Whatever he says, I can't imagine Allan won't be tempted to sneak a peek
and see what response his post got, even if he has no plans to
contribute further.  I know I would.

At least, we are coming together to recognise to each other, Allan's
contribution to the group.  Why not?  We have funerals where people
commemorate someone who has 'left'.  Perhaps for the reasons you say.

Allan was instrumental in creation of our FAQ, and back in the days when
 there was no advertising-funded FaceBook or MySpace, he created our
own 'biographical' website at his own expense.  He was also fluent in
writing honestly about the emotional turmoil, if not panic, that many of
us experience in this situation, but few want to talk about.

Tim

Allan came back to tell us that Deborah, for whom he cared for a long time,
through thick and thin, had died.

The older posters here held him and Deborah (from whom we rarely heard) in
great affection because he, like Tim, was open and honest about the progress
of the disease, the various treatments and their side effects and how they
affected their relationship. All those things have a bearing on our own
conditions.

We're not talking to a headstone but to the survivor, even if Allan never
came here again I suspect it's been cathartic for us to express our
gratitude and, yes, love for someone we never met.

A very clever and much loved British entertainer (Alan Coren) died recently,
from throat cancer. He knew that he was dying and agreed to help with the
programme of appreciation which would be broadcast as a radio memorial. He
was reluctant to do it but was persuaded when the presenter told him, "We're
not doing this for you, Alan, we're doing it for us."

The 'us' in the context of this ng are those who have benefited from Allan's
presence among us. It might have come to an end now but won't be forgotten
while we're around and we're entitled to express our feelings even if Allan
doesn't see them. If he does come back from time to time I'm sure that he'll
have something to contribute. There are too few men here.

Mary

It's an act of compassion for someone we feel was an integral part of
this group for so long. As for "talking to a headstone" I guess you
should go to all the cemetaries and chase all those "weird" people away
who spend many hours visiting their beloveds and speaking to them at
their headstones!  When one passes on, in my opinion, we can still
remember them with love and speak to them as we stand by a HEADSTONE,
look at a photo of them, or just have a thought about them.  Memories
keep our loved ones alive so please don't knock talking to "headstones".
We all cope in our own ways.

My post to Allan, and yes, I agree with Tim that Allan may check in to
see if he received any caring respones to his post about Deborah, was
just to let him know we not only care about what Deborah suffered but
about his role in being there for her.  Not everyone has an Allan or Tim
to be such a mountain of support through this ordeal.   I am so grateful
for everyone who posts in this group but as Mary so wisely said, we
don't get to hear enough about what the men are going through or doing
for their spouses.   Their women may have passed on to another life but
these men can live in peace knowing they were there for them.

So if I am just talking to a "headstone" be grateful it isn't yours,
Pumpkin!

Bea

'NO FORWARDS OR SPAM, PLEASE"

I can only tell you that two years after his death, I still talk to my
husband via his picture sometimes late at night, telling him about my
day and problems I have and how very much I miss him. And when I feel
comforted at those times, I believe there is some way in which he
hears me.

Linda Scheimann