Hi everyone:

I'm supposed to be having radiation but the first three sessions have
not gone well.

I had a lumpectomy with negative nodes. The tumour was .9 cm receptor
positive and the operation went well, edges clear. I have started
taking tamoxifen.

A few months back, I posted here about declining any treatment. I
received many great responses from people. In part, it was because of
the responses I received from you that I found the strength to go
ahead with the operation, rather than burying my head in the sand.

At this point, I would like to do everything I can to prevent
recurrence. I know that radiation is part of that, but it is proving
very tough sledding for me. I am quite fat (let's not beat around the
bush here!) and my breasts are large. After my surgery, I was referred
to a medical oncologist. This man asked me if I had ever thought of
having a breast reduction. I asked if this had anything to do with my
cancer. He said no. I said, then I don't want to hear about it. He
said, well, OK, but I am just trying to do something positive for you.
Friends, let me tell you that I have never had any problem with the
size of my breasts. Yes, I am fat, and I have large breasts. But, when
I'm thin, my breasts are a normal size.

Needless to say, this did not leave me feeling very happy about him. I
guess the incident really festered with me. I felt that it was
inappropriate of him to suggest cosmetic surgery when my appointment
was to hear news about my cancer.

I mention this as background on why I am feeling angry with doctors
and with the cancer centre.

Anyway, throughout the radiation planning and the first three
appointments, I have been told that the size of my breast and my
"enormous" size (in the words of one of the planning technicians) is
posing a major problem for them in conducting radiation. I am just not
coping very well with running the gamut of simulation/planning and
treatment, each time being told to stay still for long periods (like
45 plus minutes at a time), being told 'breath normally' repeatedly
(even though I *am* breathing normally!), being told again and again,
that, if the technician could just frank about it, it is the size of
my breasts that it the problem. I mean, what do they want me to do
about it????

If I had known this was going to be so challenging, I might have opted
to have the whole breast removed off the bat. However, in the Canadian
system here where I live, the surgery is first and then the oncologist
comes into the picture. I was never given any options other than
lumpectomy and lymph node dissection.

To top it all off, then I tried to call the radiation oncologist to
discuss my problems and concerns, I ran into a hard-boiled
receptionist who tried to nitpick with me about why I wanted to talk
to the doctor. "About my treatment" was not good enough for her so I
told her that I pissed off and I wanted to talk to the doctor. The
receptionist stated that she was not paid to tolerate abuse and
slammed down the phone. I was very shocked by this, as I had not meant
to abuse the receptionist. I was not mad at her and I did not state
that I was mad at her. But, replaying the conversation in my head, I
realize what it must have sounded like from her point of view.
Therefore, I called back and apologized, hoping we could start off the
on the right foot. But, when I apologized, she said, well, she didn't
have to take any abuse, and went on to tell me that, if I'd made that
statement in the cancer centre, I would have been escorted to the door
by security. I was really shocked as I was trying to apologize to her
and to make sure the doctor would get my message. Instead, I burst
into tears and told her that I would not be the patient of this doctor
any more as I was quitting radiation therapy. I then called up the
unit and told them the same.

Following this, I discussed the situation with my family doctor, a
woman I do not know well. I've recently moved and started over with a
new doctor. This young woman turned out to be great and she has called
the radiation oncologist to discuss what had happened.

I just can't stand being poked and prodded any more in this radiation
therapy. I am just at the end of my rope with it. Yet, as I understand
it, it is essential to preventing recurrence. I am planning to discuss
the situation with the radiation oncologist at my appointment on
Tuesday. Of course, I will have to get past the receptionist first!

I would appreciate feedback on the importance of radiation and on the
general issues of just feeling fed up with dealing with
doctors/technicians, etc.