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You asked so I will give you my opinion.

No AD victim should be allowed to go anywhere
outside of the home without supervision. I agree
with what the daycare center told you and be
aware that if you are reported...the authorities
could remove your mother from your care.

The fact that AD victims can be so head strong
and argumemtative is a major problem that all
caretakers have to deal with. If you cannot
deal with it (and believe me I understand how
hard it is)...a nursing home may be the safest
place for your mother.

Tom, I am sorry to tell you this, but freedom to roam around is not an
option for someone who is losing their memory.   I hope you find a way to
keep her safe.  The daycare is not giving you a hard time, they are giving
you good advice.

Every now and then some older person with Alzheimers disappears and they
mention it on the news.   Very seldom is it a good situation when they are
found, *IF* they are found.   Sometimes they have frozen to death or are
found far from home very ill suffering from exposure.   Please reconsider
your views on this, or at least ask around.

Tom, sorry, I'm with the daycare on this one. You are in the same
shoes as a parent now.

I have three kids (now 13, 10 and 6) and there are many, many, MANY
things they would be very happy to do that I can't let them do because
as the person on the scene with the mature, functioning noggin, I know
they don't have the required judgement, knowledge, experience etc.

For example, my six year old believes with full confidence that she is
a wonderful swimmer, and should be allowed to swim in the lake without
anyone watching her. She thinks she should be able to go to the park
alone and cross busy streets.  She would cheerfully trust many adults
she shouldn't. So, she certainly would be HAPPY if I let her do
whatever she felt like doing, from carve a pumpkin by herself, use the
stove, climb on the balcony railing, to walk home from school alone,
play on the street after dark etc. etc. but I can't let her do those
things. Its not her fault - her brain is not capable of understanding
hazards,  making sensible decisions and choices, knowing what to do in
an emergency. If I let her do everything she wanted to do, I would
doubtless be brought to the attention of the authorities for neglect
and child endangerment, and they would be right in intervening. As
caregiver, I have a duty to take reasonable steps to ensure their well
being and safety, and if I can't or won't do that, I should not be in
charge of my children.

Whether or not you accept it, the damage from AD has dismantled her
adult brain so she is like my daughter, and does not have the the
ability to recognize danger, doesn't know what to do if she's in
trouble, can't always find her way home, doesn't know who to trust,
doesn't necessarily react appropriately to situations etc. so - you
absolutely MUST not let her do certain things any more by herself. You
can go for a nice walk with her, you can hire someone to take her for
walks, you can get a neighbour to take her out, but you can't let her
walk alone. If you are going to be a caregiver, you have to take on
the whole accountability.

If you can't provide the level of supervision she needs, you must find
an alternative care situation - you can find ways to keep her happy
and also safe at the same time but she needs 24/7 supervision.

Every year there are tragic stories about people with dementia
wandering off - often because they have gotten out alone by accident
or their family has not recognized their vunerablity. Often they are
not found in time to avert tragedy. They wander onto roads, they end
up lost in ravines, they die from exposure. Best case often is they
are found dirty, exhausted, and hungry miles from home by some caring
stranger who has realized they are in trouble. Besides the hazards of
traffic, geography and weather, you also have to realize that there
are terrible people out there who prey on the vunerable.  God forbid
your mother should be beaten or raped when she gets into the car of a
stranger because she doesn't know any better.

I think you are engaging in some "magic thinking" here, and somehow
convincing yourself because nothing really bad has happened yet, what
you are doing is okay. You have in-your-face evidence already, so you
can't pretend you don't know you are exposing her to dangers.

Mary G.

NO, it is NOT jail if you have to restrain the person for her own
good.  If she can just wander out of the house at any time and
you leave her at home alone, that IS abuse if she wanders away
and gets lost.

A nursing home is not jail, either.  You need to get over the
idea that she can still think normally;  she can't.  Without a
properly working memory, her reasoner is broken.

You need to accept the fact that she is no longer safe by
herself, and take whatever action is necessary to keep her safe,
whether she likes it or not.  Denial is NOT a river in Egypt.

Tom, I agree with the other posts.

Just remeber, you are NOT doing these things to her.
Alzheimers is doing it!

Do what you have to do to protect her.  Don't feel guilty.

It was very hard for me to move my "independent" father to my side of town.
It was even harder to tell him he could'nt drive any more.

I had to do to protect him.

- Mike, Friendswood Texas

I feel for you, Tom... it's a hell of a job trying to keep that balance re:
safety vs happiness & autonomy. In my opinion, given that none of us KNOW
what level of function your mom is currently at, or what your situation
truly is, some of the responses I've read in here are maybe a tad harsh ....
it's awfully easy to assume that everyone we read about with AD is like our
own LOs, and to assume that because maybe our LO is beyond something,
everyone with AD is also .....

my MIL also goes out independently on occassion ....she insists on walking
the dog.....I don't much LIKE it, but at this point, I can't really stop
her.... it's damned important to her, and I haven't yet got things set up so
that she is never alone (although we're getting very close to that). We're
pretty lucky though, in that she is rarely alone for more than an hour or so
at a time ... and we're in a small town where everyone knows her,  most
people know her situation, and she always takes the dog (who is NOT fond of
the great outdoors so is constantly wanting to head for home - and she
follows) with her .... Won't be long before I will have to take steps to
make sure she isn't left alone for any time at all, I suspect.... we're in
the process now of adding weekend home care hours for her....   the biggest
challenge isn't so much in arranging for her to have constant care, but to
get her to accept it... she is pretty damn stubborn and thinks she's just
fine... a bit forgetful, that's all.

I do think that if the day care is expressing concern, it's time for another
close look at what her capabilities are... it's often easier for non family
members to be objective - or to see the changes - than it is for family
members .... and even if you decide to leave things the way they are for the
time being ... to be VERY aware that the one constant about AD is that
everything changes and never for the better ....  you may be right to let
her to continue limited outings for now... but be very aware that even if
she can handle it for now, she won't be able to for long.     And of course,
if you haven't already, make sure she's got id with the correct address, and
is registered with whatever wandering registry is available in your area.

Caregiving is ~such fun~ innit?