Dear John,

I understand completely, believe me.

My mother in law never quite understood what she had, even though we DID
have a sit down talk with her on more than one occasion.

You see, you can tell her what she has, but she won't remember it tomorrow
or maybe even not ten minutes from now.   No matter how many times you tell
her, she will forget it just as quickly as the words are gone from your
lips.  This is why all the experts recommend working with them on a minute
by minute basis.   There is no longer any frame of reference for them.

My mother in law only went to the 5th grade in school.  She came to the USA
from Estonia in the 1940's and worked in the garment district as a
seamstress, so I assure you I do understand.  She kept to her own
nationality for the most part and never really became very fluent in
English.

Her only living relative was her sister (who died before she was diagnosed),
and of course her son, my husband with whom she lived for the last few
years.

Have you read the book called "the 36 hour day" yet?   It is VERY helpful.
Do you have your mom enrolled in a day care program?   Do you have an
alzheimer caregivers support group anywhere near you?   These are all things
that helped me enormously in our own little journey.

Hi John,
Always remember you know her best. We can offer advice but you
know your Mom  and can gauge her reactions better than we can. I
think all of us have gone thru the "do we tell/remind our LO
question". My own opinion is that I'd want to know at least once
or twice;~) But if I get extremely upset or agitated then my
comfort and well being is being compromised so it isn't worth it.
She might be reassured to know she has an organic/physical
problem to blame the forgetting on. Unfortunately most people
don't react that way. My Mom could not remeber my Dad had passed
and kept asking about him. The first couple of times this
happened we told her he had passed but she was hearing for the
first time, in her reality, every time we said it. So we stopped
and just made excuses about where/how he was. Weird for us but
reassuring for Mom. Like Evelyn said read "The 36 hour Day". It's
comforting in a we aren't the only ones going thru this way.

John,  I concur with Mare and Evelyn.  You may have to give it a go for your
own peace of mind.  Just a reminder that many of our older folks cannot make
much sense out of terms now in use-like Alzheimers, cognitive impairment,
daycare, assisted living.  If we'd had that talk with my MIL the terms would
have meant nothing to her.  It just wasn't within her realm of experience.

Also, a common characteristic is that to the person afflicted there really
is nothing wrong with them.  It's the rest of us that are the problem.
Little insight as they say.  Actually that's a blessing at times.  But I
continue to be frustrated by her inability to understand that there are
consequences to her choices or behaviors.  Classic Marion is insisting on
having a jacket on to go outside now and then fussing about how hot she is-
as if it's my fault.  Asking prior to going out or telling her it's hot
means nothing.  Forbidding the jacket causes a scene-so you just go along
and be non-committal.  She has been unable to absorb any discussion of her
problems for over 3 years now.  She did know that she was letting her son
handle things-and that saved us from quite a lot of grief I think.

You know her best.  Follow your heart.  One of the good things is there's
usually other chances to alter what you tell her-depending on her response.
You just might get it "right"!  But if our experience is the usual-that need
is for you , not her.  You want to so badly get her approval and
understanding about why you have to make the decisions you do.  It doesn't
happen.  In hindsight, you figure it out.  But at the moment...you do the
best you can with what you have.

Beth