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Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Arthritis / September 2006Rant(long) Sorry
I work 4 days a week at as a housekeeper in a bingo hall. I call my DH once a night to see how my kids are doing. Last night when I call I get an earful about how its my fault that we never got our stuff out of his grandmothers basement and how its my fault that I have the RA. He complained that I never do anything that involves lifting heavy objects or standing for long periods of time. My doctor as told me repeatly, not to lift over 10lbs, not to stand for more then 15 mins at a time and to not over due myself at this point since I am early in starting the proper medications to reduce the effects that RA causes. He will not go to a doc appt with me and I believe that he is in complete denial that anything is wrong with me. I continue to have daily arguements with him when there is something in the house I can't do and need him to do. I don't think I'm asking him to do much. Occassionally the dishes, Laundry (I can't get down the basement steps any longer) and to take out the trash. Ocassionally I ask him to clean out the litter box. I understand he is working 12 to 15 hours a day sometimes more but I need him to understand what is wrong with me and not be in denial that something is truly wrong with me. My hands hurt constantly meaning that the RA is more in my hands then anywhere else. I love him dearly but with 2 young children it makes it difficult for me and he just doesn't seem to understand. I asked him 1 day last week to help me fill out some papers I can no longer hold small objects in my hands due to how painful it is. How can I make him understand and come out of denial that something is truly there and that I need him to be supportive of me? Jennifer Jennifer wrote: > How can I make him understand and come out of denial that > something is truly there and that I need him to be supportive of me? Jennifer, I'm going to do a "Dear Abby" with you and suggest you 2 set up appointments with a pastor or a licensed marriage counselor. Of course if he won't go to doctors' appointments with you, he may refuse to attend counseling. Iit would still be for your benefit to go alone if he won't accompany you. We'll be hoping and praying for your sake and the children's that something good can come out of this situation. Other ladies in the group have expressed similar problems and perhaps if they are lurking they'll come out of hiding and share their experiences with you. ... I have E.S.P. I am Exciting, Sexy, and Polished. Heya, Jennifer, From the outside looking in you've both got a situation where you need outside help. Try to understand that he's getting burnt out from all the long work hours plus helping take care of the kids plus housekeeping. You've got work duties plus the physcial problems the RA causes. If there are relatives that can help by taking care of the kids 2-3 times a week or you can spare the money for a housekeeper ( I know I can't with 2 kids living with us) that could help. If not, if you could cut your hours? It's a really ruff situation for the both of you and you both need some relief...it can't go on or one or both of you will break. If there are free counseling services where you are I suggest it. Try to realize he's about at the end of his rope too, with no relief for him in sight, either. He does know that hearing about your RA from the doc isn't gonna ease up anything in his situation so he can't handle it right now. His talking to a crisis intervention professional could ease what he's under and perhaps from counseling you both can find out what resources are available to you both in your area. BTDT and I'm on marriage #2. This one has less of what you have happening right now.. If you both somehow outlast these hard times together then you'll both realize you two can face anything that may happen in the future and overcome it. Wishing ya both the best. Hugs from Rosie  Signature"If you wanna get it done, you gotta fight for yourself." -- Meat Loaf, Bat Outta Hell II > I work 4 days a week at as a housekeeper in a bingo hall. I call my DH once > a night to see how my kids are doing. Last night when I call I get an [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > > Jennifer hi jennifer, ((((((((((((((((jennifer))))))))))))))) i think rosie's assessment is spot on. you are both under extraordinary stresses, because of RA. simply sitting down and just talking (and listening) about trying to reduce the stresses you are *both* experiencing, right now, might go a long way towards helping your relationship and towards coming up with mutually agreed upon solutions for some of it. but a professional can help, you both, a lot more. when a major chronic illness strikes, it becomes a family illness in the sense that it emotionally affects everybody in the family. every human being (no matter how old) has a point they reach where they simply become overwhelmed, cannot take on any more responsibilities and still be functionally effective. this point of overwhelm is different for every individual. it is sometimes really hard for us, who have the chronic illness, to see how our illness affects those around us, especially at their deeper levels. that's where talking and listening skills come in. everybody, no matter what age or role in a family, wants and needs to be supported and appreciated by the other members of their family. wishing your family kindness, gentleness and compassion for each other. kate Heya, Jennifer, From the outside looking in you've