Last night we made some last minute plans with friends we see about 3 to 4
times a year.  My husband asked if I wanted to call someone to see if anybody
might be interested in a movie and dinner.  Funny thing, I was thinking along
the same lines and had actually made one call.  Our friends'
brother/brother-in-law was coming into town and they were going to visit his
mom who had been ill.  Interestingly, we used to have alot more planned
weekends.  Now, we and many of our friends are doing things spontaneously
(which I always preferred).  Anyway, when I made the next call, the husband
suggested the dinner and movie and said I saved him a call---he was just about
to do the same.  We had an early dinner (6) and movie, the latest "Lord of the
Rings," a 3-hour movie for which I promptly fell asleep for the first 2, was at
8.  Falling asleep during movies has become the norm for me.  I much rather
rent them and watch them on my new portable DVD (my treat to myself when I
found an exceptional sale), while using the treadmill.  
After the movie was over, my husband informed me that I hadn't turned my cell
phone off.  Oops.  I thought I had.  I didn't  hear it but apparently the rest
of the theater had.  Who would call after 10 on a Saturday night except one of
the kids.  It had been my middle daughter and my sister (48).  She had wanted
to take my daughter out before she (my daughter) went back to college.  They
were driving behind a small dog on a busy street.  What to do?  Pick  up dog so
it isn't run over.  The dog  had a collar with a name and phone number.  They
called it.  It was the # for the animal rescue mission and they got a
recording.  So, they called my husband and said they brought this dog home and
were going to let it sleep in the (carpeted) guest room.  Of course he rightly
said--"no way"  but didn't object to leaving it in the adjacent bathroom.
When we got home we found the cutest orangish - colored dog -- almost like a
Lhasa-Poo sitting comfortably on our family room couch--blending in quite
nicely with the color.  We achieved Feng-Shui if that's how it works.  My
husband drove down the street where they found it and think he may have located
the home--one with a garage door slightly elevated.  It's hard to believe that
someone wouldn't keep a dog that size under better restraint when the home
leads onto such a busy street.   We will of course put up 'found' signs and
again call the shelter.  We don't need another dog.
The reason I am telling this story is that the feeling it gave me was a bit too
surreal.  After I started the treatment protocol I read about the 'dog' that
was reported to be 'cured' of cancer I said it 'if it's good enough for the
dog, then it's good enough for me'  I began joking that if I 'ever "come back"
it's going to be as a dog--because they got the best treatment around here.
So, here comes this dog, who blends in with the furniture and acts like it has
been here forever.  My thoughts were--"it's too early for this to happen."  
This symbolism that keeps popping  into my mind, which I am not too pleased is
happening and am trying to repress, at the 'oddest' (or are they?) times.
Other macabre thoughts, that are not in character for me, have also
occurred--but were more situation-based.  One of the first was about 9 mos.
after my dx--after a young relative passed away tragically--the thought of what
I would be buried in crossed my mind.  The thought came 'out-of-nowhere' in
that I had never given any conscious attention to it--but it was there.  As my
3-year anniversary of dx approaches, I wonder if more of these thoughts will
arise...  Aaarggh.  I don't want to be here.  I don't want to have thoughts
like these.  I've got to start walking more (ala 'Lance Armstrong'--pushing
myself beyond the limits I could not have previously imagined doing).  I have
to stay on 'this side.'  
This morning I awoke with greater pain in my arm/shoulder and a new pain in my
lower back/spine.  The uppper arm bone--humerous--hurts alot more.  The pain in
my shoulder is excruciating.  The bone in my spine, even with my hip bone
really hurts alot--for the first time--reminds me of how my tailbone used to
feel when I fell on it.  My ribs are also hurting on the left side.  I did
stumble over a rock yesterday--didn't but almost fell--maybe I am sore from
that?  But I was okay 2 weeks ago after a bad fall on the treadmill but had
been able to ice that.  Maybe this is only arthritis--that I haven't felt
before?  Either way, it hurts and gives me an uneasy feeling.  I  want to
preserve my mortality.