Dear Salisha,
I wish I could give you a big hug.....I'm so sorry.  I hope that when you go
back to work, it will be a good thing for you.  You're in my thoughts.

((((( Salisha )))))

Trish

Hello Salisha,
This is the time, when all the "hub-bub" has abated and you are alone with
yourself.  I just read that males tend to deal with the loss and lonely feeling
by doing (projects etc) and women tend to gravitate to other women for emotional
support. I don't know that that's always true.  Thinking back ....

Loss # 1 - self-improvement program, then I moved
Loss # 2 - deep depression, counselling sessions through various mediums,
medications, projects such as crafts and gardening and tropical fish.  Siamese
fighting fish and other cicchlids (sp?) and other aquarium guests, culminating
in my favorite fish (Sam) dying and that was the end of a 2-year foray into
tropical fish. Then I changed emoloyment and met new people which opened up a
new world.
Loss # 3 - Immersed myself in books to find out why I had wasted so much time on
fish the other time <smile> and grovelled in mourning (going over photos and
listening to sad songs and songs that reminded me of the "we" part) until the
cloud finally lifted and I started wanting human contact again. Then my friend
and I started going out to every place of interest we could think of: a tattoo
parlour just to look at the tattooes and chat with the shop people, some
unmentionables, some camping, yoga, walking and biking, some classes at the
local college, some concerts or bands when they came by etc etc.

So I guess you'll have to write the book on how Salisha comes out of this and
what is the best thing to do. If you are interested in projects, I think your
ISP provides a web space. You could look into designing a simple (non-complex)
tribute page to Patrick. Nobody need see it. It only gets seen if you actually
share the url with someone. You may already have the software, perhaps called
Publisher on your computer. Here's a sample on one that a lady on another
newsgroup made for our Rian
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/eccentricity/friends/rian.html She just copied her
daughter's e-mail into it, then added photos. However, the text can be whatever
a person wishes, it can be centred and have a nice background and various styles
of fonts. There's  a way to designate where on the page the photos will be, the
title, etc etc.

There's also a page called  photoisland.com where a person can upload scanned
photos into a folder which is passworded. And again you would only share that
with those you choose to, or just learn how to upload photos, resize them,
organize, title them etc.
http://atlantic.photoisland.com/photosharing/ It's free.

You could also post to alt.support.grief (or read there) and see if there's any
ideas there. If you happen to "connect" with someone there, you might choose to
contact them and find out if they are on any of the instant messengers (AOL,
MSN, ICQ) etc so you could have an online buddy, that you could "page" whenever
you are online and wished to chat.  But beware "wolves" on the online
messengers.

As to books, there's a list here http://griefnet.org/library/biblio/widowed.html

These two are from the alt.support.grief FAQ
"How to Survive the Loss of a Love: 58 things to do when there is  Nothing to be
Done"
by Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove
Publisher: Mary Book / Prelude Pr; Reprint edition (November 1993)  ISBN:
0931580439
Originally published 1976.  Systematic treatment of loss.  Deals  with lovelorn,
etc.
Points of view from clinical to personal.
Treats death of a loved one as a category of "loss".

"A Compassionate, Practical Guide to being a Widow"  by Lynn Caine
Publisher: Penguin Books Copyright 1990

My friend's 2nd dog passed away and her other dog is mourning. I think the dog
is also mourning the previous atmosphere in the home, so perhaps once you start
working and getting back into a new routine your dog will start to perk up.
She's immersed herself into a "spring cleaning" rampage. That's her way of
coping for now. I know it's not the same, yet her husband has immersed himself
in projects in the shop, so in a way she's had two losses, his happy presence
and her beloved pet.

There may be others mourning in your community and it may be a time to make new
friends. Perhaps a stop in at a local coffee shop and eaves-dropping on the
gossipers might give you a hint, or you could partner (be a check-in person for)
with an elderly person who lives alone who might enjoy talking on the telephone
with you, when you find evenings tough to get through and you never know. You
may each have much to learn from each other.

