Hello Pam,
I'm so sorry that you have a worrisome lump on your arm.  I completely
understand how scarey it is to have any health concern after a cancer
diagnosis.  It took me years not to believe that every single ache and pain
was a recurrence.  While it is true that bc can recur, it is possible to
survive many, many, many years--and the longer one survives, the better the
chances are that bc won't come back.  This November will be the 23rd
anniversary of my diagnosis.  I will always be concerned that a health
problem could be cancer, but those health problems could also be any number
of other conditions.  Thank goodness, I've been relatively healthy during
these 23 years, but I've had my share of illness, once with a kinda serious
pancreatitis.  I'll admit I can hardly wait until tests narrow the
possibilities, and eliminate cancer as the culprit, but I really don't spend
a lot of time thinking of cancer  these days.  It IS possible to live life
after cancer.  My husband, like yours, was ready to consider me cured when I
was not nearly so sure.  After a while, his attitude began to influence the
way I thought about it, and one day I realized that cancer wasn't any longer
"front and center".  For me, it just took time for a better perspective.

I really hope that you find that the lump in your arm isn't cancer related
and is something very easily treatable.  I also hope that it doesn't take
long to find out.  The waiting is never easy.

I will be thinking of you, Pamela.  Please let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,
Barb

Did you? I don't remember.  I'm sorry to hear we let you down.

Yes, of course everything that happens we always think "could this be a
recurrence".  It's difficult but probably best to take the attitude the
medical profession takes, which is to assume everything is *not* mets.
until proved otherwise.

As far as a 'cure' is concerned, I think reality lies somewhere in
between your and your husband's views.  Most people who get a diagnosis
of breast cancer and have it treated never hear from it again, either as
a recurrence or as another separate incident.  On the other hand, unlike
some other cancers breast cancer can lie dormant for many years before
recurring, so there remains a small risk of recurrence even say 20 years
later.  But this has to be seen in perspective, the risk of being
knocked down by a bus never goes away either, even if you've survived
being hit once.  And of course it is a pretty common disease, and just
because you've had it once doesn't mean you can't get it again.

But if we spend our lives worrying about all the things that could kill
us, we'd never do any living.  So if you can, it's best to put it aside
with all the other risks of life, and find a distraction.

Tim Jackson

Hi, Pam,

I'm sorry you didn't feel supported when you last posted,  and I apologize
if I contributed to that.  I'm glad you're giving us another chance . . .
sometimes newsgroups seem to be "in a mood" just like individual people can
be!

It's true that people around us don't always understand that cancer doesn't
"go away"  -- that the worry and the difficult experience persist in us,
along with risks of metastatic disease in cancers like BC, or of new primary
cancers.  I think sometimes those who love us kind of talk themselves into
an "it's all over" attitude because it's tough for them to consider the
worse alternatives, and easier for them (in some cases) than us to put it
out of their minds.

My experience has been that the frequency & level of worry gets a bit
smaller in the rear-view mirror as time passes, but it's still there.  (I
was diagnosed at stage III almost exactly 6 years ago, and am luckily NED
now.)  Each ache or pain raises the worry, and waiting for test results is
particularly trying.  And there's no question that the loss of others close
to us to cancer increases the worry.  (My husband died at 45 of esophageal
cancer, and my mom of breast cancer . . . .).

As far as there being "no cure", well, quite a lot of us survive long enough
these days to die of something else (and *nobody's* getting out of here
alive!).  Thinking of the women I know who've survived BC for
6-8-12-15-17-20 years (yep, really know women to match all those numbers)
helps.  So does thinking about the scientific progress -- maybe I can hang
in here NED until the science achieves what we're all hoping for.

I'm sending positive thoughts, and wishes that you may find your "ray of
hope"!

Ann T.
Remove 'dontsendspam' from address to reply by email

Pam, sometimes we don't get our concerns across well and then think others
don't care. It's not true, we DO care.

Sometimes those who respond don't get their concerns across well and give
the impression that we don't care. It's not true, we DO care.

Sometimes we don't hear - or read - what we want to hear. We're selective.
Those who respond aren't mind readers, we don't always know what someone
wants to hear. We DO care though.

Sometimes we seem to be hard because we have to try - not always as gently
as we could - to be honest. That's a form of caring too.

