***i'm not offended in the least, kelly.  thank you, in fact.

i'm not sure if the word agitation applies, though it definitely does before
an appointment.  during an appmt., on the otherhand, if a doctor is too
aggressively one-sided/dictatorial, or just won't listen, i tend to simply
just clam-up (if that's what you mean by vapor lock) give-up trying to
communicate anything.  i know it just exhausts me to keep trying, except for
when it was butch's dilemma, because i knew he was counting on me to
advocate for him.  so, i fought like a hellfire bitch, which literally wore
me out, but asa helped a lot.   for myself, a lot depends on my patience and
tolerance levels that day, though.

honestly and truthfully, most (if not all) of my local friendships fell by
the wayside when butch first had his heart attack and his subsequent
survival battle---i read (after butch died) that that's not unusual, in that
many people find it too painful and difficult to be with others who are very
ill or dying.   even our family members (on both sides) were very rare in
their appearances, for the same reasons.  butch was their hero and it was
too hard for them to see him suffer.  they've at least told me that, instead
of pretending we no longer existed.  personally, i can be crass and call it
a bit chickenshit, but by the same token, i understood and accepted it was
painful for friends and family, too.

that kind of/sort of abandonment (for want of another more suitable word)
was actually partly why i sought out asa for some kind of support base, when
my arthritis flared up so badly (which was probably stress related).  even
butch's sister didn't come on board until just a few days before he died,
when i came down with double pneumonia and butch called her to get me to a
doctor (fever was high and i was out of it).  i give her a lot of credit for
being there for me then and after he died, though i tried real hard not to
impose or ask for anything.  it was nice to have her around, but she's since
moved to nevada this past early fall.  and i give you guys on asa a lot of
credit for being so wonderfully supportive of a perfect stranger.  you guys
are literally life savers and sanity savers!

truthfully, since butch passed away i've done the withdrawing from people,
rather than try to reach out to past local relationships.   it's just too
hard for me and i can't seem to relate to them anymore.  dunno why, exactly.
might be a knee-jerk reaction on my part, of not wanting to be disappointed
or hurt or something similar; or maybe, there's some anger i haven't gotten
over; or maybe, i'm still just too tired to put much energy into helping to
mend relationships where people feel guilty.  i told some there's nothing to
feel guilty about, but somehow it feels like they want more from me than
that, and i just don't have the energy or mindshare to figure out what and
do it.  maybe, it's just easier to withdraw than struggle with it.

i think the entire doctor thing (for myself, this time) just makes me feel
vulnerable all over again, as well as overwhelmed at times.  i was certainly
overwhelmed with butch's ordeal, as was our son.  and for sure, i felt
vulnerable after my car wreck, at the mercy of soooo many medical judgment
errors that i was virtually forced to accept.  patients didn't get to have
much input nor information back then ('71-'74) and if you were 23, but
looked like 14, it didn't help.  heck, i'm almost sure i was labeled some
kind of psycho-case when i did balk (or throw a royal hissy fit) at an
obvious error before it was acted upon, but it was generally acted upon at
my expense anyhow.  no apologies were offered, just embarrassed laughter,
when i was proved to be correct in my instincts.  might be whole lot of
overlapping trust issues going on with me and doctors, i think.

geesh, i hope this all doesn't sound like this is one huge self-pity trip
i'm on.  i think i just needed to get some of this outside of myself.
maybe.  i'll quit now.

kate

i don't think it's an alarming statement,  but owies!  it does sound
painful.   and yeah, it sounds like it was a vicious cycle.  poor you, jo.
doesn't sound like it was much fun for you, at all.  sounds lousy.  how did
they figure that out for you?  or maybe it was because of your asthma that
it was further looked into?

my choking thing is weird, probably once a week--- like i swallow something
wrong, mostly when i'm not eating a thing, but it has and does happen with
food or beverages sometimes.  and i ALWAYS wind up in sneezing fits,
immediately following the choking.  butch teased me about that cough/sneeze
thing for years, cuz it really is kind of weirdly funny.  always made me
laugh, too, cuz sneeze never failed to follow choke.  seemed silly to bother
a doctor with that.  seems like a spasm to me, but why i sneeze with it is
beyond me.

the rest of my coughing is generally post sinusy throaty (eeeyuccccck, how
do you say that without it being so graphic?)  but my doctor called it
chronic bronchitis, probably because it is chronic.

kate