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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Breast Cancer / July 2005Just wondering///////
I was here back in 2003 when my wife was undergoing treatment for infiltrative breast cancer. Exactly 4 months after her first year "anniversary", she locked me out of our home and filed for divorce. I have heard that this is more common than not. Can anyone offer any explanation to her actions besides being a total nut case??? Thanks.......homeless and penniless, John Where you supportive of your wife during treatment? Was your marriage strong before her illness? Prior to my illness, my husband and I had lost many relatives and had a miscarriage in a very short period of time. We became stronger and perhaps it had hardened us prior to my diagnosis. Why not ask why she felt the need for a divorce? Alex >I was here back in 2003 when my wife was undergoing treatment for > infiltrative breast cancer. [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > Thanks.......homeless and penniless, John John- From a medical view, your wife (or ex-wife) was expressing her feelings of anger, rage,guilt, confusion,depression,pain,mourning,death thoughts and many others all rolled up and at you. You are the embodiment of her pain, John. She it not nuts, just hurting, badly. Sometimes, she could tell you and I have seen over and over again, tears are not enough. Hugs are not enough, but being supportive is enough. My life is full, when I see an ailing hurting person light up when I just care about them (and not the breast ca in room 12). I cry with them, hug them and laugh with them, and I am, according to my wife of 20 years, "a manly man". As for the divorce, you remain the image of pain in her mind, kinda like a smell today that reminds you of a pie baking at your mother's house when you were 4 years old. The fix- change. You can replace her negative feelings with happiness. But you have to stop being unpliable (i.e., "SHE" is nuts) and become a supportive, understanding caregiver. The beer and pretzel days in the front of the TV are over, if you want her back. You would hold the hair of your child when he/she vomits, right. Well, your wife has a struggle must more scarier than vomiting. Good luck. MedGuy > Where you supportive of your wife during treatment? Was your marriage > strong before her illness? [quoted text clipped - 15 lines] > > > > Thanks.......homeless and penniless, John I had bc 3 1/2 years ago,mastectomy, chemo,etc. My husband was fantastic.Then 18mths later -12 days before 25th wedding anniversay-he came home from work and said he needed time away from me and the four kids. Next day he said he wouldnt be coming back.We had been a very happy family. No-one,(family,friends workmates) could believe it. He said he couldnt explain why, he just wanted a "new life". I believe the stress of the cancer and other stresses were just too much for him to handle. >I believe the stress of the cancer and other > stresses were just too much for him to > handle. Why are you making excuses for him?? I have heard of too many instances where men bailed out on their families when the mother or a child got a chronic illness. It just turns my stomach to think that they think they can get away with turning weak and running when their families need them the most. Women are expected to always be strong and care for the kids and make things work no matter what but men seemed to have this sick little voice inside of them which says "better or worse" only means for the woman to cope with. I am so sorry for the predicament your so called life partner put you in. However, you sound strong enough to manage without him and even make a good home for the kids he left behind. My best wishes for you. Unfortunately, your story is not rare when it comes to the male species from my experience. When life is no longer "fun", they think they can cut and run or have nervous breakdowns so we are forced to take care of them. "Mommy" is always supposed to take care of her kids. Too bad they aren't trained by their own parents that the wife is NOT their mommy! Once again, best of luck with the rest of your life. Bea > I am so sorry for the predicament your so called life partner put you > in. However, you sound strong enough to manage without him and even [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > they aren't trained by their own parents that the wife is NOT their > mommy! Perhaps these kinds of men are "not so rare", but they are not universal, either. One might suggest choosing carefully in the marriage department, and recognizing the role our own shopping preferences have in the package we ultimately take home? Men are more like potato chips than like water . . . they may be addictive, but it *is* possible to live without them. Nothing beats a happy marriage, but (my theory is that) being single beats the heck out of an unhappy one. (I've been happily married, and am now happily single.) YMMV. Ann T. Remove 'dontsendspam' from address to reply by email >>I believe the stress of the cancer and other >>stresses were just too much for him to [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > > Bea In defence of men. I don't think we have an exclusive on abandoning a relationship when things get tough. Sure, women usually get custody of the children when relationships break down, but the men rarely get any say in that, it is taken for granted by society and enforced by the courts. Sure some men cut and run when trouble strikes, or trade in their partners for a newer model. But I believe the tendency to see the divorce court as a solution to marital problems applies to both sexes and is unfortunately endemic in modern western society. There seem to be a lot of single mothers around who are of the opinion that a father is an awkward optional extra in their family. So much more convenient if he can be driven out of the home and still be prevailed upon to provide some financial support. The idea of "what is best for our family" sadly soon reverts to "what is best for me" when alternatives seem more attractive than the status quo. But either way we are talking about a minority. Most marriages do not end in divorce, most couples do stay together and support each other through thick and thin. While criticising the minority we must not loose sight of the norms. Tim Jackson anyone offer any explanation to her actions >besides being a total nut case??? >Thanks.......homeless and penniless, John She doesn't sound like a total nut case to me. She had the ability to make sure "you" are the homeless and penniless person, not her. Most women I know with bc crave help and support at this time and I can't believe your wife would have taken such drastic actions against you if you had been there when she needed you most. She sounds like a very courageous woman to me to be willing to cope with her bc alone rather than cope with the situation which drove her away from you. Unfortunately, not too many men have the courage it takes to live with women who have bc. It's usually women who are trained instinctively to be caretakers and men like Tim, Allan, Tony and others on here who were up to the task are not in the majority, in my opinion. I think you should take a good look at yourself before you go calling your wife a "nutcase". Bea > anyone offer any explanation to her actions >>besides being a total nut case??? [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > >Bea I was by her side from DAY 1. Always. Very supportive. Did everything so she could heal and deal with her battle. Attended support groups both together and individually. Took every step I could to do anything I could to make her comfortable and feel loved. 24/7 This was not the first woman I care for who had cancer. My first wife lost her battle to it 9 years ago. I was at her side and cared for her better than anyone could because we knew each other so well. My newest EX wife and I had a teriffic marriage and relationship for three years before her diagnosis. Now Pass Judgement >I was by her side from DAY 1. Always. Very > supportive. Did everything so she could heal snip Sorry if I rushed to judgement but maybe if you had taken the time to put this in your first post my response would not have been the same. Instead you choose to call her a "nutcase" which did not sit well with me. If you did everything you say you did for her then the answer to why she did what she did rests with her. Bea > anyone offer any explanation to her actions >>besides being a total nut case??? [quoted text clipped - 17 lines] > > Bea I am generally inclined to agree with you, but would suggest moving slowly to judgment, rather than rushing there. My wife abandoned us about four years after her BC. It does not appear that her cancer experience had much to do with it. Her parents were both living with us and her father (who has since died) suffered a progressive dementia. She had a hysterectomy and bladder suspension which did not go well, and that was part of the precipitating cause. Truth is, however, I had known for over 30 years that we would probably not be together at the end of our lives. "Nut case" is not a diagnostic term and is therefore name-calling, but stating her psychiatric diagnosis is not much better. I don't have any sage words to offer John, but would suggest that a simple explanation that he was uncaring may miss the mark a bit, perhaps quite a bit. |
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