Just wanted to share that accomplishing the 3-day walk gave me a further sense
of enpowerment--maybe I did make that 'running' train I jumped on.  Dare I hope
to believe that the dr's were able to get 'all' of the cancer and that this may
someday be something of my past.  Why can't I let go and forget about b.c.  I
am feeling great--in some ways, despite the intermittent sciatic pain,
dizziness, balance problems, and lower back pain...
Will I ever feel secure enough to let go?  My fear is that if I do that the
cancer will return with a vengeance, and that a 'bad' trick has been played on
me.  I should have known never to forget about it or give it 'a rest.'  I know
that sounds weird--cause if the cancer is there, it's there.  Not dwelling on
it is not going to make it stay away if it is in fact there.
My thoughts are a bit convoluted here.  It's almost as if I am forcing myself
to repeat my family history.  Since I didn't escape it, I will have to always
deal with it.  It is kind of like a punishment for never being 'good' enough.
Or it is just my 'fate.'  I don't deserve not to go through this.  Don't get me
wrong.  I am not feeling sorry for myself.  I am afraid to let go--because
there's some sense that the cancer will always be there--and that I will be the
'fool' to forget it.
I try not to dwell too much about it at other times.  It took me by surprise
that when I was doing the walk--that it was being done for 'me,' too.  The
streets were lined with survivors who were thanking the walkers.  Although I
could say that I was a 'survivor' I didn't feel like one--that realization hit
me smack in the face--by surprise.  I am working and walking--talking to my
friends, family, etc.  I pour my heart and fears out here.
Two therapists--MSCC's --one who does cancer counseling and another whom I took
my youngest daughter to for grief counseling (after losing several friends and
relatives--mainly to accidents in a relatively short period) suggested that
online help wasn't ''enough."  I totally disagree--also being trained in
counseling.  Although I haven't done much re. cancer couseling, I found my
first experience--totally useless and depressing.  My daughter's counselor,
althouth well-trained--would not understand--from the little we've talked.  One
of my colleagues, a very religious man, who has lymphoma, said he was tired of
dealing with people who told him that if he had the 'right' attitude that it
would contribute to his recovery.  It may help the quality of his life--to
which we both agreed--but it wouldn't affect the outcome.  Nobody wants to feel
like they have 'failed' life because they couldn't stop their cancer.
I guess I am hoping that the walk and the exercise will  help my cancer follow
a path similar to what Lance Armstrong has experienced.  I am scared though
that the initial cancer wasn't hit hard enough or long enough for all that I
had going on.  I Hope to remain in remission until newer and more effective
treatments are available and that I will be fortunate enough to be allowed to
have them...
I am not sure where I am going with this--kind of just rambling thoughts
here...but will continue on another post of where my thoughts are taking me
since this is long enough. Thanks to all for being here...