 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / March 2004Thanks Evelyn and...
Thank you for responding to my post. I realized after posting it that what I really need is the "oomph" to change some things rather than actual directions (grin). I have been dragging my feet about finding help because I hate changes, but I am not sure how much more of this I can do without getting myself ill. I don't trust anyone to take proper care of Mom. I lurked here enough to know that I can find help from the local Alz support groups, or at least find out who to ask for help. I have phone numbers. I actually called some of them last time Mom was sick. I even had one lady who was going to come and help on a Friday one time, but I would have had to change some appts. and did not want to do it. It is like I am paralysed to change anything. But I am getting SO tired. I am afraid that... 1) Mom is going to raise a fit about it if I am not around. 2) "Someone" is going to make her miserable because she only wants Me around. 3) I am not going to be able to relax anyway, with worrying about what will be waiting for me at home. 4) "Someone" will steal, or actually hurt her. My DD is pretty much dead broke and cannot help share the cost of any of this, she is barely able to afford her tuition and living expenses, and is troubled by all kinds of things (her S.O. is disabled and addicted to pain killers, the baby is a normal 2 year old.............) She has her own problems she is fighting, and barely manages to get her classes done each semester. She starts out with a's and ends up with one or two and barely passes the hard classes.. well, not barely, she gets c's as opposed to d's but...... I think her only hope of improving her situation is to get her degree so I hesitate to try and lean on her. I guess I just need a place to vent where someone knows. I remember you and Ida from lurking before, and I remembered you know whats up. Thanks. > Thank you for responding to my post. I realized after posting it that what > I really need is the "oomph" to change some things rather than actual [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > I guess I just need a place to vent where someone knows. I remember you and > Ida from lurking before, and I remembered you know whats up. Thanks. Dear Lesanne, That situation then is a little different. OK so I understand that DD cannot chip in, but you absolutely need a break and it makes sense to put some alternative care arrangements in place now while it isn't an emergency. Don't imagine that your mom cannot manage without you or it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. I am hoping you find some way to work it out for yourself. We got Ida accustomed early on to having a limited number of other people looking after her. Daycare for one thing, and our neighbor for another. I absolutely do understand how you feel. Last year we were going to go on a little (much needed) vacation and had it all set up that Ida was going to go to a respite nursing facility. Everything was all arranged. The only thing was we couldn't bring ourselves to do it. We forfeited one ticket and I went to visit my daughter alone, while Peter stayed home with his mom. I thought it was OK at the time. Now I realize that just like children, they need to get accustomed to having other people look after them from time to time, or you will foster the very kind of dependency that will ultimately be bad for her, especially if you are the only one doing it. You might consider that if you got sick, or had any kind of an emergency and you had NO other plans in place and your mom wasn't used to seeing another face around once in a while, it might be truly a shock to her if someone else suddenly appeared to care for her, or if she was suddenly taken to a facility to be cared for by others. Better to work out some alternative plans on a regular basis, like a twice a week trip to the store or beauty parlor (or whatever) or to have someone who came in a couple of times a week to give her a bath or some such. The more others you get involved in her care now, the better it will be for her later on when she does ultimately need further care than you can give her. Just my take on it.....  SignatureEvelyn (To reply to me personally, remove sox) Lesanne, I agree with Evelyn that you do need to have her get accustomed to other people around her. I would suggest that if you can afford it, get someone to come in for a few times while you are there. Then if the same person is there for her, you could leave for a short time to begin with and then take longer and longer. That might make it easier for her and for you. Gwen Signature========================================================== Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. - Paul Boese ========================================================== | > Thank you for responding to my post. I realized after posting it that | what [quoted text clipped - 70 lines] | | Just my take on it..... I think we can afford to do this, and true, she forgets 5 minutes after anything is done. She was in the hospital for 2 days in February (this was so absurd, she had a bad bad cold, Doc prescribed and antibiotic, she got the runs from that, Doc gave her a different one which messed up her potassium levels and she just went to sleep... irregular heartrate, et al.) I trotted her off to the ER, and we sat in there all night long (she woke up about 10 minutes into the IV fluid restoration) and proceeded to try to remove the IV every time I took my eyes off her for a minute all night long. In the car going home after she got out, she had forgotten she had been there. I was practically Killed. > Lesanne, I agree with Evelyn that you do need to have her get accustomed to > other people around her. I would suggest that if you can afford it, get [quoted text clipped - 106 lines] > | > | Just my take on it..... > Dear Lesanne, > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > self fulfilling prophecy. I am hoping you find some way to work it out > for yourself. > We got Ida accustomed early on to having a limited number of other people > looking after her. Daycare for one thing, and our neighbor for another. We live in Brownsville Texas, and so far, all of the daycare places I have checked into, are staffed with, and populated with, persons who speak no english. Mom is aware enough that she would surely be bored at the least, and miserable at best. I need a somebody who will come here. Like I said, I just need to bite the bullet and make calls until I find one. > I absolutely do understand how you feel. Last year we were going to go on > a little (much needed) vacation and had it all set up that Ida was going to > go to a respite nursing facility. Everything was all arranged. The only > thing was we couldn't bring ourselves to do it. We forfeited one ticket > and I went to visit my daughter alone, while Peter stayed home with his mom. At least you got to go :)! > I thought it was OK at the time. Now I realize that just like children, > they need to get accustomed to having other people look after them from time > to time, or you will foster the very kind of dependency that will ultimately > be bad for her, especially if you are the only one doing it. I think I have already