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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Breast Cancer / August 2005Spouses who can't cope with BC
What does one do if one has a spouse who can't cope with the wife having bc because they are panic stricken over taking over all the home and financial responsibilities the wife always handled? First of all, the bc spouse finds it depressing that her spouse spends his time already thinking of her as being dead! This is not positive thinking and not helpful to the wife. She has typed sheets of info for him to use for "just in case" and he also has relatives who can help him over the hurrdle but yet he stays depressed over the issue. She has set up an appointment for him with a psychiatrist but wonders if anyone here has faced this problem and how they helped to resolve it. Thanks for any help you can give. Bea >What does one do if one has a spouse who can't cope with the wife having >bc because they are panic stricken over taking over all the home and [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] >psychiatrist but wonders if anyone here has faced this problem and how >they helped to resolve it. Thanks for any help you can give. Hi, Bea - Spouse needs counseling. I understand that a cancer diagnosis affects the whole family, but in my mind spouse is making this all about him when the cancer survivor should be the star of the show right now. When Deborah was diagnosed I had her half-buried as well. Thought about how awful it would be to live in the house she decorated, to plan and attend her funeral and to endure the pity of friends and family. That was several years ago. Deborah is doing just fine, thankyouverymuch, and although we're doing chemo again she's not dead or dying. When she was first diagnosed I took some comfort in the idea that when she went I'd go shortly after her because I really didn't want to live alone - and that's how I coped for awhile. Eventually it occurred to me that most widowers don't take their own life after their partner dies and I got some help. I talked to Deborah's minister - she married us and is a bc survivor herself. She told me that *if* Deborah moved on from this life my job would be to grieve, help others through that grieving process and then to get on with my life. She also told me that if I spent the rest of the time we had together waiting for something awful to happen I'd regret it for the rest of my life - because I wasn't making the most of the time we'd been given. These days we rest when we can and work when we have to - and we're living proof that breast cancer isn't an immediate death sentence. Hubby needs some help, that's all. hugs -  Signatureallan we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. -- Anais Nin Hi Allan, Thanks so much for your beautiful, comforting response. It made me cry. I will have him read it and pray it helps him understand what is going on inside of his head. I don't mean to sound selfish but I need his support and encouragement and can't take much more of his talking about when "I" am gone. I survived a Cerebral Aneurysm one year before I was diagnosed with bc so I think if somebody up there wanted me, I should have been gone already. My story is the perfect example of a wife who took on too much responsibility so that she could give her spouse a longer life and now he fears coping alone. Well! Maybe he will just have to put up with this little bitch for quite a while if I have my way! Thanks again for adding some light to what was a very dark day for me. Hugs back to you and your wonderful Deborah. Bea >Thanks so much for your beautiful, comforting response. It made me cry. >I will have him read it and pray it helps him understand what is going [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] > >Hugs back to you and your wonderful Deborah. You deserve all the sunny days you can have, Bea - and so does Hubby. I still get a little weirded out when Deborah takes a turn for the worse - folks in this group have watched me for almost six years, and when something doesn't go right I have a foolproof plan - I panic for about a week ;-) Then I manage to buckle down and do what needs to be done. I wish I could say that I take every little downturn in stride, but I don't. Each setback reminds me of my wife's disease and the fact that at some point this is likely to end badly, but fortunately I've been able to suck it up pretty well so far. I can understand that Hubby is scared witless sometimes - sometimes I am too. Deborah and I were talking last night after we got back from her parents' house and she mentioned that her mom had already picked out a handful of women for Dad to marry when she shuffled off this mortal coil. I told Deborah I'd had much the same thought a long time ago but decided all her single friends were crazy and that at least for the short term I'd rather be alone ;-) Hubby can acquire the skills he needs to make it on his own if it becomes necessary, Bea. Right now getting you better should be his first priority - but in order to support you he has to take care of himself as well. If there's anything at all I can do, please holler. Signatureallan we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. -- Anais Nin >Right now getting you better should be his first > priority - but in order to support you he has to > take care of himself as well. The sad part is that for some spouses it is easier for them to stay weak so that they can force their wives to continue to take care of them. We all have choices in life to make. Being depressed may not be a direct choice but refusing to help one's self get better and to fight to get well so that you can help yourself and your wife is a choice. Thank goodness for Deborah, you had the courage to make the right choice. I think she still survives because her spirit is strengthened by you. She is very fortunate to have someone like you at her side. My condolences on the death of her father. He must have been a very special man to have fathered such a courageous daughter. Bea HI Bea From my standpoint I had to grow up real quick it was not about me anymore it was all about what I could do for her to keep her spirit up and her heart in the fight. We went to every appointment together because I did not want to hear anything second hand and my Trini was some what passive and I am very aggressive so I asked all the tough questions of her Doctors. We cried together and we loved and lived together, but I never let my doubt show to her. We had a motto and for the most part it worked. I told her the only thing she had to do was worry about getting better and I would worry about the cancer. I love her and miss her so, and miss her the moments we had together even when she had cancer. Mike > What does one do if one has a spouse who can't cope with the wife having > bc because they are panic stricken over taking over all the home and [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > > Bea >I told her the only thing she had to do was > worry about getting better and I would worry > about the cancer. I love her and miss her so, > and miss her the moments we had together > even when she had cancer. >Mike What a beautiful, inspiring thing to say to your wife, Mike. Too bad, you, Alan, Tim and Tony etc. can't write a book about how a "caring" spouse should act when his wife has bc. Mine still waits for me to take care of him and frankly after 44 years of marriage, I think it is my turn to be taken care of. I am just sorry I had to burden him with getting bc. It makes my heart glad to know some of the bc women do have guys who are actually taking care of them and they don't have to feel as alone as I do. Bless you all for loving your wives so much! Bea Mike - you old sea dog, you ;-) It's good to see you and I'm so sorry to hear about Trini. Deborah and I are still plugging along - today she seems to have a bout of cellulitis but a quick trip to Dr. Smiley for some IV antiibiotics and pain meds and she should be right as rain in a day or so. Keep in touch, Mike. allan |
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