These are just some ideas. You do what you think best for you.
Meantime, I'm here and reading and caring and hopefully Emily and Alayne and
others will be around soon to send you some hugs. I see that Trish just posted.
I imagine once you are back at work things will be a little less lonely for you.
I do hope your puppy will feel better soon.
( ( ( Salisha ) ) )
J

I think your loss is very real and your reactions are normal. The
in-services I have been to say after 6 months if you are still actively
grieving you may need help.
Going back to work will help. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Hi Salisha,

Sorry that things are feeling tough for you right now.  You are probably
feeling "extra" lonely because so much of your time was spent caring for
Patrick and now that he is at peace, there is a rather large "hole" of time
to fill.  I found that the only way to try and fill this "hole" was to
distract myself with something.  I decided to decorate my house from top to
bottom and now that is nearly complete I am looking into selling my house
and moving somewhere bigger. This sounds really crass, but do you have a
hobby or something that you really wanted to do but never had the time for?

I know what you mean about being the only one that is single, it takes time
to adjust to and personally I can't abide being called a widow!  I miss the
convesation and hugs the most and found myself drawn to the NG in the early
days 3/4 times a day because it felt that I was still communicating with the
outside world.

It's tough Salisha, not as tough as dealing with the cancer and we adjusted
to that, but tough all the same.  Just take each day as it comes.  Returning
to work will be a blessing for you.  People thought that I was so strange
returning a fortnight after Tony died, but it got me out of the house, back
into the world and made me focus that life still turns.

Of course I still miss Tony dreadfully but my tears flow perhaps once a week
now rather than 10 times a day.  It doesn't mean to say that I have
forgotten him (how could I!!) but it does mean that my life has now taken on
a different pattern and I know that Tony would be glad that I am getting on
with things and that I am coping.  And I am sure that Patrick would be
rooting for you too.

Mega Hugs Salisha

Alayne

p.s.  Come back for a rant/hug/company any time!!

Salisha...
It's been a few days and my computer has freaked out for whatever insane
reason.... but it's up now and I have read this thread and to be honest....
I know that divorce is no comparison to the death of a spouse.... I hated my
ex because of the abuse he dished out on me.... but I found something really
strange.... I actually missed him for a time once I left him. my evenings
were so long.... my days were boring (usually we'd either be fighting on the
phone or fighting at home, either way, my time was always spent doing
something) and over time, I got used to it. Now, like I said, divorce is no
comparison because I hated my ex... however, my current dh and I have spoken
at length about how to go on should something happen to one of us.... I used
to take for granted the time we have together.... it wasn't until my grandma
died that I realized that I needed to stop taking for granted what we have.
My grampa and I talk at length on a regular basis about his days. right now,
he's not doing much. April 10th will be the one year mark. it's been a very
tough year. he's spent a lot of sleepless nights wandering the house,
watching the History channel or CNN.... he sits on grandma's favorite chair,
he curls up with her favorite sweater.... the ache in my heart I highly
doubt is anything compared to the pain in his.... I'm scared of what my life
would be like without my dh now. I don't want to imagine but sometimes, we
talk about it.
before I stick my foot further into my mouth so to speak.... let me just say
that you're in my thoughts.... I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down. If
I could, I'd hug you and tell you that eventually the pain of grief will
lessen and become more bearable. Since it's not possible, let me offer you a
cyber hug and let you know still that one day, the pain of grief will become
bearable and soon, you'll find yourself smiling at fond memories.
((((((((((((((((((((((Salisha))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Daffman@yeah.right.com said...

Don't be so silly, you're not 'interrupting' anything!  In case you
haven't noticed, we've been here waiting for you to say something
like this.  Now you listen to me my girl: get yourself off to your
doctor pronto and get a course of antidepressants.  It may only need
to be a short-term thing, just to get you back on track, but it's
what you need right now.  And that, young lady, is NOW, not tomorrow
or next week, but *NOW*.

Right, now I've got that off my chest... here's a big bar of
chocolate and loads of hugs to help you on your way.

{{{{{{{{{{Salisha}}}}}}}}}}

Keep popping in love, we want to know how you're doing, and we
especially want to know if you're feeling like this.  We can't help
unless we know, see?  {{{{{more hugs}}}}}