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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Arthritis / January 2005tonight
i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and noticed that tomorrow's the spinal emg/cnv stuff. i've been doing such a good job of forgetting about it, pretending there's nothing to think about or do. so good a job, i even forgot to call and ask if i could take something before the studies. i just didn't want to think about it, at all, or think about what it might ultimately mean. so, i didn't. and then there are 7 more days, after tomrrow, until i find out about the results of the nerve studies. i hate the way the medical profession does this unnecessary waiting game/head trip on people. i'd rather have the results first, so i can figure out what i want to ask about them, before i see the doctor about them. so, i'll get there a week from tomorrow and won't have anything to say or ask. i can only ask questions about things that i already know a little about. weepy, shitty, dark place. kate This is a private little club and I'm sorry you need to join. I over do the denial so much that I have a rule against making appointments on Monday's. I "forget" about too many of them. Nowadays I can't even call and make my own apology/excuses. Charlie has to call for me. Which is also not fun. Try to get who ever does the nerve studies to talk to you about it while they do it. I've had mine done by a neurologist and at least he didn't have to follow the "I can't talk to you about it, the doctor will get my report" crap that other's have to follow. If you can get some what are you doing and why discussion going, it might help to keep you focused away from the discomfort and give you some direction for next week. Can you take something that will let you sleep and get a friend to give you a wake up call tomorrow so you can go hide out for another 8 to 10 hours? I would. Jo > i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy > place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > weepy, shitty, dark place. > kate > This is a private little club and I'm sorry you need to join. I over do > the denial so much that I have a rule against making appointments on [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > Jo it's still amazing to me, jo, how i can do this denial thing so well to myself. i mean, i was fully aware of vickie's and pic's surgeries tomorrow. a neurologist is doing the nerve studies. he's part of the same group of neurologists, so i wonder if he'll tell me anything. i hope he does. i wish i_could_ sleep, kid--- more than 3 hours, i mean. my bod just wants to "party" at night like it does during the day. pain pills or valium (i use for a muscle relaxant) don't get me past that. then i just lay there and wait until it's time to take another, then wait for that to work. i can't remember the last time i slept through the night, it's been that long ago. i've had a headache for the past couple of days---- probably because of broken sleep, or more likely because i could fool my thinking about this appointment, but not the rest of me. ach, well, at least i'm not as soggy, for now.<smile> <---see? kate >> i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy >> place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] >> weepy, shitty, dark place. >> kate {{{{{{{{{{{{Kate}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Duckie > i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy > place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and noticed [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > weepy, shitty, dark place. > kate  Signature_('> (_<_) _ _('< -quack (_<_) _ __('< *QUACK!* <_{__) _('< "|,,|_" (_<_) _('< "AFLAC!" (_<_) > {{{{{{{{{{{{Kate}}}}}}}}}}}}}} > Duckie thanks, sweetness. i'll take all the hugs i can get. kate >> i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy >> place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] >> weepy, shitty, dark place. >> kate Kate my love--You are, as always in my thoughts and prayers. And if you concentrate really hard, you will be able to feel me holding onto your hand. I am right there with you. Sending hugs and prayers. Affectionately, Char ((((((Kate)))))) I can only imagine how anxious you must feel. I can tell you after having had 2 nerve conduction/EMG tests done myself, that the neurlogists did talk to me while I was having them done. In fact, they were the only tests that I was able to get information from immediately. I left both times knowing what the results were. I know what your saying about the waiting game though. It's such a nerve wracking time.....to wait til you find out what is going on or needs to be done. Hang in there!! And know that you are in our prayers and many people are thinking of you and hoping that whatever you do find out has the least invasive treatment. Hugs, Carol > ((((((Kate)))))) I can only imagine how anxious you must feel. I > can tell you after having had 2 nerve conduction/EMG tests done [quoted text clipped - 10 lines] > Hugs, > Carol thank you, carol. i hope so, but i also think i must be afraid of the answers. i guess i didn't want to think about the test results/outcome i really wanted. (a miraculous healing overnight, of course.