It's not easy for either party. It's important for anyone with concerns to
say how they feel and to vent if necessary, to criticise, to weep - we've
all done it.

That's a very common reaction. Spouse tried to reassure me by saying that it
was only a small lump, that they'd taken it out and got it in time and that
everything would be fiine. I knew, like you, that it isn't as simple as that
and what he said didn't comfort me although I knew that's what he wanted. It
just made me want to scream at him. Others have said the same - but we know
better.

We shall all die but we might not die from breast cancer, please don't worry
about that. It's important to enjoy your life without looking over your
shoulder all the time. That's what 'a positive attitude' does, it won't cure
cancer but it makes the rest of your life worth living.

We all know many people who have died from cancer. Cancer of all kinds is
increasingly common because other fatal condition have been more easily
treated whereas in the past they would have seen us off. Now we're surviving
them. One day I expect that cancers will be easily treated too and something
else will become the No 1 health concern.

My experience with bc has been invaluable in the last weeks, since Spouse
was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I knew what not to say :-)

There are lots of hopeful rays, the trouble is that they can sound
patronising. Sometimes it's difficult to know what to say for fear of saying
something wrong, but we DO care, each in our individual ways.

We in UK ARE fortunate to have the NHS, despite all its failings. You are
especially lucky to have such a caring GP. And you are also priviliged to
have found this ng, full of people with a very wide range of experiences
(no-one's exactly the same)  who also care.

The crisis has passed, it might be slow to get back to normal but it will
happen.

At my low times I remember Julian of Norwich saying, "All will be well" -
and up to now it has been. It can seem like a long, hard journey though.
Last week I was in quite a state, it now seems like an awfully long time
ago. I hope that's how you'll feel soon.

Until you do, just shout, cry, moan, whine, complain - everyone here knows
about all that and no-one will ignore or condemn you although we're only
human and might not know how to respond.

Hugs,

Mary

Hi Pam -
I'm new to the group (today) and I just wanted to tell you how brave I
think you are.  I also wanted to share with you a possible "husband
point of view" that I've been trying to reconcile within my own
situation.
2.5 years ago I had a cancer scare.  Mammogram suspicious, then
ultrasound also suspicious.  Surgeon prepared us (husband and I) for
breast cancer due to what the area looked like and the criteria it met.
I had a lumpectomy and it turned out to be radial scar tissue.  Boy
was I happy, but I had this nagging feeling (that I didn't share with
husband) that I had just dodged the bullet and another was waiting to
be fired.
This past Saturday felt a lump the size of a walnut in same breast.
Had husband check, he felt it also.  He was so quick with all of the
non-bc things it could be and I found myself having to tell him the
reality of the situation (yes, I am a realist and he is an optomist).
Couldn't get in to see my Dr. for 2 weeks so I changed Drs.  Got in on
Monday and she ordered first available mammo and ultras (Friday am).
Got results Friday afternoon which indicated (drum roll here) . . .
nothing.  But, they want me to see a surgeon because we can all feel
the lump.
Once again, (and at every step of the process), my husband is quick to
give me 15 non-bc explanations of what the lump could be.  I finally
exploded and told him that I am tired of argueing with him about
whether or not I have cancer and that I don't really want to have to
keep the debate up about what the odds are that I could die from this.
(Yes, the fight was brutal!).  He walked away and then e-mailed me that
he just absolutely can't deal with the possibility of losing me and
that if his mind goes there, he just starts to break down.  He knows
the reality of the situation, he was just trying to get through the
day.  He also wanted me to consider that I just may not have bc because
it seemed to him that I was so set on the fact that I do (haven't
shared the feeling of impending doom that I've had since the first
lumpectomy so he would have no way of knowing why I feel this way).
I guess I had been so centered on me that I forgot there is another
victim in this situation.
So, just another point of view from another scared person.  You hang in
there and you both keep your spirits up.  We, here in Illinois are
trying to do the same!
Cookie (yes, my last name is also Cook)

Pam,
It's a rough road.  I've lost friends to BC and now I have it.  I can only
say we are here for a visit and I now enjoy this visit like a vacation.  I
am here for you if you want to talk.  Sewing is very soothing....get out
your sewing machine.
Pami