I do know what it is like to feel that way, and fortunately for me,
have not felt it in many years. When I was 21 or thereabouts I was in
constant, unremitting pain. There was no med that helped, ever. I
believe that I had a flare that lasted for about 15 years without any
letup. There may have been minor variations in pain level, bu tnot to
the point here it was noticable. To get through, I abused pain
relievers, and drank alot of alcohol. I used to get drunk and ask God
to take me. I would beg to die. I lived under that black cloud and did
nothing to get out of it.

Some how, at some point the sun started to break through the clouds,
and I found the will to live and developed a sense of purpose.
Eventually life got better in spite of the pain.

I believe that things will improve for you, it will just take time.
You are sooooo strong and have already been through so much. You can
beat this!

Think of the day when you will sit in your new house sipping tea and
watching the birds, a quilt on your lap and you doing the fine
stitching needed to complete that perfect design.

If you need the antidepressants for a bit, take them. We all need help
from time to time. It is better to take them temporarily then to live
in the shade of that cloud.

The day will come when you will get retuxan, and once again have pain
control.
In the meantime, we are here.

Call me if you need to talk. I am here.
    Rose   @}>->--
    Being educated means that rather than fearing the unknown, one seeks to understand it. RB

    Please remove "Ima" to reply.

{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}   I know exactly how you feel, honey, as do most of us
here. There was a news show recently that talked about extending our lives
and I told Bob, "Why would anyone with chronic disease, constant pain, etc.,
WANT to extend their lives??" I will be ready whenever Heavenly Father
decides, but oh, sometimes.....   Hang in there, Kiddo, 'cause we love you.
Wish we could make your pain and fatigue disappear if only for a little
while until things smooth out a little.

Love ya - DeeTee

oh, sweetie. i'm so glad you could write all of that to us. my heart
aches for you. your strength is tremendous, but you deserve to break
down whenever you want.

i want to preach a little about depression. "situational" depression IS
clinical, in that our brain chemistry changes (at least temporarily)
from the situation. when i was studying depression as a therapist, an
example our prof used was a study of a fish in a fish tank. they
measured the seratonin levels in the fish. normal. then they put a cat
outside the fish tank and the seratonin levels plummeted. the
"situation" led to a change in chemistry.

the first time i went on antidepressants was when i was 41 and my
till-then wonderful husband of 20 years told me he was in love with
someone else. that "situation" took away my appetite, made me cry most
of the time, left me unable to work, etc. from my own experience as a
therapist, i knew i had to join the ranks of my patients who took
antidepressants. what a difference they made! i was still sad and
angry, but i could function again without breaking down. i took them
for about 8 months. i started them again after my RA diagnosis, when
the pain was unbearable and the good meds didn't yet exist. and i take
them now to help with hot flashes.

think of antidepressants as a "crutch" in the good sense. you have a
broken ankle, you use a crutch to help you through the healing period.

i'll get off my soapbox now. i know that if your symptoms were under
control, you wouldn't need the antidepressant, but they're NOT under
control right now and while we pray they will be in the future, i hope
you'll accept the meds that will help you get through this miserable
time. and if you don't, we'll still love you and support you anyway.

gentle hugs,

diane

Well Kelly, reading your post was like me looking into a mirror.
(not clinical, situational) hit me hard.  I honestly know how you feel.
People around me just don't get it.  I like you am not suicidal.  Just
like you said, "the fun is just sucked out of life" I WANT to live
again.  Healthy people around me think "choice" is involved.  CHOICE?
My awful responce to them is, Have you ever been assaulted? raped?
forced against your will to endure something all encompassing?"  I have
turned into an angry person. Not angry at anyone.  Not even God. Just
angry at the disease itself.  Angry that I've been "robbed" violated
even.  Before the pain from the RA took over I'd been a fun loving
"life of the party" type girl.  Yes, even to wipe the tears is a great
effort.  I FEEL your pain.  I weep with you.
Teresa (age 45)

Well Kelly, reading your post was like me looking into a mirror.
(not clinical, situational) hit me hard.  I honestly know how you feel.
People around me just don't get it.  I like you am not suicidal.  Just
like you said, "the fun is just sucked out of life" I WANT to live
again.  Healthy people around me think "choice" is involved.  CHOICE?
My awful responce to them is, Have you ever been assaulted? raped?
forced against your will to endure something all encompassing?"  I have
turned into an angry person. Not angry at anyone.  Not even God. Just
angry at the disease itself.  Angry that I've been "robbed" violated
even.  Before the pain from the RA took over I'd been a fun loving
"life of the party" type girl.  Yes, even to wipe the tears is a great
effort.  I FEEL your pain.  I weep with you.
Teresa (age 45)

Kelly. by all means take the antidepressant to help you get over this very
bad time you're having now.  Doesn't mean you will have to stay on them for
life, but I take one every day and wouldn't be without it.  You really need
some help now.  Glad your test was finally clean and the use of rituxan is
getting closer.  Will be praying it will work well for you and you won't
have the terrible pain any more.
Gwen

As most of you know this has been a tough year for me as far as the
arthritis goes.  I try not to complain as it has happened and I am trying to
move on.  Unfortunately moving on is just not happening fast enough.

