I do realize how good it is to have family work together.  For years my
parents lived in Spokane, Washington.  My sister and her husband helped take
care of their needs.  My oldest sister and I would travel to Spokane from
Boise, or to Arizona in the winter.  It seemed like every winter one of my
parents would end up in the hospital and we would get a call from my dad
asking us to come stay with the one who wasn't in the hospital.  We were
happy to be there for them and my dad always insisted on paying for our
trip.

Then about 10 years ago my mom's dementia was bad and dad had been taking
care of her.  Dad ended up in the hospital. I went to stay with them and had
a talk with my dad.  I told him that whenever he was ready to move to Boise
he has three children and their families ready to pitch in and move them and
help them.  We would take care of them.

My dad decided to move to Boise.  We found internists for my parents right
away and got them in to see their doctors.  The first thing my dad's doctor
wanted was to do some tests which his doctor in Spokane could not get my dad
to agree to do.  It turned out he had colon cancer.  He made it through the
surgery, but had complications after the surgery.  He ended up in the
hospital and finally came home with trouble aspirating into his lungs.  We
took turns taking care of dad and mom, feeding dad through a feeding tube.
He was such a generous person.  He insisted on taking us out for lunch and
sat there with a feeding tube, not eating, while he enjoyed watching us
eat.  He always insisted on paying for the bill.

One day while I was taking care of mom and dad he fell and broke his hip.
He made it through the surgery but died 4 days later due to blood clots in
his lungs.  He had only been in Boise for 6 months.  I was with my dad when
he died in the hospital.  We  promised him that we would take care of mom.

Tonight I was over at my sister's house talking to her about my mom's
medical needs.  My sister confided in me that she feels guilty when she
considers planning a fishing or camping trip because she will have to ask my
brother or me to take care of mom.  She already has asked us to help out so
much this summer because she has been to Colorado to pick up her
grandchildren and will be taking them back to Colorado.  I told her she
should not feel guilty.  All she has to do is ask.  If it doesn't work out
that we can take mom, then we will have the backup plan of the daycare
facility.  That is why I was excited when I figured out that we could use
them as a resource.

Tonight my brother and I rearranged my mother's room.  We are having her use
a walker and her room was too cluttered.  She is going to be put on a blood
thinner, so we need to make sure she is safe.  It is amazing what a
difference it made when we took out the coffee table, the exercise bike, and
replaced her queen size bed with a twin size bed.  She got ready for bed and
I noticed her toe nails were getting rather long.  I filed down her nails
while my brother put some eye drops in for her.  Then as I was leaving my
brother told my mother he would give her a back rub.  I was thinking it is
nice to be in a loving family.

Take care,
Julie

...

Thanks.   I have a close friend coming in from overseas, and we're just
going to meander down the coast, visit a wildlife refuge and some quiet
beaches, staying in inexpensive motels or even camping a few nights - I'm
too broke for anything more.  But just not having that invisible tether for
a few days sounds so nice - with one exception,* I haven't been more than
about 150 miles from the house in... I don't know how long, and while I'ved
stayed overnight away a few nights (one, maybe two nights at a time), it's
call home a couple of times a day and have the cell phone always at hand.

(*The one exception was when the unhelpful sister needed my help moving -
she promised  if I flew out to help drive the moving van back, she'd be
ready, two days away.  She wasn't ready, and it was four-plus days.)

I have a client who works for an agency that assists people with
disabilities have as great a degree of independent living as possible, and
deals with caregivers, mostly not people with AD, but physical or mental
disabilities.  She said when people come in, they're often unsure exactly
what sort of help they are looking for, fumble around a bit, and when she
suggests 'respite care,' the people just light up.

I find myself wondering how a generation ever gets back to the caregiving
mindset. My sister's son his exactly like her in that regard, and I can see
the day coming when Sis is going to need this kind of support - and she's
not going to get it from her child.  And I'm sad to say, she's not going to
get it from me, either - doing it mostly single-handed has left me
burned-out at the idea of accepting the burden for another generation.

--

Robert
(Who has no idea what I'd do if *I* ever need this kind of caregiving.
<sigh>)

Jane,
  That is just awful.I believe without a doubt that my sister would try
to pull that too.She claimed just a few weeks ago that she had a lawyer
and was charging me with abuse because i won't answer her calls.Abuse to
the elderly cause her calls are to my mom.The reason i don't answer them
is because she is always upsetting my mom by insisting she is sick and
should go to the doctor.I have my mom call her once in a while.Plus my
sister has done awful things to me and others all her life. She just
recently took advantage of a vulnerable adult she knows by cheating her
out of a lot of money.She's unbelievable.Barb

It grieves me to see our nation's (or any nation's) children turned into
killers before they have had the opportunity to study war and its
vicious and inevitable consequences.