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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Breast Cancer / July 2005Support Group and Heather
Heather, what right do you have to tell me about my rights? It seems that all you want is sympathy; because of our experiences, members of this group do offer each other sensitive insights. Take them or leave them, but don't get mad at the posters who are definitely in the spirit of this group. Deb Let's cut her a bit of slack ;-) I think it's worthwhile to note that every single one of us has been where Heather is now - and a lot of us have have worked through at least some of it. I think she's angry and scared and I can certainly remember feeling that way - sometimes I *still* feel that way. This is all new stuff for her and she'll either get a handle on things and grow to love us or decide we can't offer her what she wants and move on to someone who can. None of us got it right as soon as we showed up at the door ;-) If she's looking for a support group she just found the best one there is - if she's looking for a sympathy group she'll be sorely disappointed and will move on. Time will tell ;-) hugs - > If she's looking for a support group she just found the best one there > is - if she's looking for a sympathy group she'll be sorely > disappointed I didn't know there was a difference. I offer support and sympathy to people at the same time. I don't separate them. Perhaps leave a sign on the door here "if you want sympathy...buzz off" or something. . If some people in this group are too one-dimensional to do both, then I say I am not missing much by bailing out. My advice to you would be to try to be less of a pompous nit, and realize I am dealing with the iminent loss of my dear mother. I presented our case in a decently written post, in an intelligent manner, told you all the medical history, etc. I didn't come here saying "WAHHH my mommy has cancer feel sorry for meeee." All I wanted was to be with other nice people who need a kind word every so often. You're not capable of it. So...I bid you farewell. I thought about writing sooner than this about the change in this group. But coward that I am I knew I would then be under attack. This group is so different than last year when I came looking for answers. In other groups if someone is consider 'out of line' the others learn to ignore them. I apoligize to Heather for the way she has ben treated here. I cringed when I read her opening post, knowing what would happen. Folks-I'm ashamed of you. ' >I thought about writing sooner than this about the change in this group. >But coward that I am I knew I would then be under attack. This group is [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] >cringed when I read her opening post, knowing what would happen. >Folks-I'm ashamed of you. Now this is interesting. Maybe it's because I've been here for so long and change is gradual, but I haven't noticed a real shift in the way the group treats people. I and a couple of others have finally decided not to tolerate one person who's interest in the group appears to be completely self-serving, and after ignoring her for years I finally decided to step in when she started posting bad medical advice. I'm gonna continue to watch her and to call her on the garbage if and when she posts it. Maybe she'll straighten up, maybe she'll get disgusted and leave - but I believe both are unlikely. Apparently we couldn't meet Heather's needs - but when someone walks in here with a chip on their shoulder some folks aren't likely to meet their expectations, I guess. Apparently we didn't provide the kind of "support" she was looking for. Hopefully she'll find a group that can support her. She told someone to stop bickering in "her" thread - the thread doesn't belong to her, she just made the first post. As far as I can tell threads here aren't owned by anybody. A lot of the time being loving toward someone means *not* giving them what they ask for, and as much as I can understand someone being angry at being deprived of a parent, in the end it's still Mom's decision - and if all Heather was looking for was someone to agree how awful it was that Mom kept her disease to herself, I can understand why she'd be disappointed in this group. I'm not sure that's all she was looking for, but what I did see was her getting angry when our "support" didn't meet her expectations and I suspect there was a bit of backchanneling going on. Oh, well. I would like to pursue this a little, though. Have we really become uncaring?  