Bruce, I can certainly understand how you feel.  At one point my wife and I were caring for both my mother and my mother-in-law at the same time.  My Mom had a great deal of guilt about my illnesses, blaming herself some how, but she always expected me to be able to do what she needed when she needed it.  She never said she was angry, but she knew how to play the guilt trip like a pro.  How I managed to get through graduate school in that situation I'll never know.

What I learned during those difficult years is as follows, and I know that it is easier said than done.

First, nobody can make you feel bad unless you let them.  Simply refuse to accept the guilt.  I even had to say to Mom on occasion, "I'm not accepting the guilt today Mom, so don't even bother."

Second, There are other people who can help.  Even if she doesn't have Long-term Care insurance (and everyone should!!!), there are community agencies that can help.  Your Mom will fight it, but *making sure* her needs are met IS the same as meeting them yourself.

Finally, sometimes the worst thing you can do for a person is do too much for them.  There is such a thing as learned helplessness.  It is very difficult to parent a parent, but that's what it comes down to.  You wouldn't do everything your kids wanted, so why would you do things your Mom could do for herself but just wants you to do for her?

You matter Bruce.  So do the others in your life.  You have to maintain your own health, physical, spiritual, and financial, before you can help anyone else.

Good luck my friend.  Write any time.

Walt Hanks

 You know all my life I've been taught to "honour" my parents. I was a nasty little ingrate as a child but in later years treated my parents with respect.  In many ways though, I am my mother's son. She bellows commands, is critical and can never relent in an argument   It's all well and good when your healthy.

 She is in her early seventy's I'm in my mid forties.  When she needs or wants something done I do my best to be accommodating. If my answer is no or yes but not today and I use being ill as a reason, see starts the I'm older than you and do more than you.  On any given day that may be true but dealing with so many illnesses esp. ones that leave you with barely enough energy to wipe your a.s let alone cross the hall to get to the washroom.  I really hate wasting the energy to play the game I'm sicker than you; and in the end being totally exhausted and left somehow guilty...and were not Jewish (my friend Jacob's mom has the corner on guilt). Help!!

 You know all my life I've been taught to "honour" my parents. I was a
nasty little ingrate as a child but in later years treated my parents with
respect.  In many ways though, I am my mother's son. She bellows commands,
is critical and can never relent in an argument   It's all well and good
when your healthy.

 She is in her early seventy's I'm in my mid forties.  When she needs or
wants something done I do my best to be accommodating. If my answer is no or
yes but not today and I use being ill as a reason, see starts the I'm older
than you and do more than you.  On any given day that may be true but
dealing with so many illnesses esp. ones that leave you with barely enough
energy to wipe your a.s let alone cross the hall to get to the washroom.  I
really hate wasting the energy to play the game I'm sicker than you; and in
the end being totally exhausted and left somehow guilty...and were not
Jewish (my friend Jacob's mom has the corner on guilt). Help!!

 bummer guy!

 it's absolutely ok to say, "no"  or even, "yes, but later" whenever you
need to.  tell yourself you refuse to play the game, bruce.  figure out what
triggers the game and side step the trigger.  if the trigger is your reason,
"i'm too sick", then don't give that reason.  don't lie, but "i'm
unavailable" is a reason.  you don't have to explain any more than that.  if
she insists you do explain, just say, "i'll fill you in about it, in a few
days."  then, if she remembers in a few days to ask you about it, divert her
attention to something else--new dress?  new hairdo?  what color or pattern
is the fabric in those curtains?  who's the new neighbor? or whatever is
appropriate..

 because she's getting up there in years, it may or may not be  the case
that she's frightened by your being sick and is masking it with her anger.
if that's the case, you don't have to feel guilty about that, bruce.  you
cannot control her emotions, only your own.  just be gentle about hers  and
yours and try not to push that  button of hers.  yes, i know, some people
really can be very controlling and can be very nasty, but even that is
fear-based.

 my folks are in their 80s and it was hard having to say "no" to them, when
butch was so ill and even now, sometimes.  but they learned that i don't
have to say "yes" as much as i used to.   if it's an emergency and i can't
handle it, i call one of my sisters or brothers-in-law.  i even called 911,
twice in one night---once for my folks and once for butch.

 what i'm saying is if it's an emergency situation, bruce, like your mom's
plumbing overflows or something,  try to come up with or "pre-arrange"
alternative help for her---like a neighbor or a friend that can step in to
help, when you cannot.

 btw, jewish moms do not have the corner on guilt, at all, bruce, never
had.  my german grandmother and great-grandfather were extremely good at it
and the puerto rican side of the family is still good at it too.   that's
one lutheran, one presbyterian and several catholics in one family.  that
jewish mother/guilt thing is a worn out stereotype, from a bygone era, that
never was true in any general sense.

 hope i helped a little.

 kate

You're not alone Bruce.  In November my dad was hanging blinds for me.  I was helping him by holding one end of the blinds and finally told him that I just couldn't hold on any longer because my arm was killing me....now this was my arm that I ended up having surgery on last week.  His comment to me was..."You think your arm is bad, you oughta be me with this bursitis in my shoulder."  GRRRRRR!!!  My mom and I both have RA.   We both get so aggravated at times with my dad who is healthy as can be, yet will run to the doctor for an hangnail....and will minimize our stuff.

I think some people have a hard time empathizing with others.  It's so hard for them to see past themselves.
I wish I had some answers for you, but unfortunately I get irritated with my own family at times.  The only thing I can tell you is to turn a deaf ear to it as much as you can.  Maybe putting your hands over your ears and humming!!  LOL  

Seriously, I think Walt's suggestions are wonderful!

Carol
 You know all my life I've been taught to "honour" my parents. I was a nasty little ingrate as a child but in later years treated my parents with respect.  In many ways though, I am my mother's son. She bellows commands, is critical and can never relent in an argument   It's all well and good when your healthy.

 She is in her early seventy's I'm in my mid forties.  When she needs or wants something done I do my best to be accommodating. If my answer is no or yes but not today and I use being ill as a reason, see starts the I'm older than you and do more than you.  On any given day that may be true but dealing with so many illnesses esp. ones that leave you with barely enough energy to wipe your a.s let alone cross the hall to get to the washroom.  I really hate wasting the energy to play the game I'm sicker than you; and in the end being totally exhausted and left somehow guilty...and were not Jewish (my friend Jacob's mom has the corner on guilt). Help!!