((((((((((Becky)))))))))))

I can't even imagine what you're going through. You're in my prayers,

Ashley

Oh my. I am so sorry. Hugs and prayers on the way to you all.
Duckie

oh, becky.  i'm so terrribly sorry this has happened to you and your family.
my heart goes out to you.  my prayers and condolences are offered.

i cannot speak for the other widows on this group, but i can speak for
myself, as a widow.  becky, please, don't torture yourself about your
actions that day and with the "if onlys" that your very tender and
vulnerable emotions give rise to now.  i know i did my share of running
through the "if onlys" in my mind, after my husband passed away 3 1/2 years
ago, until i realized that i really wasn't in control of these kinds of
situations.

sweetie, you did that day what, on any other ordinary day, would have been a
normal and ordinary occurrance.  how could you have possibly known what was
going to happen, in advance of it happening, hon?  and the truth is, you
couldn't have known. ((((((((((((((((becky)))))))))))))))) please, be gentle
with yourself.  losing one's life partner is so hard; difficult enough,
without heaping guilt upon ourselves.  you don't deserve to do that to
yourself.  and honey, you're still in shock and not thinking as clearly as
you normally would, or you would know you wouldn't have done things
differently, without having known, in advance, what was going to happen.
again, please be kind to, and gentle with, yourself.

lovingly,
kate

I have posted here many times, usually about medicine, this time it is the
worst thing for me, not medical at all. My Dear husband of almost 31 years,
( would have been on 9/20) passed away from a massive heart attack this past
Thursday. I had come home from work and saw him in the back yard sitting and
just starting doing the normal chores, why I didn't go out to talk to him
will be a forever quilt problem with me, anyway made his dinner and did a
few things, went out to get him for dinner and found him laying in the side
of the gravel up against the garage wall and he had died. He had no pulse
and was purple, I did cpr along with the neighbor while the ambulance came
but it was too late.  He was only 54, way to young to die, I am so crushed I
don't know what to do, the pain is so intense and the quilt that I should
have went out and talked to him is consuming me alive.
I just needed to get this out to someone, I have a lot of family but don't
want to upset them, we had two boys ages 29 27 and they both live here in
town for which I am grateful.
I had to have him cremated because we had no life insurance and that was the
most economical way to go, I wasn't sure that I even believed in it.
I know that life will get easier but right now I can't imagine how, I miss
him with all my heart and hope he knew how very much he was loved by all.
Both of us would have celebrated birthdays in October also, and he was
getting ready to retire.
Thanks for letting me express myself
Becky

Becky, the pain is going to be there for a while. Let go of the guilt.
You did nothing wrong. He had a massive heart attack and died. Even if
you had phoned the paramedics before he lost consciousness it, in all
likelihood, would not have changed the outcome. This is a tragic event
but you are in no way at fault. I had to be taken to the hospital today
for a heart problem. I encouraged my wife to go back to work for a
meeting. If I had died while she was away I would desperately hope she
would not let guilt tear her up. Your husband would not want you to feel
guilty over something you had absolutely no control over. He would
understand though that feeling guilty at this time is sometimes less
terrifying than feeling completely helpless after losing someone so dear
to you. I've assisted in a scenario almost exactly like the one you
described (I waved down the ambulance and brought the paramedics inside
to the people whose turn it was to do CPR). The ambulance was called
immediately, CPR was performed immediately, and it made no difference.
It's tragic that this happened, but there was nothing you could have
done. It happened so fast, it would've been like a car accident, and
there's no way you could've gone out and stopped a truck with your bare
hands. Even if you don't believe it right now when you're in such pain
and turmoil, keep telling yourself this because it's true.

I'm glad you chose to come here and talk to us.

That was the right thing for you to do.

Please, continue if you need to.

{{{{{{{{{{{Becky}}}}}}}}}}} I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Carole

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Becky))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know I'd be an absolute basket case in your situation.  Thank goodness you
do have family there in town to help you through this.

Try not to feel guilty about not going out to say Hi to him - remember
instead the love and history and ease you had with each other so you both
were happy and comfortable going about your routines.  Remember instead the
last time the two of kissed, or held each other or laughed together.  
Remember the joy you brought to each other.  He knew you were working on
dinner as he was working on the yard, both sharing in your happy life
together.  There's nothing better than that.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, sending you hugs every day.