Signatureallan we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. -- Anais Nin > > She told someone to stop bickering in "her" thread - the thread > doesn't belong to her, she just made the first post. As far as I can > tell threads here aren't owned by anybody. I can understand Heather's anger, I think we all have been there at one time or another. My impression is that this is a breast cancer support group....a place where breast cancer issues are discussed. I thought her response that we are not supporting her. I would have to agree, that the answers were based to support her mother ( she is the one with the breast cancer after all). Unfortunately for her she did not get the answers that she was looking for, what I found upsetting is the fact her response was hostile. There are lots of places on the internet, I hope she finds one she finds that meets her needs. >I can understand Heather's anger, I think we all have been there at one time >or another. My impression is that this is a breast cancer support group....a [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] >lots of places on the internet, I hope she finds one she finds that meets >her needs. Maybe we should pay a little more attention, then. I'll admit to being less than sympathetic when someone comes around demanding sympathy and they're not even the cancer survivor. If memory serves it was Heather's mom who had a hole eaten through her skull and it appeared to me the "support" she wanted was for someone to validate how horribly she'd been treated by her mother. It's hard for me to work up any sympathy for that kind of attitude. But - we all handle stress differently, I guess ;-) Signatureallan we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. -- Anais Nin I don't think I was clear. Everyone's response to Heather (IMHO) was fine, it didn't fill Heather's need and she became hostile. I think Heather's expectation's were unrealistic. >>I can understand Heather's anger, I think we all have been there at one >>time [quoted text clipped - 21 lines] > > But - we all handle stress differently, I guess ;-) >I don't think I was clear. Everyone's response to Heather (IMHO) was fine, >it didn't fill Heather's need and she became hostile. I think Heather's >expectation's were unrealistic. Oops ;-) Maybe we should look at how we're treating people anyway - I've heard a couple people this week say things could have been better. hugs - Signatureallan we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. -- Anais Nin >>I don't think I was clear. Everyone's response to Heather (IMHO) was fine, >>it didn't fill Heather's need and she became hostile. I think Heather's [quoted text clipped - 6 lines] > > hugs - Think of it like meeting people in a club or a bar. You like a lot of the people you meet, but you really don't get on with a few. When you have a bad encounter or get criticism, that might make you back off a little, check out your own attitude and maybe retune how you approach people. But it's more like a public park than a club, we don't put bouncers on the door to regulate who comes in or enforce a dress (attitude) code, that would make it a very boring place, and if someone comes in, meets a couple of people they don't like and decides not to stay, well, that's too bad, but unavoidable. You can't please all the people all the time. There is a local park my daughter won't go to "because Laura goes there": it's not the park's fault, and new swings won't help. If we think that some of the people new contributors meet initially are giving a bad impression of the group, the only answer is to be out there as much as possible meeting them first and providing a counterweight. Tim >I would like to pursue this a little, though. Have > we really become uncaring? >allan Come on, Allan, don't drink from that cup! You of all people would not be so prominent in this group with Mary, Ann, Tim and numerous others I could name if we were just a group of cold-hearted, insensitive, uncaring people. What I appreciate so much about this group is that when I need an answer to a question I do not get what will make me feel better but what I "need" to know to better prepare myself for the battle with bc. Many times what I read scares the hell out of me but I know I have to face the truth so I can prepare myself for "what can happen" and pray it doesn't. I am taking Arimidex today because so many of you were honest enough to tell me about the side effects but also made me aware of the hope it gave me to survive longer. Just because one poster did not find exactly what she needed from us does not diminish the good this group does. Sometimes "support" can mean giving someone the information they may need so that they can find the strength to face up to what is upsetting them in their lives. This information can sometimes me hard to deal with but dealing with it can help us, in my opinion. Bea > I would like to pursue this a little, though. Have we really become > uncaring? Not really (I think). But I also think we who post and visit more often can sometimes be a tad un-attuned to how our responses may read, when read by someone who doesn't know us yet as well as we know each other. In particular, I fear it's easy for any/all of us, to be a little short in our replies to someone who might happen along right after one of the fractious multi-party outbursts that seemingly happens every few months around some particular post or poster. (Hormonal cycles?? lunar effect?? Dunno.) *Especially* true when the newcomer pushes a button in the vicinity of the immediately-past conflict! It's kind of like someone stopping in my office right after I've had a frustrating or angry phone call with some 3rd party. When the innocent new arrival asks something of me, there's a heightened chance my reply might be slightly frosty. Not their fault, also not my obligation to be in a good mood just for their