OK a few ideas crossed my mind here.  I will just run them all past you.

You could change doctors.   Apparently this one seems to think you are
trying to disenfranchise your mother somehow, rather than to protect her.
He is being very cagey about any chance of his stepping over the line and
working with YOU rather than with HER.

There probably is some cause for a doctor to protect himself and his
confidentiality obligations with his patient, and that may just be his
agenda here.  He is being especially careful about treading on toes and
going over her head.

So let's say that if you DO go with your mother, and perhaps bring a log or
a list of events or circumstances or behaviors that gave you cause for
concern in the first place, and it is discussed in his office with the three
of you there, perhaps he could convince her to go for the diagnostics she
needs and it would satisfy his sensibilities about his obligations to her
and her legal privacy, as well as working with you and your concerns.

There are simple tests he could do right in his office at his own desk with
her, that might give him some clues to her mental state.   The clock face
drawing test, and also the one where they give a sequence of simple
directions to the patient (for instance).   Maybe he wants to give her those
simple tests in front of you and with her as a part of it.

Then again it might not go that way at all.  You won't know unless you try.

If she really is developing some sort of serious deficiencies you will
probably need her cooperation in getting tested.   Going with and through
her doctor and with her being a part of her own process of being diagnosed
is probably the safest route for everyone both legally and emotionally.

In any it would seem he is covering his own accountability in this case,
believing that he is acting (even though it may not be) in the best interest
of his patient (your mother).

How would YOU feel about it if it were you?   Wouldn't you prefer a
conference WITH your doctor and your child?   This could simply be his way
of having you both in his presence and not going behind her back just in
case she really ISN'T developing any cognitive problems.

Maybe we are all borrowing trouble here and worrying for nothing.

If it turns out that he doesn't do anything, doesn't even attempt to
diagnose her properly, and denial seems to be where it is going, then you
can always take another approach later on by getting another doctor or
looking for alternatives.

Are you aware that if he DOESN'T pay attention to legitimate symptoms, he
could be opening himself to some liability too?

A lot of doctors these days are VERY careful where any legal issues could
come up.  This could be it, you know.   He could be overly cautious.  It
seems that way to me, especially in his careful avoidance of certain
terminology with you.

So those are my thoughts on it, and it is just my own take.... do what you
think is best.

If it was me, I would go with her and have my list of concerns ready no
matter what.

That's a tough one, Far.  Not sure that I like the doctor wanting you to
express your concerns about your mother in front of her and the doctor.
Seems to me that invites a confrontation where both you and your mother
may feel like you're being put on the defensive.  What is the doctor
going to do?  Be the referee?  The psychiatrist?  I'm just going by my
instincts here, but it just doesn't seem right to me.

Simple: Find a new doctor. This man thinks you have some sort of problem and
is trying to do quasi-family counseling. Get to a real doctor -- the faster,
the better.

Songbird

Well.. at least you got that far with your mother's doctor.  My mother's doctor
won't even return phone calls!  My mother refuses to see any other
doctor......and hostility is putting it mildly.

At least the social worker from the Dept of Elderly Affairs is due to arrive
tomorrow... after three postponed visits.

The difficult part is if the LO refuses treatment or help, they can't be forced
unless you obtain guardianship.  And even then, psychiatric help... won't
help.. unless the LO is willing to cooperate.  Although I have my mother's
durable medical POA.. it still is of no use, until she is declared
incapacitated by the court.

Babette

GET HER A NEW DOCTOR ***NOW***!