Hi Dorothy

I was 38 when my arthritis started, and was very down for a couple of years
until I got a definitive diagnosis.  I think it would differ from person to
person how they deal with it, but it was my dad's decline and death with a
brain tumour at 67 which bucked me out of things I think.  Looking back,
that is when I realised that far worse things can happen - I was by then on
a decent treatment which helped control things, and now 8 years down the
line and two knee replacements later, I'm quite content.

Obviously I'd rather not have pain and limitations, but on the whole life is
okay.

I hope your friend finds some answers soon.

Jayne

Hi Dorothy,,,,,   First let me say what a good friend you are for your
friend. Many of us wish we had someone like you in our life at the time when
the Rheumatoid was brought into our life.   I had it for 6-7 years before
and Rheumatologist made me face was to be for me for the rest of my life at
the age of 45.   I am 69 now and can still do and go and be,,,, in my life
today.
    It is going to take a little time for your friend to work through
adjusting to the changes in her life but don't we do that all the time is
some form or fashion and I think you may find that your friend is tougher
than you think and the will to live a good usable life doing the things we
want to do IS a very dooooable thing with todays medicines and the
understandings that a good RD has to make these things happen.
     We are here for you and your friend every step of living through this
and doing the best she can to be as normal as she can be.  I hope there is a
way you can have her take part here where sooo many people can talk about
medicines, doctors, side effects, people, life, and on and on but we can
still do this through you if that is what you want.  Tomorrow is going to be
better.

Harv

Her reaction is perfectly normal.  The notion that it could be, could have
been worse is really meaningless to her right now.

It is very much like the stages of grief when you get a diagnosis of
potentially limiting medical conditions.  Takes time to take it in and
learn to get on with getting on.

I doubt there is anyone here that doesn't still have bouts of 'why me' or
'life sucks'

Best thing is to listen as much as you are able and let her work it out.

Consolation really isn't something she can get from someone else.

Jo

Dorothy (that was my mother's name, too), I have had this mess for over 12
years and I still have days when I am so depressed I just want to sit and
cry. Allow her the pity party but don't tip toe around her. Still ask her to
join you for things and let her decide whether she wants to or not. Give her
a little grieving time then shake her out of it by your friendship.

Let us know how she is from time to time. We'll keep the light on for you.

DeeTee

Hi Dorothy,

If your friend could/would be so bold as to email me, I will try to help.
Been there, done that, still working on it. Public forum is ok and can be
done if she cares to do that.
GaryZ

OK, I finally got a day where my hands will let me weigh in.  In my case, I
was first slammed by my inflammatory arthritis (species: psoriatic) at the
age of 28, 22 years ago.  I actually had several advantages in adjusting to
it - 1) I'd had chronic allergies since grade school so taking medication all
the time was not a new experience for me, 2) I'm the youngest of a nuclear
family with a host of chronic illnesses and had watched others deal with them
matter-of-factly for years, 3) Daddy had RA, back when the treatment options
were fewer - and so had his mom - and both found ways to do all they could
for as long as they could and 4) i'd had "spells" since high school that had
told me this day was coming.  All that said - I still had to really struggle
with the adjustment.  I still remember grieving over my fingers changing
shape as folks had long complimented on lovely hands.  (despite nails
brutalized by gardening and other such hobbies, LOL)  So, it's definitely
normal, even when you are prepared for this to happen.

The big thing to look out for is how long this depression lasts.  If it
doesn't lift over time - time to adjust and time to see how much modern meds
can help - then you might want to intervene with her doc.  But do give her
some time to adjust, which I already gather you've been reassured to do.  
Heck, i wasn't sure any fellow would want to take on someone with my known
illness but have been joyfully married for 17 years to a fellow who said 'but
you're emotionally healthy - physical disability I can handle!"

Right now, it sounds like you are providing her the most important thing out
there - a caring, understanding & supportive friend.  There is absolutely
nothing like having someone you can trust with your fears and your pain and
who still encourages you to do all you reasonably can - and even stuff you
shouldn't do but have decided you want so much the aftermath will be worth
it.
Oh, and you didn't mention how much pain she is currently in, but that might
be contributing to her depression.  Getting the physical pain under control
makes a big difference in the depression.  Since she's been dealing with this
for over a year already, the pain may have really worn her down mentally,
even more so if it's been interfering with her sleep.  That should improve as
they get things under control.