How do I educate Dad?

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Songbird - 13 Apr 2004 02:09 GMT

I have been sharing with you my efforts to get my Mom diagnosed and my
parents relocated.

Friday, my mom passed out cold. She has a history of cardiac problems. She
came to, but then was too weak to move off the bed for about six hours. I
asked my dad if he called the doctor, and he replied, "No, she didn't want
me to."

She has passed the point where we can count on her to make sound judgments
as to whether she needs a doctor or not. (Anyone with a heart condition who
passes out with no provocation needs to at least CALL, IMHO.)

Although Dad will be first to tell you Mom is in first stages of Alz,
diagnosed or no, he doesn't seem to understand what that *means.* How do I
educate him without scaring him to death? (My dad has never had to take care
of anyone.) I taped "The Forgetting" when it was on PBS, but I don't know
that he could handle it. Maybe he knows more than I think and is in denial.
There is no support group near him, and he is not computer-savvy enough to
get on here. Once I get him moved, I am hoping he will attend (with me) a
new early-stage support group they are starting here. ("The people whose LOs
have just been diagnosed are terrified after sitting through the other
group, so we're starting a new one for them," the lady told me.)

Suggestions, anyone? I am getting very stressed about this -- and we are
early in the journey.

Songbird

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Des - 13 Apr 2004 07:32 GMT

>I have been sharing with you my efforts to get my Mom diagnosed and my
>parents relocated.
[quoted text clipped - 3 lines]
>asked my dad if he called the doctor, and he replied, "No, she didn't want
>me to."

My mother did this on occasion, too. Strange. It might have been a
type of fainting connected to blood pressure, but I wondered at the
time if she was having a stroke.

>She has passed the point where we can count on her to make sound judgments
>as to whether she needs a doctor or not. (Anyone with a heart condition who
>passes out with no provocation needs to at least CALL, IMHO.)

>Although Dad will be first to tell you Mom is in first stages of Alz,
>diagnosed or no, he doesn't seem to understand what that *means.* How do I
[quoted text clipped - 6 lines]
>have just been diagnosed are terrified after sitting through the other
>group, so we're starting a new one for them," the lady told me.)

I don't think you can accomplish both goals; if you educate him you
have to accept that it's going to upset him. Just realize that if you
don't educate him, it's likely to be worse, in the long run!

>Suggestions, anyone? I am getting very stressed about this -- and we are
>early in the journey.

Songbird, I gave my dad the "36 Hour Day" book to read. I think that
was a start to understanding what was happening, although he kept
expecting the situation to stabilize, and was completely shocked and
surprised by every downward step. (I was shocked but not surprised,
if that makes sense.)

He seemed to understand best when I told him that the disease was
causing her to have brain damage, but he never really seemed to
understand the prognosis until just days before she died. That was
almost the hardest part of the situation for me, the fact that I felt
like I was the only one who realized what was happening or at least
the only one who realized it and felt the full emotional impact at the
time. (The professionals knew but didn't share the emotions.)

And perhaps Dad knew at some level but his denial was protecting him.
I mentioned the idea of 'denial' to my aunt and she said "Hope is the
last thing to go". I suppose that's so.

The only other suggestion is to get others involved. Dad seemed to
hear the truth better coming from medical professionals, as compared
to his daughter, whether a social worker or a physician.

~Des

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Evelyn Ruut - 13 Apr 2004 12:37 GMT

Songbird,

I wanted to mention to you briefly that my mother (who died in Feb of 2000)
also had heart problems, and her meds often made her seem forgetful and she
also occasionally felt "woozy" or faint.

But I am sure that there is much more going on with your mom and if your Dad
is in denial it is a shame, because there are medications that can really
and truly help. The Aricept or Excelon and the Namenda and such really do
help, but you absolutely need a diagnosis before a doctor can even prescribe
those things.

He might not be inclined to read a book like the 36 hour day, but the tape
of "the Forgetting" might be better received. For sure it is time for a
wake up call.

Once you get them moved and re-situated I am sure you will be able to help
them more.

Signature

Regards,
Evelyn

(to reply to me personally, remove 'sox")

> I have been sharing with you my efforts to get my Mom diagnosed and my
> parents relocated.
[quoted text clipped - 23 lines]
>
> Songbird

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