RED SKELTON'S -TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
  little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes
  on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and
  mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her
  way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
  "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.  So I
  suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
  bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no
  place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there
  was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was;
  she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then
  the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
  for the garbage?" The driver answered, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name
   was "Always"s.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like
   to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked
   "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it....this
is the good old days when humor didn't have to start
with a four letter word...just clean and simple fun

At a live appearance, he said, "When you're in your 20's
and a girl smiles at you, it's because you're young, virile
and handsome.  When you're in your 50's and a girl smiles
at you, it's because you are distinguished.  When you're in
your 70's and a girl smiles at you, it's because you forgot
to zipper up your pants again." <G>

And who can forget "Gertrude and Heathcliffe," the 2 seagulls?

Gertrude says to Heathcliffe, "Look down there, it's the US
capitol!"

"Yeah? Well here's one on the House."

... Tonight's forecast is dark....tapering off to early light.