Irish Smiles

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years,
but he will kill any man who does.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's
very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among
themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty."
"That's great!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the
vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the
morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home .
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an
ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your
wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life
and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights
of theirs?
--------------------------------------------------------------------