benefit, but no big surprise if they're taken aback by my tone! This is one of many reasons that I *try* to stay out of the fray, when a dust-up starts on the group. Dust-ups make my knees jerk. <g> Ann T. Remove 'dontsendspam' from address to reply by email > Dust-ups make my knees jerk. <g> Mine too ;-) I'm such an infrequent poster that I doubt if anyone remembers me, but I still like to check this group to see what's happening. I go back to the times when Catharine was a highlight with her funny stories, even though she had bone mets in about every bone of her body. As one who is not involved it gives me somewhat of a spectator's perspective on why there was not a lot of overt sympathy for Heather but a lot of down-to-earth responses. Firstly, most here have either dealt with cancer, it's treatments and life thereafter, or are stage IV which means on-going treatments, tests, and eventually facing end-of-life decisions. I now have mets throughout many bones, however I was only aware of problems when my hip joint/femur began to hurt. A bone scan and follow-up xrays revealed a lot more than I suspected. However, that does not mean that I'm in constant pain and going to die in a few months. Women can live for years with bone mets. Some go right on with normal lives and continue to exercise and do sports. I'm getting along OK with OTC pain relievers, zometa and femara. (So far, that is.) There is the thought that knowing for years you have mets that are not really bothering you does nothing to improve your survival. If her mother chose to live her life without being in cancer treatment then hooray for her. It's hard to get weepy for the daughter when we've all lived with the cancer and learned a lot as time went on. Perhaps she should admire her mother--she may live for many more years. I hope the mother will be relatively painfree with whatever meds/treatment she decides to take and Heather will learn to mature and be able to grow on her own and not depend on her mother to provide a life for her. Just my thoughts....I hope I haven't offended the regulars here, but this was an interesting situation. Kathie >I didn't know there was a difference. I offer support and sympathy to >people at the same time. I don't separate them. Perhaps leave a sign on the [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] >with other nice people who need a kind word every so often. You're not >capable of it. So...I bid you farewell. Pompous nit? Wow. I stand up for her and get bashed ;-) Farewell. I hope you find what you're looking for. Signatureallan we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. -- Anais Nin From: dstrauss@itresourcecenter.org (deb) Heather, what right do you have to tell me about my rights? It seems that all you want is sympathy; because of our experiences, members of this group do offer each other sensitive insights. Take them or leave them, but don't get mad at the posters who are definitely in the spirit of this group. Deb ==================================== "don't get mad at the posters who are definitely in the spirit of this group." With few exceptions, this seems to be a group of pit vipers. I'd hope more posters came here, who were Not "in the spirit of this group." And I disagree that what you're offering are "sensitive insights". More like stone-aged clubs, hitting folks' heads, hearts & emotions. I also consider it rude, crude, & unacceptable, to single out new posters who come here seeking support, ..... & set them up for your gang bangs & bashings, such as by putting Heather's name in the title of this thread. This isn't WWF with y'all ("support group") vs Heather in the ring, duking it out at your insistence & for your amusement. Some people come to support groups seeking support, not bad games. Susan, Su_Texas my opinions > With few exceptions, this seems to be a group of pit vipers. "we see things not as they are, but as we are." -- Anais Nin >With few exceptions, this seems to be a group > of pit vipers. Well evidently you must enjoy the company of such people because you seem to spend a lot of time bandering back and forth with us. I would love to know who your "excepttons" are because from your many posts, any one who disagrees with you or your opinions becomes as you put it, a "pit viper". You do have a colorful imagination Su. Have a nice day! Bea > Heather, what right do you have to tell me about my rights? It seems > that all you want is sympathy; Hmmm...well "Deb" I don't remember having any words with you here. I asked 2 people to stop bickering in my thread about my mother. I didn't know I couldn't come to a "support group" for some kindness and yes..perhaps sympathy. For a "support group" it's certainly filled with people who are basically telling me I have no right to my sadness. Whatever! Sorry I bothered some of you. I've never encountered people like some of you and I won't be joining any more groups. Picking on me because I perhaps wanted a shoulder to lean on or to compare my experiences with some people who have been through this nightmare is all I came here for. You're a mean spirited person. I hope you have some peace before *your* time comes. Bye Now. ~~H. |
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