just need to ramble

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scullycat - 02 Apr 2005 00:22 GMT

Hi,
I'm new here. My beautiful sister-in-law, Laura, has breast cancer with bone
mets.. She is having a blood transfusion today, because her hemoglobin was
so low. My brother, Dave, is a mess, worried about her; and I'm worried
about him.
They lost their 18 yr.old son to heart failure, and my brother has never
been the same since. That was 9 yrs. ago. Laura has adjusted to the loss
better than my brother; he's been depressed ever since then, never been able
to really laugh, ya know. And now my brother is dealing with his wife being
so sick. They have a beautiful daughter that just gave them a granson.
I just feel a heaviness on me. I tried to get my brother to see a shrink
because I'm sure that an antidepressant would help him cope better with
everything; but he always says, when Laura is better. The trouble is, her
health is so up and down, he never thinks of himself. I'm so afraid of when
her health will really decline. How will he ever live without her? I'm sorry
to be negative, but, I love them both so much. She always did everything.
Thanks for letting me ramble.
love,
chris

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Tim Jackson - 02 Apr 2005 10:04 GMT

> Hi,
> I'm new here. My beautiful sister-in-law, Laura, has breast cancer with bone
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> love,
> chris

I don't know if an anti-depressant is the answer, maybe, but I do think
that this is the right time to address such problems. Putting things
off "until Laura is better" basically isn't going to happen. There
might be improvement for a time after treatment, and for a few people
there is a long term recovery, but for most the trend over the longer
term in unfortunately inexorably downwards. My point being that in all
probability, it's only going to get harder.

Some men find terminal illness of their partner very difficult to deal
with. They have grown up with the idea that it is their job to sort out
the problems, to carry the burdens and to protect their partner; and
here they are faced with a situation that they can't fix. Men have to
learn to yield before overwhelming force, if you can't bend, you break.

She is going to need his support during her illness and eventual death,
and in order to provide support to anyone he must first address his own
health and well-being. He needs to recognise that he can't do
everything, to be prepared to ask for help, and above all to make time
for himself.

Signature

Tim Jackson

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Mary Fisher - 02 Apr 2005 10:21 GMT

"Tim Jackson" <tim@tim-jackson.co.uk> wrote in message
news:424e603b$0$27830$ed2619ec@ptn-nntp-

> Some men find terminal illness of their partner very difficult to deal
> with. They have grown up with the idea that it is their job to sort out
[quoted text clipped - 6 lines]
> health and well-being. He needs to recognise that he can't do everything,
> to be prepared to ask for help, and above all to make time for himself.

As always, wise words from someone who knows, who's been there.

But how can you turn a man's despair around when he seems to have been
unable to cope for nine years?

He's going to need support too, it's a very sad situation.

Hugs,

Mary

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Tim Jackson - 02 Apr 2005 14:10 GMT

> "Tim Jackson" <tim@tim-jackson.co.uk> wrote in message
> news:424e603b$0$27830$ed2619ec@ptn-nntp-
[quoted text clipped - 16 lines]
>
> He's going to need support too, it's a very sad situation.

I do believe that people can grow to meet challenges. But the first
step is to recognise the nature of the challenge, and to do it in time
to prepare. Turning one's face away from the future until dragged
backwards by events is a pretty good recipe for despair.

Signature

Tim Jackson

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scullycat - 02 Apr 2005 15:12 GMT

thanks for your replys. There are very few people I can talk openly with
about this. Most of my family are in denial.. Some people avoid them, I
think, because its like being near an ocean of pain, your gonna get wet too.
I lost one brother to lymphoma at 49yrs. old. I'm having a hard time staying
in the present; I keep thinking about when her inevitable passing, and then
I feel guilty even thinking about it, but I'm a nurse,and I deal with things
with a lot of knowledge; about what the next hurdle will be.
love,
chris

>> "Tim Jackson" <tim@tim-jackson.co.uk> wrote in message
>> news:424e603b$0$27830$ed2619ec@ptn-nntp-
[quoted text clipped - 22 lines]
> prepare. Turning one's face away from the future until dragged backwards
> by events is a pretty good recipe for despair.

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Guess Who - 02 Apr 2005 16:30 GMT

> , but I'm a nurse,and I deal with things with a lot of knowledge; about
> what the next hurdle will be.
> love,
> chris

I am also a nurse and breast cancer survivor which can be a difficult
combination. Some women with bone mets can live many years with a good
quality of life. It does sound like your family has been through alot
...Alex

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Pamela Cook - 02 Apr 2005 16:40 GMT

> thanks for your replys. There are very few people I can talk openly with
> about this. Most of my family are in denial.. Some people avoid them, I
[quoted text clipped - 6 lines]
> chris
> "

Hi Chris
Ramble all you like, if it helps even a little bit...I'm sure I
speak for all of us when I say we are all sending our thoughts and sympathy
to you all.....
pam xx

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Tim Jackson - 02 Apr 2005 17:32 GMT

> There are very few people I can talk openly with
> about this. Most of my family are in denial.. Some people avoid them, I
> think, because its like being near an ocean of pain, your gonna get wet too.

That's pretty much par for the course. Many people involved with a
cancer patient find this sort of social isolation. That's what we're
here for.

Signature

Tim Jackson

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C. Falise - 05 Apr 2005 07:41 GMT

thanks again tim-
i sent this to my partner todd.
he suffers alot with this...
-c.

> > Hi,
> > I'm new here. My beautiful sister-in-law, Laura, has breast cancer with bone
[quoted text clipped - 35 lines]
> everything, to be prepared to ask for help, and above all to make time
> for himself.

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C. Falise - 07 Apr 2005 02:32 GMT

> Hi,
> I'm new here. My beautiful sister-in-law, Laura, has breast cancer with bone
[quoted text clipped - 15 lines]
> love,
> chris

chris, your 'rambling' really helped me out alot these past few days-
i'm stage 4 bc w bone mets ( i had mets to other organs that have subsided
due to treatment thankfully) diag 10/03. my partner of several years (we're
basically married without the paper), todd is bipolar (manic depressive,
some call it), but more on the depressive side. he has really struggled so
much with all of this and we have been having big problems again lately.
he has not taken time for himself and he is avoiding dealing with his/our
reality as it is - he seems very angry and very depressed. i want to help
him, but he refuses my help and we argue alot. i asked him to read this
whole thread last night before he left on a trip out of town and to think
about it. he seemed to find it helpful also. we talked quite some bit and
hopefully we can go on together and find a way to work together, not against
each other.
so i wanted to thank you for saying some things that he apparently cannot
hear from me.
i'm so sorry to hear about your situation... sometimes it just seems like
all he--'s breaking loose, doesn't it?
this is a great group here. i haven't been in for some time until recently.
tim is always wise and he's been in your brother's shoes.
hang in there.
and thanks again.
-c.

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