Oh Becky, sometimes words are not enough.  Please accept my
condolences.
{{{{{{{{{{Becky & family}}}}}}}}}}

My deepest condolences, Becky. Talk to someone...friend, clergy, therapist,
someone. Don't let this guilt build and consume you.

You're in our prayers, DeeTee

I know this will probably not do any good but this is really not your fault.
It may of been already too late when you first saw him.   It was just his
time and guilt will not change a thing, make anything better but it is kind
of normal and part of the grieving process.
   Everythime your mind starts to spiral down that road,,,,,, stop,,,,
think of the good times and what you liked most about your friend.

No,,,, thank you Becky for caring enough about us to share part of what life
brings to many of us.
Harv

I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope you will try grief therapy, it does
help.

God bless.

Lyn

Thank you to all of you for your kind responses and messages. I know that it
will get easier right now I can't imagine when, but I will just take each
day one day at a time and am so very grateful for my 2 wonderful sons and
the rest of my family that are here to help me.
My oldest son who is a photographer has dedicated his website to my husband,
if you care to look here is the site,
http://www.northwestimage.com/
Thanks ag ain

Becky,

I am so sorry for your loss.

Just feel whatever you are feeling for now. You need to just be in the
moment because trying to change the sadness and sense of loss is like trying
to push back the tide with a broom.

Everyone goes through the "what if's". When those come up, let them go. We
are not that individually powerful. We do not have control. Some things are
just beyond our ability to effect change. They just are. But we are stronger
than we think and can endure, survive, and eventually thrive. It just takes
time and patience.

Sending hugs to you, your boys, and the whole family.

Adelle

Please accept my condolences for yourself and your sons. I am so sorry
to hear your news.
    Rose   @}>->--
    Being educated means that rather than fearing the unknown, one seeks to understand it. RB

    Please remove "Ima" to reply.

I understand how you feel. Please do not blame yourself. May prayers
are with you.

May God bless you,
Nirupma

Becky-

I'm so sorry about your husband.  We can't ever know, moment by moment,
what we could have done differently in those circumstances.  There was
just no way for you to know.  Try not to dwell on the guilty feelings.

Janet W

Becky, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.  What a sudden event it must
have been.  Our bodies seem to go into "shock mode" when this happens, and
yet the fact that it does, is really for our own protection.

Guilt is a big factor involved in the grief process.  Anger will usually
follow - anger at yourself, anger at your husband for dying and leaving you
alone, anger at circumstances, the list goes on.  Would I have the same
guilt you are carrying because when you looked out the window, your husband
was sitting down while doing yard work?  Yes, no doubt.  We are usually not
ready for these sudden life experiences.  You looked out the window, saw
your husband sitting, but doing what he normally would do in the yard.  The
fact that you went ahead and cooked dinner, then went out to call him in
proves that you had no inkling it was anything else than him taking a rest
break when you first looked out the window.

I sympathize with you; I send you my heartfelt condolences; please do not
carry the guilt too long.  You did NOT kill him, nor were you responsible
for his death.  It was his time.  At least that's what I bellieve.  Nanny

((((Becky))))

My God, what a shock for you and your family! Please don't beat yourself up.
We never know when the 'last time' we do anything is going to happen. You
didn't do anything wrong by going about your daily business, preparing food,
and letting your husband sit outside, enjoying the day.

It's what we do daily that counts, that shows our love and concern. I'm
sorry you had to make a difficult decision about his remains, but you had to
do what you had to do.

Hugs and prayers,
Kelly C.

Sending Good Thoughts for those left behind,
{{{{Becky & Family}}}}

GrampaHugs,
Alex,

I am so sorry to hear this Becky.  My dad died at 56 from a heart attack and
I know how hard it was.  My heart goes out to you.

Do not feel guilt - there most likely wasn't anything more you could do.
you do need to talk to someone though - don't hesitate to talk to your boys.
Remember the good times and keep his memory alive.

A gentle hug.

Kelly

Becky, I am so, so sorry.  Indeed he was young to go that way.  I know your
pain in intense and will be for a while, but I will pray that as time
passes, the good memories will overcome the sorrow.  I lost my husband in
March 2001, but I was prepared because he was in a nursing home, had surgery
go bad, and he had alzheimers.  You have my sympathy.
Gwen

Oh Becky, you and your family are in  my prayers.

melinda

I am so sorry for you and your family. This is such a tremendous loss
for all of you. My prayers are with you all for some comfort. Kate

(((((becky)))))

(((((family)))))

My heart and prayers go out to you,

Vickie B.

