Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.   As
my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the
holidays, hidden inside chocolates and eggnog as you warm us when
we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I
want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that
your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:  While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me
call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball
and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit
Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day
are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds
to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on
the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be
minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately.  I
will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on
your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Sincerely,

Your frien

~Kenny