In the last 6 of 10 weeks I have been on antibiotics for uti's caused by
some of the side effects of the neurological side effects and the fact that
I seem to have developed a sensitivity to the cipro.  The last antibiotic
round I insisted they keep me on for 14 days (against the resident who was
training's opinion and backed by the doctor) on the sulfa drug.  The tests
finally came back clean this week.  That means when the dust settles I can
hopefully go on the rituxan.  Which brings me to my rd's appointment.

I had my 2 month follow- up appointment - normally they are every 3 months.
I was crying in his waiting room (not usual for me - usually I am Miss "We
can beat this if we work together and educate ourself no- it- all in the
waiting room cheerleader type person".  I am usually pretty up beat and
always strike a conversation with someone who needs help.  Anyhow Thursday I
was sore, had RA fatique, felt lousy and sorry for myself.  My feet are so
sore and swollen I can't bear to put weight on them and my hips and knees
are about the same.  Let's not discuss my fingers - the rest of my body I
have no time for right now.  So I am gently crying and trying to pull myself
together.  He comes out when it is my time, I drag myself off my scooter
with my cane and literally stumble into his office.  His words were "Am I to
assume things have not improved any".  Miss cheerleader says "sh.t know -
they are as bad as they can be and burst into tears again.  Poor RD doesn't
really know where to go from here - but is worried.  His assistant who is
trying to get the rituxan paid for by the government insurance is on
holidays (since he is back now) but has had no luck yet.  I say I will pay
for it - any cost by myself.  He starts to ask if I have had the results of
the endrocologist and the bone scan for osteo - I reply that I don't care
what my bone density is at the moment.  At that point he looked at me and
said he wanted me treated asap for depression - could I please go to my gp
right after the appointment.  Nope - not going to do that until Tuesday (my
gp is on holidays and I don't want to deal with anyone else.)  He is really
concerned about the depression - I am really concerned abou the RA.  It will
probably be a couple of weeks to get the rituxan ordered, maybe some
assistance, the hospital set up to administer it.  I am the first patient he
has on it (except for the trials he ran which were done blind by his
assistant.)  So we figure out what dose etc and the procedure (can you read
lots of paper work and scheduling etc.)

I have problems with the depression thing.  I know it is not clinical - it
is what I call situational.  If I could have the swelling down, the pain
down and some function I would not be depressed.  I am not really depressed
just in a fog of pain, fatique (from the RA and from not sleeping properly
with the pain).  I don't want another med to the mix especially if a chance
of any drowsiness with the med - I already fight that with the meds I am on.

I know I probably should be going on something to get me through this - I
agree life as it is is not worth living. That is not to mean I am suicidal -
it just means all the fun has gone out of it.  Even wiping tears is an
effort.  I know on the stress test level I am off the chart - the reno, the
neuro side effect, major medical problems (no dmard for 10 months for
starters - can you say out of control), the house for sale, packing, son's
wedding, and last October some marriage problems which we fixed up.  I
really feel though the only thing I am not handling is the RA - and I need
that damn med for that.

I will go on an antidepressant Tuesday but am fighting this within my soul.
I am sitting here in tears just so tired.  I just want this to all end - the
pain, the fatique the helplessness.  It is all just to much and I try so
hard to be positive but life has just thrown me way too many curves lately.
I will be okay - but damn could something just go right with my body - just
get me through the weekend.

I would never kill myself - I have too many support people and too many
people who love me and help out.  But do you ever feel like if someone told
you that you had one day to live you would happily put your affairs in
order?

Pray this rituxan comes quickly.  Off to take another demerol but it really
doesn't help the overall RA thing.  It is the fatique and the flu like
symptoms that it just doesn't touch.

On a positive note, my son and his girl friend are back from their 2 week
trip to England.  Pat and I went over to Vancouver by ferry last night and
picked them up from the airport.  pat  went off this morning to a meeting
elsewhere and I slept in at the hotel till late, talked on the phone to my
mom and then wandered my way to breakfast and back on the ferry.  It was a
nice change of scenery.  Marc, Lareesa (his girlfriend) and 3 of their
friends are coming to Victoria this weekend and sleeping all over the
house - going to Great Big Sea concert on Monday.  Will be nice and will
have to pull myself together.  Always easier when their is a crowd around.
Of course Tuesday will be hard - physically and emotionally from pulling
myself together but will go to the doctor Tuesday morning - with no
appointment - just going to park myself on a chair and be there.

Thanks for listening everyone.  Thank goodness we are selling the house and
downsizing.  That is helping pay for the rituxan for this year.  Have no
idea the cost but $15,000 was mentioned as an estimate.  It is a tax
writeoff partially - thank goodness.

yeah - I guess I am depressed but darn I have a reason

What would we do without a support system.

Kelly

(((((((((((((((((((((((kelly))))))))))))))))))))))))  as you said, it has been an unrelentingly rough year for you.  who wouldn't be depressed, clinically or situationally?  

i imagine each and every one of us on this ng, at one point or another in our lives, has become emotionally overwhelmed by our challenges and needed help with them, whether long term or temporary help.  

whether you opt to take anti-depressants or not, i feel confident that you will do whatever you know, deep down in the core of your spirit, is best for you, kelly.  as others have said, you are a very strong person.  and we, here, recognize that a strong person does what is best for themselves.  

lovingly,
kate