Dear Lesanne,

I truly sympathize with your predicament.   I have been caring for my mother
in law for the last three years, with LOTS of help from daycare and from my
husband and I STILL get burned out.   This is a very difficult job and it is
emotionally draining as well as socially restricting, and on top of all of
it, there is no delineation of when you are on YOUR time and when you are a
caregiver.

I am convinced that is how professional caregivers in nursing homes cope.
They are able to go home and be themselves again every evening, have a
social life, sleep undisturbed and know who THEY are again if it is only for
a few hours every day.

Home caregivers are on duty 24 hours a day even if their loved one is at a
daycare center they are coming home at a certain time and must be fed and
put to bed.... likewise they must be ready to go out at a certain time,
dressed, bathed and everything else.   All too often we ourselves become the
least important link in the chain of day to day life.

To top it all off, this happens at a time in our lives when we ourselves are
slowing down, wanting to reflect, take life a little easier ourselves, but
the demands of caregiving are relentless and always the one cared for MUST
be first in consideration.

You need to get tougher, and insist on some decompression time.   I realize
that going to school full time and a mother too, has got to be very
demanding on your daughter.... maybe just as demanding as being a babysitter
all week and a caregiver 24 hours a day, is.

Somehow you have to find a way to get certain regular days off.   If only to
go to the beauty parlor, shop, or take a walk in the park.    For us this
came in the form of a wonderful neighbor who has been our "granny-sitter"
and our little times away from the constricting grind have been our
lifesavers.   Of course we paid her and we paid her well.

You and your daughter have to have a sit down talk, and work this out like a
family.   (Read her this post maybe).    I think that there is nothing
better than having a loving grandma to baby sit for the grandchild while mom
goes to school, but there are other issues going on here and some sort of
accommodation has to be made to cover for great grandma's condition and the
powerful pressures it puts on you.

Can you afford as a mom and daughter to put together a couple of dollars to
pay someone to give you a break?   Have you spoken to the Alzheimers
association locally?   Are there amenities available like daycare or meals
on wheels?   Is there an "office for the aging" or other agency in your
county that could give you some support?     Is there a possibility of
getting a private person to come in a couple of hours each weekend (that
your daughter and you could chip in together for) to get you some time off ?

Seems to me that if you are taking care of the grandbaby during the week for
nothing, and you have to pay someone to get a break, that some of that
expense ought to trickle down to your daughter too, since she is benefitting
enormously from your help.

Everybody is getting a good deal in this arrangement but you.

As Dear Abby always says, folks will only take advantage of you
if you let them do it.  It's time to tell daughter that she MUST
uphold her end of the deal or no babysitting.

As far as help goes, knowing that you're in Texas, where Bush
already did what he's trying to do elsewhere by getting rid of
any services for poor people, I don't know what your state allows
on Medicaid waivers.  Some states will allow a disabledd family
member on Medicaid to hire a family member for caretaking,
because it's cheaper than paying for a nursing home bed.

See http://www.dhs.state.tx.us/programs/texascares/index.html for
information on what appear to be rather meager state programs.
"Texas Cares" indeed --- sounds like more Karl Rove newspeak,
lies, and doubletalk to me.