both got a situation where you need outside help. Try to understand that he's getting burnt out from all the long work hours plus helping take care of the kids plus housekeeping. You've got work duties plus the physcial problems the RA causes. If there are relatives that can help by taking care of the kids 2-3 times a week or you can spare the money for a housekeeper ( I know I can't with 2 kids living with us) that could help. If not, if you could cut your hours? It's a really ruff situation for the both of you and you both need some relief...it can't go on or one or both of you will break. If there are free counseling services where you are I suggest it. Try to realize he's about at the end of his rope too, with no relief for him in sight, either. He does know that hearing about your RA from the doc isn't gonna ease up anything in his situation so he can't handle it right now. His talking to a crisis intervention professional could ease what he's under and perhaps from counseling you both can find out what resources are available to you both in your area. BTDT and I'm on marriage #2. This one has less of what you have happening right now.. If you both somehow outlast these hard times together then you'll both realize you two can face anything that may happen in the future and overcome it. Wishing ya both the best. Hugs from Rosie Signature"If you wanna get it done, you gotta fight for yourself." -- Meat Loaf, Bat Outta Hell II > I work 4 days a week at as a housekeeper in a bingo hall. I call my DH once > a night to see how my kids are doing. Last night when I call I get an > earful about how its my fault that we never got our stuff out of his [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > > My doctor as told me repeatly, not to lift over 10lbs, not to stand for more > then 15 mins at a time and to not over due myself at this point since I am > early in starting the proper medications to reduce the effects that RA > causes. He will not go to a doc appt with me and I believe that he is in > complete denial that anything is wrong with me. I continue to have daily > arguements with him when there is something in the house I can't do and need > him to do. I don't think I'm asking him to do much. Occassionally the > dishes, Laundry (I can't get down the basement steps any longer) and to take > out the trash. Ocassionally I ask him to clean out the litter box. I > understand he is working 12 to 15 hours a day sometimes more but I need him > to understand what is wrong with me and not be in denial that something is > truly wrong with me. My hands hurt constantly meaning that the RA is more > in my hands then anywhere else. I love him dearly but with 2 young children > it makes it difficult for me and he just doesn't seem to understand. I > asked him 1 day last week to help me fill out some papers I can no longer > hold small objects in my hands due to how painful it is. How can I make him > understand and come out of denial that something is truly there and that I > need him to be supportive of me? > > Jennifer My Dar I am sorry that you have to deal with this right now. I do agree with Firecheif on this one. (((((((((HUgs from Rhonda))))))))))))))) >I work 4 days a week at as a housekeeper in a bingo hall. I call my DH >once a night to see how my kids are doing. Last night when I call I get an [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > > Jennifer >I work 4 days a week at as a housekeeper in a bingo hall. I call my DH >once a night to see how my kids are doing. Last night when I call I get an [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > > Jennifer Hi Jennifer, Many people take their other with them when they have a doctors appointment. Many people just have a good cry and explain how life is for you (worked for me) and ask for help on your bad days. What ever you do,,,, do not let it go on and on without you and your other coming to an agreement. Lets just hope that he was just having a really bad day and needed to unload on someone and we are always there to take that,,,:-) some more than others.... Other people,,,,,have to get an understanding right away,,,, other people work it out more slowly. Good luck with it and have him go with you to the doc. Harv Jennifer wrote: > I call my DH once a night to see how my kids are doing. I forgot to ask - maybe you've mentioned previous posts - the ages of the kids. > My doctor as told me repeatly, not to lift over 10lbs, The disabilty hearing doctor told me that, which is what won my disability claim. He was working for me and not the agency that hired him. > not to stand for more then 15 mins at a time and to > not over due myself I was told not to overdo myself in 1977. In 1979 I was given that 15 minute restriction (which didn't hinder my work at the time). I could go an hour or two at a time as long as I didn't do it day in and day out. Still rooting for you. Rah, rah, rah. Go gal. ... File not found. Use sandpaper instead? [Y/n] You have been given some good advice here... I know it must be hard for the both of you. I don't have RA, but FM....It is hard enough for me to understand this DD and not be in denial about it. Asking our loved ones to understand what even we have trouble with.... Like Harvey said....Maybe he had had a bad day too and hopefully the two of you can work this out... It isn't easy for either of you. His being in denial might be the only way he can deal with it right now...but that isn't fair to you either... You might go to this website and look at it...have him look at it... http://www.myida.org/theylook.htm But They LOOK