Becky,

You don't know me very well, so I hope this won't seem too presumptuous, but
after witnessing my husband and his mom when my Father in Law passed, I have
very strong feelings on this matter.

One of the greatest lessons you can still teach your sons is: How to grieve.
How to experience the process. How to experience feelings, both joyful and
painful. That if they face painful things with honesty, the process of
living through it will make them stronger, and more compassionate. By
suppressing your tears of grief, you are cheating yourself and them from the
full spectrum of what it means to be a human being.

My MIL kept trying to shield my husband from painful moments, telling him he
didn't have to stay in the hospital room if he didn't want to, etc. And then
I realized why, at 40, my husband had trouble facing tough moments in our
marriage. He didn't have much prior experience with having to endure the
painful; he'd never had to stay in the moment, just feel it and keep on
going.

Losing one of the most important people in your life is painful. It's OK to
just sit there and let it hurt for a while. That doesn't mean you never pull
yourself together and go do what you have to. It just means saying, "yes,
this hurts. I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel guilty. I am a ball of
feelings." And then, after a cry, you go live. And it will overcome you
again another day. It's just part of the process. Over time, the times of
overwhelming grief will occur less frequently. You don't just get on with
it. We aren't wired that way. Let yourself feel your grief.

One thing I saw with other people who have lost spouses is - go to peers. If
you don't have a circle of friends who are supportive and have other people
in it who are widows, then go to a support group. While your sons will
understand you missing their dad, most children, even as adults, have
trouble with the part of your grief that's about missing your life partner
and lover. The really deep missing, of a look, a moment shared, etc. For
that you really need peers. (again, saw that in the difference between my
mom and my MIL. Only this time, my MIL had the better network).  It's so you
can be honest with your feelings and have them honored and respected without
having the additional layer of worrying about how your kids are handling
what you are doing and saying.

And you can still talk to your husband. Tell him all the things you want to.
No he can't answer you. But no one is ever guaranteed that.

When my dad first got sick, I tried to do the "tell him what you need him to
hear, " thing, about being a good dad and all that. I know he heard me. But
he was not in an emotional place where he could accept it and answer. It was
like talking to a cardboard cut out. Eventually I realized that all that
mattered was that I said it. So go ahead and say it. It's not too late. It's
never too late.

Sending you hugs,

Adelle

((((((((((((((((((becky)))))))))))))))))))  angela is right.  grief/the
grieving process is a very individualized experience.  it takes as long as
it takes, and not one minute more or less.  trust yourself, becky; trust
your gentle, nurturing inner-voice to guide you--and you'll do exactly what
you need to do, what is right for you and your healing process, to help
yourself through these difficult times, hon.

for my son and me, wordless, comforting hugs were and still are healing and
the healing/comforting energy goes both ways and shares a lot.  for some,
exchanging loving smiles will do the same thing; for others, patted hands,
and for others sharing tears . . .etc.  there are no set rules chiseled in
stone for sharing grief, sweetie.

just feel what you feel and trust what your gentle inner-voice guides you to
do, becky.

keeping you and your family in my healing thoughts.
kate

Angela,
Thank you for your kind words, I have great family here, but I don't share
much with them, I hate to make them worry about me or feel sad.  I have 2
grown boys who have been wonderful, but I don't cry easy in front of people,
they both have cried my older one more my younger one is more like me, he
says he hates to see me sad, so I try to manage and make sure they are okay.
I have always been a person who wants to take care of everyone and really
doesn't think about me.
Thank you for the prayers I am thankful for those.
Becky

Becky, a beautiful poem.
Gwen

Great.  It's not too late to tell him the things you wished you told
him when he was alive.  Just don't hold it in.
Thumper

Thank you Diane
Becky