisha.... > I know it doesn't help.... eventually time will make it bearable. April 10th [quoted text clipped - 50 lines] > > > My husband of 42 years passed away last Monday (complications of lung cancer), we buried him yesterday. I can't imagine my life without him in it! It all feels so unreal to me, and I keep thinking that it really didn't happen! My children are all here and I feel as though I have to be strong for them when I really just want to be alone so that I can bawl my eyes out! I guess I'll survive though! Phyllis <SNIP> > > > Well, it's been six weeks today since I last saw the love of my life > > alive. [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > I guess I'll survive though! > Phyllis I'm so sorry for you Phyllis, my mom's husband died on New Years Eve in 2002, just before her lung cancer diagnosis. He couldn't have handled what she went through anyway. She was his caretaker, he had arachnoiditis. It's a man-made disease from cortisone shots, back surgeries and the scar tissue involved. Very debilitating, he was on a morphine pump after many years of unbearable pain. We do not wish him back, he is not in pain now. My mom has really never grieved him because she has not enough breath to cry and sob. She needs therapy for her mind but has been to so many dr appts that she is happy just to NOT have an appt. I did talk her into trying massage. She is getting an appointment today. Has any one had any experience with Swedish massage as a soothing experience. Lily Mae snipped > > > My husband of 42 years passed away last Monday (complications of lung > > cancer), we buried him yesterday. I can't imagine my life without him in [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > > It must be hard for you trying to support her, my daughter spent a lot of her time here being with her Dad, she was devastated when he died. It's so hard watching them suffer, knowing there's nothing you can do to ease there pain. Phyllis > snipped > > > > > [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > pain. > Phyllis Thank you Phyllis, I sometimes forget about myself....... I'm up to my elbows in appointments myself. I see a therapist and have for 20 years for different issues, divorce, molestation, bulimia, panic attacks, ADD, relationship counseling, and now menopause and mom's cancer. I am going to see a psychiatrist to evaluate me for ADD medication. Menopause has kicked up the negative effects of ADD. Since being in it for 1 year, I can't read, can't remember and can't focus. I was an AVID reader of knowledge. I'm in School in the last of a 2-year degree that has taken 6 years! LOL My grades were good enough for Phi Theta Kappa Society and now they dropped me because I can't get over a C. It's very discouraging. I'm thinking of retaking all the bad grade courses if I straighten out. My degree will be in Graphic Arts & Printing unless I remain stupid. :-) My brother is also having bad times that he never had. His is ADD too and real stress, bills relationship, 4 kids under 15 and his church is in crisis. He's a reformed, alcoholic, addict(pot,some coke,) & women. I fear for him as he is a wonderful person either way but has too much for one man to handle with no support from wife. She has her own issues. If, IF, I had time I would like to do yoga and massage. I gained 50 pounds with mom's diagnosis and stopped working out, it's been 2 years. I'm now at Curves exercising and have lost from 235 down to 216, what's that? 19 pounds, it's a start. I was a body builder........... :-( It's hard to see myself like this. I turn 50 in December and am going to follow Oprah and get my a.s in shape!!!!!!!!! Thanks again Lily Mae > > snipped > > > > > > [quoted text clipped - 68 lines] > > Just hang in there, things have got to get better for you. Stress can cause so many problems! Yoga might be a good thing for you to try. Phyllis |
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