<smile>) i honestly don't want anybody invasively messing with my spine. think i was burnt out on surgeries years ago. major surgeries, i mean, where major things generally go wrong for me and i wind up feeling like i've lost yet another piece of myself. whoa, gees, i wish i hadn't remembered that. really am bummed out more than i thought. sorry, kid. guess i just need to get it outside me. thanks for allowing me to do that. kate > thank you, carol. i hope so, but i also think i must be afraid of the > answers. i guess i didn't want to think about the test results/outcome i > really wanted. (a miraculous healing overnight, of course.<smile>) i > honestly don't want anybody invasively messing with my spine. think i was > burnt out on surgeries years ago. whatever the results are, Kate, you don't have to make the decision right away. Remember that. you can take you time and research stuff and talk to others (like Ida, etc.) and give yourself time to get your head around it. All you have to deal with now is accepting whatever the results are. One step at a time. Dealing with what to do can come later. And if it is surgery, you can look around and find a surgeon you are comfortable with. This has been going on a long time so you don't have to decide on treatment immediately if you aren't ready to do so. One step at a time, girl, one step at a time. SignatureNann remove the Gator cheer to email me Simply the thing I am shall make me live --- William Shakespeare Nann has some very good advise Kate.... thinking of you today janice |> thank you, carol. i hope so, but i also think i must be afraid of the | > answers. i guess i didn't want to think about the test results/outcome i [quoted text clipped - 12 lines] | | One step at a time, girl, one step at a time. Kate, imagine you had a morning appointment so you may be finished by now. Hope things went real well for you and that you know something of the results. Please know that you are regularly in my prayers. Gwen > > ((((((Kate)))))) I can only imagine how anxious you must feel. I > > can tell you after having had 2 nerve conduction/EMG tests done [quoted text clipped - 22 lines] > > kate {{{{{{{Kate}}}}}}.....saying lots of small frequent prayers for you. Janet R : i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy : place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and noticed [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] : weepy, shitty, dark place. : kate ::lights a candle so it's not so dark in here:: Love ya Kate. Prayers that things go well tomorrow. Kimmy sorry i got your message so late. you probably won't see this until after your studies, but know that i'll be sending you lots of soft gentle positive vibes tomorrow. i hate to think of our dear kate weepy and sad. it will be over soon and maybe you'll be able to get some answers sooner than you think. we'll be with you in spirit, diane (((((Kate))))) Prayers, good thoughts and lots of hugs, Janet N. > sorry i got your message so late. you probably won't see this until > after your studies, but know that i'll be sending you lots of soft [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > > diane no. you weren't late, hon. i'm probably going to be up all night anyway. what loving thoughts you've expressed. thank you. i must be just very weepy this evening. feeling sorry for myself, feeling vulnerable. paying interest on a loan i haven't signed up for yet. you know my routine.<smile> i keep wondering, all night, if i did this to myself, diane, to my spine; gave myself arthritis, because i didn't stay confined to the lace and ruffle boundaries. small-boned (bird-boned, my dad use to say i was), short, maybe just too much my mother's wild child, just too bored with the feminine socialization process that were comfortable for my mom and sisters. but something in me really enjoyed the strenuous physical challenges that were not the acceptable feminine things to do (though i could do those, too). at the time, it felt like i had the best of both worlds, though. and truthfully, i think i did. even butch tried to slow his "hurricane katie" down. but, am i wrong in thinking that arthritis is just too high a price to pay for being yourself? maybe i've got to play accountant and do a mental balance sheet on this---accounts receivable vs. accounts payable. and then i'd have to ask myself what would i have given up experiencing? and i have to laugh, because i would honestly say, "none of it"; and i'd have wanted to try doing more. and i still do want to---you should see my list.LOL go figure. no wonder butch used to say i made him dizzy.LOL sigh . . . well, i guess i just have to pay this particular bill and see what's left over to splurge on something else. it's a good thing that there's a whole