Lie (some people here call it 'loving deception'). Tell her her she is going
in to be checked out by the doctors.Or something else that will let her go
there with minimum hassle. When my father went intoa home it was a
nightmare, he refused to go in even for one night, it took several (awful)
hours to persuade him he should even go for a few hours for a checkup by the
doctors (when actually he was in fact going in for several weeks which
turned into for good).

Make sure that you keep things like suitcases with her clothes or other
obvious signs of a move, well out of sight.

Your wifes mother is not able to reason or understand its for the best, (as
is shown by her refusal to have a live in caretaker) there is no point
therefore in trying to reason with her, the objective should be to get her
in the home with minmum stress on all concerned.

Has she ever stayed overnight at such a facility before? If so, tell her
thats whats happening. If not, I would suggest coming up with whatever
deception will work for her. It might be an examination by doctors, her home
needs work and she needs to move out for a day, whatever.

Hi Tom and Kelly,

When we delivered my mother in law to the nursing home, she asked when she
would go home.   We told her when the doctor said she is well enough, she
can go home.   We implied that she is sort of there for tests and
observation etc.    But of course she is never going to go home again.   In
my opinion that is the very best way.   Allowing her to think she is just
going in for a couple of days for testing and to get her stabilized or
something like that.   In this way there is no anxiety and no worry, and
things will go much smoother.   She will soon forget she has lived anywhere
else.

If your MIL has alzheimers, nothing much that you tell her is going to
stick.   She will forget as soon as you tell her anyway, so it makes no
sense to tell her anything upsetting.   For a normal person with full brain
function, of COURSE you would tell them everything they needed to know, in
full, and in advance.   But with Alzheimer's disease, all bets are off and
different rules apply.

Few people who have alzheimers ever know it, realize it or can admit it.
You see they lose whole blocks of memory of all recent events at a time.
So to them their experience is seamless, for the few bits they actually do
remember and it seems to them there are no gaps.

In my mother in law's case, she lived here with us for about 3 and a half
years.   During that time she thought she was only here for "a couple of
weeks" and she always believed she was just here for a visit.   She did many
things, attended daycare, had dental work done, and remembered absolutely
none of it.   She asks to go home now, and if you ask her where that is, she
will look at you blankly like she isn't sure where it is.

I can tell you my MIL has made a very good adjustment to the facility and is
used to the routine and the system, and is happy and rested and seems quite
comfortable and content whenever we see her.

Hi Tom,
I hope you see this. Go to the below link and ask your wife to
read it. IMHO it truly explains "loving deceptions".
http://www.muggsmulcher.com/kstuff/a.s.a/articles/pam.htm
http://neuro-oas.mgh.harvard.edu/sea/SEADwebManage.html#Deceptions

Tom and Kelly,

Well, I've had 2 experiences with my mother that may offer some parallels.
Last summer, when we saw that the time was coming when she would need
24-hour care, we hired someone to come in as a companion 3 times a week for
3-4 hours at a time.  We hired someone through a local agency that provided
people for companionship and light housekeeping, cooking, errands, but not
any personal services (e.g., dressing, bathing, toileting).  The young lady
who came was a college student, so we kept telling my mother,(who asked over
and over why she was here) that she was a student who needed a summer job
and she needed to get experience working with older people to help her in
her career.  The implication was that my mother was really helping this girl
to let her come in and get experience.  My mother ended up loving the
visits, as Alychia had a car and would take her out places.  She was also a
very sweet and industrious person around the house (did cleaning, etc., on
her own volition).

About two months into that, about the time that Alychia had to go back to
school full time, my mother was found wandering around the neighborhood.
Within 3 days, we had a 24/7 live in nurse's aide in her home.  My mother's
wish was that when she became unable to take care of herself, she would have
someone live-in and take care of her, as her older sister had done.  (Of
course, by the time it happened, my mother remembered nothing of her
desire...)

Well, my mother did not like it one bit that someone else was living in her
house.  The first aide that was sent by the agency (a different one than the
agency who provided the college student) my mother complained about a lot,
so we asked the agency not to send her back, but to find someone else.
Frankly, part of it was a personality or style conflict, and part of it was
the "shoot the messenger" syndrome.  My mother didn't like the fact that she
wasn't going to be living alone any more, and she transferred some of those
negative feelings to the first aide.

I'm sure I could have handled things better, but mostly I dealt with the
problem by being stubborn.  My mother can be stubborn, but so can I when I
make up my mind that that's the way things are going to be.  Also, frankly,
my sister and I were much more in control if things at that point that my
mother, who was losing many of her functional abilities.  She at first
refused to eat any of the food that the aides prepared (still wanted to show
her independence) but after a while that went by the wayside because she
really could not function anymore as far as providing something for herself
to eat.  She continued to try to assert her indepence - wouldn't let them
give her a bath etc. ("I don't need a bath")  I know this made things
difficult for the aides.

If you can get away with those "loving deceptions" that others have
suggested, I would give that a try.  Perhaps I should have tried that more
with my mother, but it was very difficult to think up a deceptive reason why
someone else was moving into her home.   Also, my mother had no other
physical problems or illnesses that we could attribute the live-in aide to.
If there were some way we could have said that the aide was there "until you
recover from X", that would have been ideal.

I think getting your mother into a care home would be easier if your mother
thought it was temporary.  As time passes, the AD will take care of the
problem of her recognizing how long she's actually been there, and that the
excuses you are giving her aren't real.

If you pick a "loving deception" to tell your mother, be consistent with it.
Use the same words over and over to describe why she's there.  Clue others
(the care home staff, other relatives that might go visit) in as far as what
to say.  When my mother kept asking why the young college student visiting
her, I said the SAME WORDS OVER and OVER.  I thought my mother was asking
this repeatedly because she was suspicious of what was going on.  Only later
(after I joined this chat group) did I realize that I had overestimated my m
other's mental faculties, and that she was asking over and over because she
COULDN"T REMEMBER!

Hope this helps.  Good luck, and please post again and let us know how
things go!

- Jennie