I don't have a job right now so I don't know how I could afford it. I
really do wish I could make it. DJ and I are trying to figure something
out with my finances (like how I'm going to pay bills next month) so
keep your fingers crossed and prayers coming.

Mmmmm. Dark chocolate. You are seriously tempting me. :P

-Ashley

=========
~~AC.

You cry all you want to. Just glad to be here or there
for you. I've been listening to the River Mix MaryZ
sent me. It is playing in my car all the time. First
the Gimpfest and then the River. It will be a full June.
So did you say you were bringing chocolate???
Duckie

Being grown up sure isn't anything like we thought it would be is it?
Other than really great and rewarding.

Now I wonder how old I was when I finally realized that the feeling of being
"in control" I was looking forward to was never going to happen, and it
wasn't happening much for anybody else either.

The up side is everything isn't all our fault either.  That part is kind of
a relief.

Jo

hey, sweetie, you are not alone in that boat.  i'm pretty sure you already
know that.  i think most of us thought life was gonna work out the way you
thought it would work.  i know i did.   and sometimes, i still do cuz i'm
kind of a bit cocky at times and i still have a bit left of an
innocent/naive streak that i try hard to hide (cuz i'm 57 years old, for
pete's sake!).   and i really do still leave the bathroom light on, and you
know what?  that's ok.  hear me?  that's ok.

yeah.  you're right.  it definitely is a crappy monster, kelly.  is it that
nothing has been "right, since" or that nothing has been "the same," since?
big difference, hon.  "right" doesn't have to be "the same" and change can
be very challenging to all our levels of awareness, even though it might be
what's right for us, even though we cannot necessarily know that immediately
and when we most feel the need to know that.

you know, butch was truly my very best friend, and of course my lover,
husband, helpmate, a fiercely independent man with incredible depth and
breadth, wisdom, compassion and people sense and what a delightful sense of
humor he possessed.   but there came a time when he let go of almost all
that he was and became childlike, vulnerable, needy and dependent for his
last few months---i want you to know that i don't mean that as insulting to
him in any way at all, as it was simply part of the stresses of his
recognizing his decline and of his dying process.

do you know what the toughest thing was, that i had to deal with, when butch
was so ill and dying?  it was facing the HUGE monster of my own need to not
make any mistakes, to be perfect, to be totally conscious of details (all
the nuanced details of how he was doing, feeling and so on), being on top of
everything, anticipating everything i could think of that "might or might
not" happen to him, trying so hard not to leave anything
overlooked/unnoticed, trying too hard, too hard to be everything "i thought"
he needed and wanted me to be for him, because he was depending on me  (he
told me he was depending on me and thanked me for letting him)---the
enormously crushing pressure i put upon myself was the biggest monster i've
ever had to face.

part of that monster was that i never felt adequate to the task, never felt
i ever "got there" (got a handle on it all nor on all of his needs), wasn't
confident, was definitely afraid that i wasn't good enough, wasn't smart
enough, wasn't doing enough nor doing things right or correctly.

and the monster got bigger and bigger with each of his new medical
complications, with each episode and trip to ER and each new indication that
he wasn't getting better, which to me meant i wasn't making anything better,
and that i was losing ground as he lost ground, and that i was failing him.
so, guilt was obviously part of that monster.

kelly, sweetie, it is impossible for any one person "to have it all
together, to be on top of all of it" and "to keep it all together", all of
the time and indefinitely, no matter how great the need is nor how much the
other person depends upon us and needs us (even hospitals have teams that
work together on individual cases).    that is such a difficult thing to
accept, when it is your child or somebody you love who is vulnerably
childlike.  it's especially hard when the voice in our head keeps telling us
there's more, more we can do, more we can know, more we can understand, more
we can work on or organize or prioritize, more we can be alert to, more we
can anticipate, more, more . . .
but, hon, sometimes, we just absolutely must trust that we've done the best
we could do, in that moment-----with the tools that we have, with what we
know, with what that particular moment gives us to deal with----and that's
what kills the monster.  trust.

i was blest in that alex was a pretty healthy kid growing up.  but, i knew
from the beginning (because i observed and read a lot) that there would
always be moments, (even with healthy kids), when i'd second guess myself,
feel a little guilty, inadequate and some of the rest of it.  and i knew
from the beginning, that i had to learn to trust myself and my instincts.
honestly, i thought i did ok, maybe not great, but ok with that, with alex.
but, i never, EVER, saw it coming with butch and truthfully, i was slammed
and blindsided by it all.  so, i can only imagine what you must be feeling,
kelly.  ((((((((((((((just because hugs))))))))))))

kate

I think we all felt that way as kids, Kelly.  And the older we get, the more
we realize how deluded we were.  LOL  What really amazes me is how the adults
around us seemed so confident and knowledgable to us when we were kids when
we know realize how much they still didn't know.  I guess it's not so much
that we know it all as we get older but rather that we just know better about
how to navigate it all.

and we so want to have all the answers for those we love ........