 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Breast Cancer / March 2007What should I say to my mum?
I found out today that my 80 year old mum had discovered a lump in one of her breasts and had been for a series of tests today which included a mammogram, ultrasound and then 6 biopsies, 3 in each breast. She gets her results on Thursday and if it's bad news, I want to be as helpful and supportive as possible rather than just give an emotional response. I guess the logical me is thinking "you are 80, at that age these things can progress slowly, you could be around for 5 years" but I know irrespective of your age, you are still as just scared and I suspect comments like that can't be helpful at this stage. On the other hand, "we love you and will be beside you all the way through this" doesn't sound enough as I am meant to be the one in the family with all the answers. Thanks for your help. > I guess the logical me is thinking "you are 80, at that age these > things can progress slowly, you could be around for 5 years" but I [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > Thanks for your help. You are right, the post menopausal women's breast cancer tends to be less aggressive. It answer to your question, be there for your mom, assist her in getting to and from the appoitments. If she will let you go to her appointments with her, take notes before and after. Alex > I found out today that my 80 year old mum had discovered a lump in one > of her breasts and had been for a series of tests today which included [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > > Thanks for your help. I'll agree with what Alex didn't say but obviously thought, that this isn't a situation where you can come up with a glib answer and have done with it. Things you can do are to be sensitive to what she is feeling and react accordingly. Not everyone feels the same. If she is scared, then you can offer leadership, you can learn about her condition, her prognosis and her options, and discuss them with her in a knowledgeable way. The best way to deal with fear is to face the situation in a matter-of-fact way and get on with it. But this is not a situation where you can expect in a macho way to have all the answers. You have to be a little humble, to be prepared to admit that you don't have an answer, but still intend to go out and find one. If she has practical problems e.g. with transport it is easy to help there, if only going to the pharmacist for her. If she wants to talk about it, or not to, follow her lead. Don't push her into discussing it when she is in denial, and don't ignore her or fob her off with platitudes when she wants to talk about it. Many people go though phases of denial and research and so on, but everyone is different. Be aware that cancer scares off friends. If she does have the disease, then she may come to feel socially isolated, and perhaps you can help there too. As you say, simply saying that you will do these things sounds trite, and is perhaps unnecessary. What matters is actually being there when it counts. Tim Jackson Say: "I love you." Gently hold & hug her, esp. if she starts crying when you do. Have a pkg of Kleenex handy, in your pocket. Stay a while. Don't rush off. Let her do the talking, if there is any. Stay calm & quiet, steady. Make her a cup of tea or coffee, or let her make you some if she insists. Sit & drink some too. Don't make any promises. Most people break them, so it will probably cause doubt & conflict, reminders of worse times, past times. Let her feel peace & comforted instead. Show her in actions (caring, calm, supportive ones) that you care. Spend some time with her occasionally if you can, playing a quick game or some such, like crosswords, checkers, cards, .... reading the Sunday comics together. Eating sandwiches or snacks. Susan Wms, Su_Texas my opinions I totally agree....I found out last year at 50 and no matter what age you are you need supportive, loving people. I had one insensitive friend make a comment to me about my reconstruction that is going on "I'm getting what I want?" No... that's never what I wanted.....so think and choose your words wisely. I lost my breast to cancer not because I wanted a new boob. Pami I am 76 with Stage 4 - I have come to realize as I have aged that regardless of how we may look or what maladies we have - "inside" we still feel the same as when younger. So, try to remember this with your mom and support her efforts to find diversions, enjoyments, etc if you are able (living near, etc.) and as others have said be a good listener even when it is difficult. Greta Thanks for all your input guys. As I feared it was bad news and my mum has cancer in both her breasts. I am going to have to understand much more about the disease/treatment to try to help her make the right decisions. For instance they have offered her a mastectomy or tablets but I don't understand why she would have a mastectomy if the cancer has already spread (which they don't seem to be able to tell her), Good to know you are all here if I need you. > Thanks for all your input guys. As I feared it was bad news and my > mum has cancer in both her breasts. I am going to have to understand [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > cancer has already spread (which they don't seem to be able to tell > her), Good to know you are all here if I need you. The breast scans and biopsies will not indicate whether the cancer has spread (metastasised) or how far. If it is known to have spread, as you say, it would not be usual to do mastectomies. But it is only 'known' if there are symptoms of distant secondary tumours. Where there is no direct evidence of spread, as here, then it is usual to remove the primary tumour, in this case that means bilateral mastectomy, in the hope that metastasis has not occurred or is controllable. Lymph node dissection is normally done as part of the same operative procedure. This gives a good indication of how much spreading has occurred, and the result is used to determine what further treatment to offer. However when dealing with the elderly the surgeon has to take other factors into account, such as the patient's remaining life expectancy, any concurrent illnesses (co-morbidity) and her potential to recover from surgery. It seems that they have rather passed the buck of this decision to her. I think they ought to recommend which path they think she should take. Of course the final decision should be hers, but she needs expert advice to take it. The object of the exercise is always to maximise the patient's remaining quality life time. That means count one month of normal life as one quality-life-month. Then consider a month of life degraded by symptoms or side effects as a partial month by subjective judgement, e.g. maybe a month bedridden might count as half a quality-life-month. Adding up the quality-life expectancy projected by each of the choices (e.g. if chemotherapy were expected to give you 6 months at 50% and to extend your life by 4 months at 100% then it's worth doing, but not by much.) Tim Jackson Greta's advice is excellent.... Pami |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2008 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.