so Good.... It is about invisible diseases. There is alot of information for your husband and you... Cindy > I work 4 days a week at as a housekeeper in a bingo hall. I call my DH once > a night to see how my kids are doing. Last night when I call I get an [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > > Jennifer Jennifer, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. My ex never did "get it". I think those who have never had chronic pain will never be able to fully relate. however, they can try to understand. Maybe in time he will try to understand more. Going to the doc with you, counseling, etc are great ways to start. If he doesn't want to though there is nothing you can do about it. Take care of yourself as much as you can. He is not in your body but you are and have to deal with the pain if you do too much. I hope he will come around sooner than later for your benefit. debbie m. > I work 4 days a week at as a housekeeper in a bingo hall. I call my DH once > a night to see how my kids are doing. Last night when I call I get an [quoted text clipped - 23 lines] > > Jennifer Nann wrote to Meg during her FMS W.H.I.N.E. episode a few weeks ago: Meg, I'm glad you went with my idea to print off the responses to your post and show them to Lars :-) That's not a bad idea after all and it might be good for us to remember when our loved ones don't understand, that we can come to the group and ask about a problem, and then print the responses off. It gives validation to our complaints of chronic pain and inability to do some things we once did. Nanny Dear Jennefer, Nann is right. I now vent about my OA, FMS and CFS in these chat rooms and then print out the resposes to show my DH. Unfortunately, when I read your concerns about your spouse he is in deep denial. I am sorry this is happening for you. Others in the FMS chat room suggested I show my post and the responses from them to my husband in order to see that I am really in pain and need support. This helped us a lot. In the beginning he came to my doctor appointments. Now he will attend MRIs and surgeries with me He has learned alot. Some marriages can survive this catastrophic situation and others fall by the way side. I read that you really love him and your 2 children. Maybe showing your post and our responses will help. Marriage counseling will help too. But I don't think he will be that open minded if he is not willing to even acknowledge your chronic pain / illness. How old are the kids? Can they help you more around the house? Make a game out of them running down to the baswenment to get the laundry! Be creative. Have fun with the chores with them. Do a star chart! I did with my boys. It worked sometimes and other times life was total chaos... Those are some ideas I am thinking of. I am sure there are others here that are dealing with their spouses the same as you. I wish you well. Warm Thoughts and Breezes, Meg Meg, I'm so glad your partner was open to reading the responses on this newsgroup and it is helping him understand this disease and the pain better. That's great news for both of you. Jennefer, I hope you could use the same method and your husband willing to read about FM. You're sure not alone in often being misunderstood by our family and friends. Nanny > Nann wrote to Meg during her FMS W.H.I.N.E. episode a few weeks ago: > [quoted text clipped - 42 lines] > Warm Thoughts and Breezes, > Meg Nann wrote to Meg during her FMS W.H.I.N.E. episode a few weeks ago: Meg, I'm glad you went with my idea to print off the responses to your post and show them to Lars :-) That's not a bad idea after all and it might be good for us to remember when our loved ones don't understand, that we can come to the group and ask about a problem, and then print the responses off. It gives validation to our complaints of chronic pain and inability to do some things we once did. Nanny Dear Jennefer, Nann is right. I now vent about my OA, FMS and CFS in these chat rooms and then print out the resposes to show my DH. Unfortunately, when I read your concerns about your spouse he is in deep denial. I am sorry this is happening for you. Others in the FMS chat room suggested I show my post and the responses from them to my husband in order to see that I am really in pain and need support. This helped us a lot. In the beginning he came to my doctor appointments. Now he will attend MRIs and surgeries with me He has learned alot. Some marriages can survive this catastrophic situation and others fall by the way side. I read that you really love him and your 2 children. Maybe showing your post and our responses will help. Marriage counseling will help too. But I don't think he will be that open minded if he is not willing to even acknowledge your chronic pain / illness. How old are the kids? Can they help you more around the house? Make a game out of them running down to the baswenment to get the laundry! Be creative. Have fun with the chores with them. Do a star chart! I did with my boys. It worked sometimes and other times life was total chaos... Those are some ideas I am thinking of. I am sure there are others here that are dealing with their spouses the same as you. I wish you well. Warm Thoughts and Breezes, Meg Well, my kids are 16 months and 3 years old. The 3 year old is in pre-school most of the day usually. She goes back next week. So that takes a bit of a load off of me. Jennifer > Nann wrote to Meg during her FMS W.H.I.N.E. episode a few weeks ago: > [quoted text clipped - 42 lines] > Warm Thoughts and Breezes, > Meg
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