Welcome to the best group no one wants to have to join!

As time passes, the experience gets smaller in the rear-view mirror.  Like
anything else, it's always a part of your past, thus always a part of your
life.  You have choices about how big a part, and what kind of part of your
life it is.

Like you, I had bilateral mastectomies (after stage III BC, with tumors in
both breasts), but unlike you, didn't have reconstruction.   I was your
current age, 44, at diagnosis.  It's easy to feel betrayed by one's body,
and I felt greatly weakened and not at all like myself because of the
effects of treatment (surgery, chemo, radiation, Tamoxifen/Arimidex) on my
body.

What has helped my attitude is the work to get stronger and fitter post-BC.
(Exercise significantly reduces risk of future BC.)  I started doing yoga,
then took up weight training, joined a breast cancer survivors' rowing team,
etc., getting stonger & more confident of my physical self along the way.
At this point, six and half years post-diagnosis, I'm very happy.

But everyone is unique, especially when it comes to attitudes.  I hope lots
of others here will give you their perspectives -- maybe something will
resonate with you.

I can tell you you're *not* a freak (not that that will in itself help).
You've been tested by a very difficult experience, and come out the other
side.  You have the strength to get through this phase successfully, too, so
don't be too hard on yourself that it takes time & effort.

I also hope others will have some good advice for you about the intimacy
questions  -- I'm a widow and a difficult personality, add that to the
libido effects of the drugs, and intimacy isn't high on my hit parade.

Welcome to the group,

Ann T.
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DCIS is about as benign as you can get and still have breast cancer.  I
think Anne's response, the whole experience becomes more distant with time,
is right on.  One does not usually speak of "cure" with breast cancer,
because it can show up after some time.  The treatments you have had should
come as close, however, to Cure as it is possible to reach.  Enjoy life.

Yes there is - a time when you understand that life is very good.

I hope not. It's up to you to treat your experience as one more thread in
the rich tapestry of Life.

That's a real shame because you're denying yourself one of the great
pleasures between two people and you're in your prime. You're certainly not
a freak, you've had and are having healing surgery, it's not pleasant at the
time but one day it will be in the past. Please be patient.

We can't really help except perhaps by encouraging you by our own
experiences. You're not unique in the world but most of us here have
different stories to tell.

In 1998 I was diagnosed with bc, had a lumpectomy and quite distressing
radiation. But I lived through it. Last September my husband had a radical
prostatectomy, horrid at the time but he's almost back to normal now. We
both love life and each other and express our love intimately (with the help
of a vacuum pump and injections!). If anything our cancers and their
treatments have enriched us and I hope that in time yours will enrich you
and your partner.

But do keep in touch, one day you might be able to encourage other newbies
because there will be other unhappy people who come here for the first time.

Hugs,

Mary

I so wish there were something magically reassuring to say......I recall
vividly feeling so much the way you are feeling.

My cancer was almost 24 years ago, when I was 35 years old (stage II,
hormone receptor positive).  I had a modified radical mastectomy, followed
by a year of chemo and then reconstruction with a tissue expander.  It took
a long while before I was able to believe in my health again and that made
for some really miserable depression, but eventually I did begin to believe
that I could be well.

I wasn't overly concerned with my body image, since I've been overweight
for a long time.  I also firmly believed that I'm a whole lot more than my
body parts.  I do recall being very concerned  about my desirability to my
husband. Early on he conveyed that even though I was flat on one side, he
wanted me.  The dear man didn't waste a lot of words......he took my hand
and put it on the one spot that absolutely convinced me.  (Please forgive if
I've been indelicate here.)  I think that if your loved one is indicating
that he wants intimacy, you can trust him.  A friend asked if I would
consider my husband less desirable if he had only one testicle.  She knew
that I wouldn't be affected at all by that, and said that I needed to give
him credit for being able to feel the same way I'd feel if he'd had life
saving surgery.

I think I was also determined that cancer would NOT take one additional iota
of meaning and pleasure from my life than it already had.  My intimate
relationship with my husband was NOT going to be on the line.  We'd been
married 14 years at the time.  This summer we will celebrate our 38th
anniversary.  Our relationship is better than ever.  Each of us has had some
serious health concerns, and we realize how very fortunate we are to be here
loving each other.

I wish you well.  There is life after breast cancer.

Hugs,
Barb