Dear Becky
I am so sorry for you. I know it is a great loss,but it was meant to be.
whether you went to talk to him or not, it was going to happen. please don't
let guilt make your pain any worse. May God take care of you at this sad
time in your life.
janice

Oh, Becky,

Please be kind to yourself and remember all the years you
two had
together, not one final moment lost.

It's devastating enough to lose your beloved husband, please
don't
make the loss worse by feeling guilty.  How many hundreds of
times
have you spoken to him, made a loving gesture already?  He knew
how much he still IS loved.

My cousin died like that at 50, and even with his wife, a nurse,
right at his side when it happened, he died so quickly that even
her nursing skills couldn't help him.

I'm glad you could tell us about it, and we'll be here any
time you
need us.

Ginnie    >^..^<
__________________________________

Becky, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you are going
through. My husband and I have been married for 31 years and I cannot
remember life without him. Prayers for your children as well.
Even though they are young adults...They are way too  young to be without
their Dad...
Hugs Cindy

Becky, my heart breaks for you and the sorry you must feel.

When I read your email I thought at first it was an old one posted by
me almost 2 years ago. Like you, we were married over 31 years. My
husband was 52. He had a massive heart attack and also like you, I
didn't go to him right away. My husband had just joked with my son and
I and even mooned me. He went off to bed to watch the evening news and
was calling jokes out to my son and I, so when the strange noise
started, I thought it was him playing with the blinds and our dogs. I
kept calling to him, asking what he was doing but the noise just got
louder. Finally our son went in to see what his dad was up to and found
him having a heart attack. He had been like that for a full 5 minutes
or more.

I quickly called 911 and started artificial resperation when he stopped
breathing. I got him back a few times and he tried to talk to me but
couldn't make words. Then he was gone again. I blamed myself. If only I
had gone into the bedroom right away, he might have lived.

The doctors at the hospital all told me that it wouldn't have mattered
when I would have gone into the bedroom. They said it was very
doubtfull that they could even have saved him if he had been in the
hospital for days before the heart attack and they were right beside
the bed. They said that for such a massive heart attack there is little
they can really do to save a peson.

I want you to know that even if you had been sitting beside him, you
probably wouldn't have been able to save him.

I hope this helps a little bit. Feel free to write me. Anytime. I
definately know what you are going through. Sending
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to
you.

Susanne

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Becky))))))))))))))))))))))
Words can not express how sorry I am for your loss
RhondaM

Becky,

My heart goes out to you sweetie. I wish I was there to hug  you and hold
you during this trying time.

There is no way you could have known what would happen. We all wish we would
know ahead of time but we don't.

Heart attacks come on so quick, there is no telling it. My hubby had one in
96. He was luckier than most that he had such a worry wart wife. 1/2 hour
longer and it would have been too late.
But anyways this is why I mentioned this. My neighbors had just gotten done
talking to him earlier. They could not believe he had a heart attack, there
was no signs of it. He looked healthy up to the point that he had it. So
there was no way of you knowing sweetie, even if you had gone out there and
said something. So don't beat yourself up about it.

(((((((((((((((((((((Becky)))))))))))))))))))

What a hard time for you right now.  My dad passed away in April and I
know how hard a death of someone close can be.  I think we all find
something to feel "guilty" about.  I wanted to be with my dad when died
but I was downstairs eating.  I too felt guilty that he was alone when
the time came.  I believe that is part of the grief process.  You
didn't do anything wrong.  You went about your daily routine and was
fixing him something to eat - showing you love for him.

You might want to call your local hospital or hospice when things
settle down and see if they are offering a program in grief.  Our local
hospice offers a six week program to help someone through grief.

Your sons tribute was so nice to his dad.  I'm glad that you came to
our group and expressed your feelings.  It is the best thing to get it
out.  Sometimes it feels like you are going to explode if you don't and
talking to others on the net (not knowing them face to face) is a safe
place to do that.

You will continue to be in my thoughts during the difficult days that
will be ahead.  Time does make the pain easier to bear.

debbie m.