Take the car keys anyway. Neither of them need to drive any more. Is there
any financial feasibility of having your dad placed permanently? He's too
much for your mom now and you need to really consider her well-being before
his general happiness.
 I'm sure Dennis will tell you this, too: get the durable powers of
attorney in order NOW so you can help your mom. Let your dad fuss. He isn't
really aware of what he's doing or saying; he isn't able to understand the
stress he's putting on your mom. He seems to be at the "I'm the center of
the universe" phase. You show great concern for your mom. That tells me
she's lucky to have you. Good luck.
 Mary K
 > My father suffers from severe dementia.  We have been told this is in
 > the Alzheimer family.  We finally got my mother to agree to go to an
 > adult day care 2 half days a week.  She really enjoys it and getting
 > out and away from my dad is so good for her.  My question is -- my dad
 > keeps telling her that he doesn't want her going anymore -- she should
 > stay there with him.  It's "her place" to be there with him and he
 > constantly rides her about it and pretty soon will wear her down to
 > where she probably won't go.  We have tried everything -- telling him
 > what she is doing, telling him he should go with her but he would
 > rather sit and stare at the four walls.  It is just pathetic.  My
 > mother enjoys being around people.  What do we do in this kind of
 > situation.  My dad has lost all interest in everything.  He used to
 > play on the computer everyday, he used to wash and dry dishes (I have
 > just recently noticed he doesn't do that anymore).  Can anyone offer
 > any advice.  My parents can't afford to bring someone in to stay with
 > my dad while she is gone.  He wouldn't tolerate a stranger in his
 > home.  He tells his own daughters to get the _____ out of his house at
 > the drop of a hat (with his mood).  He has always been a little mean
 > spirited but the dementia has made him so much worse.  My mother is on
 > a walker and can barely get herself around.  The dementia in my dad
 > has made it so me and my sisters don't go over there nearly to visit
 > like we use to and in the last 6 mo. we have had to take the car keys
 > away from my dad and they have both gone downhill since that ordeal.
 >
 > Thank you.

Along the lines of what Tumbleweed and Mary have said, the sooner you
realize that your Dad is not going to respond to reasoning because #1 the
reasoner is breaking and #2 he becomes less likely to remember what he
agrees to-the easier it will be for everyone.

This is very difficult, especially for your mom.  If you can accept that his
view is warped at best, that he can't see the big picture, then you realize
you work around his fussing and fuming.  What will eventually happen is the
decisions are made that over-ride his objections-so keeping him calm and
maybe distracted becomes a higher priority. Part of the disease process is
the lack of insight into their own deficits.   Sometimes, nothing works.

I agree, you have to empower your Mom to resist his manipulation of guilt
when it's for her benefit.  Not a defiant resistance, just a "This is not
negotiable" kind of resistance.  This Caregiver's Bill of RIghts might help
her:
http://hd_caregiving.tripod.com/huntingtonsdisease_caregiving/id44.html
Their relationship is changing(he's losing control) and so is yours(headed
towards reversal of parent-child roles).  It's gut-wrenching, but most of us
have survived similar situations and lived to tell about it!

Keep at it and best wishes.
Beth

Hi Janse,

You have gotten excellent advice from the others, I am just adding my 2
cents to theirs as I agree with it completely.

I watched my father bully my mother in much the same way.
Sadly, she only got free by dying first.

Hi Janse:

My mother has dementia too.  Her husband passed away one year ago last Feb.
I have been looking after her since.  I think the stress it puts on a person
will cause them to be ill themselves.  I do believe in our case my mom's
husband died of too much stress and not looking after his needs, he died of
a heart attack, in their home. We had my mom accessed and put in a nursing
home for our own well being.  She is happy and we can go and visit her with
out the guilt.  I know she is better off in the home, just because of what I
seen can happen to your health and stress level.
Power of Attorney and Power of Personal Care are papers you should have so
you can make the right decisions, when they come. Without these papers, I
don't know where I would be today.
I hope this will help you, and good luck.

Dianne

Janse,

There is some excellent advice here.  These are the same people that gave me
advice as I came to grips with my father's Alzheimer's two years ago.

Just remember:  You can't reason with someone with broken reasoning
circuits.
You have to do what is best and use "loving deception" when he can't
understand or accept the truth.

Your father is stuck in the past and the present.  He can only remember long
term things from the past, but his whole world is right now.  He can't see
what will happen next.  He can't formulate a plan.  He can't remember that
his wife told him she would be right back.

He may not be at that place yet.

If you have not gotten a copy of the 36 hour day.  I would recommend it as a
starting place.
Please come to this group and ask advice.  Come here to vent.  Come here to
be understood.

It doesn't seem like your mother can care for him, at least not full time. I
would do all the day care you can get him into.

We worried and worried about how my dad would react to going into assisted
living.  I have to laugh now,  by the next day, he has forgotten he was mad.
By 3 days, he had adjusted to his new life.  The present was all he had.  On
a good day he could remember he used to live in a house.

I am sorry that your father has this despicable disease.  I am sorry you and
and your mother have to care for him.  By stepping in and doing what you
have to do, you are doing a noble deed.

- Mike, Friendswood, Texas