world of choices out there, lots of interests and adventures to delve into, in microcosm and macrocosm, or i'd be bored to death by all the insinuative physical limitations. i'm sorry, i just need to ramble/process tonight. don't mean to bore you guys with it. but it helps me to do it. kate Kate...we are all holding your hand in spirit today. You did the right thing...you enjoyed life when you could. If you had waited think of all you would have missed. More prayers! Janet R : no. you weren't late, hon. i'm probably going to be up all night anyway. : what loving thoughts you've expressed. thank you. i must be just very [quoted text clipped - 28 lines] : guys with it. but it helps me to do it. : kate > ::lights a candle so it's not so dark in here:: > Love ya Kate. Prayers that things go well tomorrow. > > Kimmy ohhhh, trickling, that was too sweet for me not to boo hoo over, kimmy. thank you. kate > {{{{{{{Kate}}}}}}.....saying lots of small frequent prayers for you. > > Janet R thank you, janet. i appreciate them and you. kate > : i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very > crappy [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > : weepy, shitty, dark place. > : kate (((((Kate)))) Just wanted to let you know I'm sending prayers and soothing thoughts your way. Hope things are bearable for you real soon. That waiting is the worst. Hang in there........Pic > {{{{{{{Kate}}}}}}.....saying lots of small frequent prayers for you. > [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] > : weepy, shitty, dark place. > : kate > (((((Kate)))) Just wanted to let you know I'm sending prayers and > soothing thoughts your way. Hope things are bearable for you real soon. > That waiting is the worst. Hang in there........Pic thank you, pic. i guess, one way or the other, they'll get it figured out and tell me. then i get to walk around in a daze foe awhile, until it sinks in. i'm just that ol' big whiney baby. you remember, from the gimpfest, doncha? i just remembered your adorable toesocks, of all things.LOL kate >> {{{{{{{Kate}}}}}}.....saying lots of small frequent prayers for you. >> [quoted text clipped - 30 lines] >> : weepy, shitty, dark place. >> : kate > i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy > place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > weepy, shitty, dark place. > kate Sending hugs and warmth. Love - Adelle >> i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy >> place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > Sending hugs and warmth. Love - Adelle thank you, adelle. hugs and warmth are goodness tonight. kate ((((((((((((((Kate)))))))))))))))) Is there any way you can get the results earlier so you can have some questions prepared? debbie m. http://www.angelfire.com/ga2/angels1/ > i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy > place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and noticed [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > weepy, shitty, dark place. > kate ((((((((((Kate)))))))))))) Remember, first of all, they are YOUR results. You are well within your rights in requesting a copy of your results now. Now when I had my EMG for my carpal tunnel 15 years ago, the neuro not only explained the results, he also gave me my own copy before I left the office. Don't know about your neuro, but I bet there's a good chance you can get some info before you leave. Heck, the test will take a while, which gives you a chance to chat a bit and explain how having the results ahead of time helps you talk more effectively with the doctor. You'll be ok, I'm sending the prayers and vibes to make sure of it. SignatureNann remove the Gator cheer to email me Simply the thing I am shall make me live --- William Shakespeare (((kate))) I wish I could be there to hold your hand and give you a shoulder to cry on. And try not to regret the choices you've made in the past. They're part of what makes you you, and that's pretty special. I know when I get in the head space that makes me say, "Why didn't I appreciate my body before it was disease-free? Why didn't I use it more then and try harder to keep it healthy?" I always try to tell myself to make the most of what I've got now. And now I appreciate all the moments, including the flares, because it makes flare-free days that much sweeter. Take care of you and remember we're all here for you. SignatureRebecca Ford Kate, Have been thinking of you alot. You have been in my heart, thoughts and prayers alot lately. I hope things are going better for you. Have you heard anything yet on how the spinal emg/cnv stuff went. Please let us know when you find out what is going on. SignatureLove and hugs to all Good thoughts coming your way too. Squirrely Jo > i'm not in a good place tonight, you guys. i'm in a very, very crappy > place, in my head. i turned my desk calendar page to next week and noticed [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > weepy, shitty, dark place. > kate |
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