Thirty years ago, I had a bad cough.  Charlie was in the Air Force, so while
it was no problem to see a doctor, I never saw the same doctor twice.  So
even with a solid history of severe childhood asthma, they treated me for
the cough.  I was drinking their "cough syrup" by the pint.  Finally one of
the doctors added something that was supposed to help asthma to this.  And
it helped a little.  It contained, I think ephedrine.  A stimulant in any
case.  With some prednisone thrown into the mix for fun.  Each time I saw
another doctor, they increased the dose on my medication.  By then there
were frequent 3 am visits to the ER with meds that sent me into tachycardia.
And by then I was steadily losing weight.  And irritable.  More like wired.
Couldn't eat, couldn't keep food down, losing weight till I was down to 100
lbs.

I screamed, and I yelled, and on occasion I threw things.  I'd wake him up
in the middle of the night to pick a fight just because I couldn't sleep and
was furious that he could.  This was over close to two years, and we hadn't
been married very long.  But Charlie went to work every morning and came
home from work every afternoon. Did his best to keep the house running and
to make sure our toddler wasn't too affected.

That was thirty years ago.  Were still married.  The grandchildren are
almost grown.  It isn't perfect, but I know he will handle whatever he needs
to and he will stay.  Same here.  I could hardly walk away from someone who
put up with so much from me.  It is very special to find someone who is
there no matter what.  But for the most part I believe people are made that
way or they aren't.  You can't really change who and what another person is.
Sure you can convince them of who they should be and what they should do.
But it only makes them feel worse about who they are, not change who they
are.

Jo

N,

You are going through so much right now.  I wish you well.  Please get
some support from somewhere in your community.  Just someone to talk to
will help you.

I went through this about six years ago.  My circumstances were a
little different.  It was a bad marriage anyway and I stayed in it for
25 yrs.  I will tell you two things.

I could not change who he was. Second, when the divorce was over and my
life settled down my health got much, much better.  Just not being
under the stress all the time made such a big difference.

I am again in a stressful living situation with my Dad and my health is
suffering.  I'm going to have to make some changes quickly.

I hope when things settle down for you that your health will get
better.  If you want to e-mail me privately please do.  Sometimes it
just helps to have someone to vent to.

debbie m

My opinion -- he is looking for an excuse. This is his
problem -- not yours. There are men that just can't be
mature enough to be a man and step up to the plate. It
is hard but it is his job to do it and he is failing.
It is not your fault even if he wants you to think it
is. One day he is going to discover he is not 'perfect'
anymore. But he will be alone and you will have moved on.
This is just my opinion. But of course I think it is
the right one.
Take care of yourself and your little one.
Duckie                                                                                        

Any relationship takes a lot of work and effort by all involved to make
it work. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it just doesn't work.

We each bring to a relationship ourselves, our histories, and, whether we
like it or not, our everyday experiences, even when they occur away from
the relationship.

Sometimes we get involved with a good person with whom we are not really
compatible, though this may not show up until later. I have twice been  
in a relationship with a good woman who had many of the same interests,
but with whom I should never have gotten involved in any way other than
as a casual friend.

To make things more difficult, few of us have ever been taught how to
deal with things. Many give up and try to run away. This does not
necessarily mean that they are "bad people", but that they are not able
to deal with the intricacies of real life.

Then the worrying, fretting and stewing about "what we did wrong" (maybe
nothing), "what we should have done or said" (again, maybe nothing
different from what we did), wears us out and makes any physical problems
worse.

The first thing to do is to learn that if we don't take care of
ourselves, we can't take care of anything else. The second thing is to
understand that holding anger inside is like drinking acid, it eats away
at us until we have nothing left.

Take care of yourself and your daughter and try not to paint your
daughter's father as a bad person. Children are smarter than they, or we,
realize. If he is a bad person, she will understand eventually (as long
as you reassure her when she asks that she is not at ANY fault). Trying
to turn her against him will only make things worse and hurt both of you.

I would advise counseling for both you and your daughter. Look for things
that both of you can enjoy, and spend time in simple pleasures. Learning
to laugh again will help deal with hardships and pain.

It's never as easy to do as it is to say, but it really does help.

N,

Comparing different marriages is a bit like comparing apples and oranges.  
Your marriage obviously has had a lot of other factors that complicated
things for both of you.  My mariage started off in a better situation, but I
will share how things are for us.

For starters, Mike was 43 and I was 31 when we met.  We'd both managed to
work out a lot of that "adult" stuff before meeting, which I think may have
made dealing with chronic illness easier.  Also, I'd had RA/PA for a couple
of years already when we met, so we knew we were dealing with that issue from
the very beginning.  And, in all honesty, part of why I wanted to marry him
was how he reacted to the limitations from my illness when we were dating.

The hardest part for him, I think, has been the strong desire to make things
all better for someone he loves so much.  He hates to see me in pain.  It's
taken a lot of time and work on both of our parts, but he has learned what
makes me feel better that he CAN do.  I finally convinced him that on a
really bad day, a big hug really does help, even though it seems like so
little to do.  And he has learned that helping around the house when I feel
lousy takes some of the housekeeping pressure off me AND allows me to rest
some.  He has learned that indirect action can help me feel better for a
while and he helps in that way as he can.  But he's had to accept that
helping me feel better is just as chronic as my illness is.

Additionally, the variability of the disease has taken a lot of adjustment.  
We've learned to live within a flexible lifestyle and it has somewhat become
second nature to us to know what activities take higher priority at any given
time.  I do what's most important on any day and we see what energy or pain
tolerance is left over for other things.  AND somedays the most important
thing is us doing something fun together.  We value just being with each
other a lot and having fun with each other from time to time is important to
us.

His understanding of the choices my illness forces on me has taken effort
from both of us over the years.  I've explained to him over the years that if
I do A today, I don't know when I'll be recovered enough to do B.  He has
watched the truth of this.  The payoff has been having him understand that I
am thinking through what is most important and if he wants me to do something
I don't think is high priority, he now understands that he may have to do
some of the stuff I then don't have energy for.  (awkward sentence, I hope it
makes sense!)

I suggest talking to your doctor about your sleep issues.  There are a
variety of meds that may help, ranging from sleep meds to anti-depressants
(yes, they really do help some with sleep and even a bit with pain).  Getting
more and better sleep is really important for dealing with all that you have
going on right now.