fostered that. Unwittingly. Thinking I was saving money or something. Or pleasing my dead father. > You might consider that if you got sick, or had any kind of an emergency and > you had NO other plans in place and your mom wasn't used to seeing another [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > others you get involved in her care now, the better it will be for her later > on when she does ultimately need further care than you can give her. She wants to go with me whenever I leave the house. She walks, shaky, but she wants to GO. She used to like to read, but no more. Hates the TV. So she wants to GO all the time. I figure if I have someone here, she is still going to want to leave with me. I gotta do it though, I AM going to get sick just from being stuck here all the time, and stress. She still enjoys church, and going out to eat also. > Just my take on it..... > We live in Brownsville Texas, and so far, all of the daycare places I have > checked into, are staffed with, and populated with, persons who speak no > english. I don't understand how you could live there and not speak Spanish? Well, yo hablo, pero Mama no .... > > We live in Brownsville Texas, and so far, all of the daycare places I have > > checked into, are staffed with, and populated with, persons who speak no > > english. > > I don't understand how you could live there and not speak > Spanish? We're in the Tucson area, so Spanish speaking care workers are popular here too. All kidding aside, we did have quite a problem with it when my grandmother was in the hospital last fall. She was raised in a time / place where it was very important to LEARN ENGLISH (they are immigrants). After saying things to the one girl in the hospital like "you need to learn English", and who knows what else she said when we were not there - you all know the manners went out the door at the first stages of this disease - we found that girl would not really go out of her way to answer the call button, or help with anything. She just basically showed up, handed Grandmom pills, and left, there ceased to be any talking on her part. We talked to the hospital about it, and although they were going to "handle" it but they were terribly short staffed, etc, etc. It is horrible to think it, but who knows what that girl would have done had there been an emergency and she was the only one working that section at the time. She did come home from the hospital though speaking perfectly fluent Slavish, which she hasn't spoken in 30 years. :> Luckily we have since switched back to English. Sharon Thanks for the smile Sharon. When I was working 12's in the hospital, the people were so very patient with my attempts to communicate in Spanish. I truly am barely bilingual and have burned up Amazing energy and effort getting that way. I know how bright I am otherwise, so I don't like to throw rocks at people who can't/won't learn english. Many of them understand quite a bit, but are ashamed to try and speak with their limited abilities. People who say that others should "learn" something ought to have to walk a mile in the other persons' shoes...... I found that when I was willing to TRY to speak, with my limited skills, they did the same, with great good humor..... Mostly. There are those, of course, who are determined to have an attitude no matter what. > We're in the Tucson area, so Spanish speaking care workers are popular here > too. All kidding aside, we did have quite a problem with it when my grandmother [quoted text clipped - 14 lines] > > Sharon > > We live in Brownsville Texas, and so far, all of the daycare places I have > > checked into, are staffed with, and populated with, persons who speak no > > english. > > I don't understand how you could live there and not speak > Spanish? The same way people can live in Brownsville* and not speak English. *(Or Houston, Dallas, Los Angeles, New York....) Oh yeah, and There Is That. I am not bothered by Uni-lingual people of any sort, it was horribly hard for me to become even barely fluent in Spanish, I am not a person who learns languages easily. I do, however, have a 4.0 average in all my sciences and maths from college. To go with my 2.0 in Spanish.... > > > We live in Brownsville Texas, and so far, all of the daycare places I > have [quoted text clipped - 7 lines] > > *(Or Houston, Dallas, Los Angeles, New York....) > Thank you for responding to my post. I realized after posting it that what > I really need is the "oomph" to change some things rather than actual > directions (grin). I have been dragging my feet about finding help because > I hate changes, but I am not sure how much more of this I can do without > getting myself ill. I don't trust anyone to take proper care of Mom. You'll have to eventually, there comes a point where one person *cannot* properly look after an Az patient 24x7,and if you make yourself ill, then someone else will take over anyway. As Evelyn says, start getting it in place now whilst its not an emergency because you certainly wont be ina position to choose her care arrangements when it is one. > I lurked here enough to know that I can find help from the local Alz support > groups, or at least find out who to ask for help. I have phone numbers. I > actually called some of them last time Mom was sick. I even had one lady > who was going to come and help on a Friday one time, but I would have had to > change some appts. and did not want to do it. It is like I am paralysed to > change anything. But I am getting SO tired. I am afraid that... > 1) Mom is going to raise a fit about it if I am not around. She might, you'll have to tolerate that. You have needs as well as her. If she was a 2 year old, would you let her dictate thinsg to thisextent? I suggest you should be thinking in that frame of mind. FWIW, my father hated going to day care, but when he came back from it, he immediately forgot he'd been. Your mother will get over it, you *deserve* some respite, and if you dont get it, both you and your mother will suffer.. > 2) "Someone" is going to make her miserable because she only wants Me > around. They might, you'll have to tolerate that. You have needs as well as her. > 3) I am not going to be able to relax anyway, with worrying about what will > be waiting for me at home. You'll get used to it, it will improve your quality of life and enable you to cope better when you are there. What do you think might be waiting if you have found a good carer? > 4) "Someone" will steal, or actually hurt her. Unlikely if you take the time now, while its not an emergency, to pick her care arrangements. Plus, with only one person to look after her, the odds she will come to harm will increase, because *you* cant watch her 24x7. There have been numerous stories here of Az patients doing very dangerous things when carers turned their back for a moment. SignatureTumbleweed Remove my socks for email address You make a good point about the dangerous things. She has fallen while I was asleep already a couple of times. Still. My friends mother is in a very good nursing home, and she has fallen at night also, and not been discovered for about the same amount of time that Mom was ..... I also hate to spend the money, but yeah, I need to move along here and just do it. > > Thank you for responding to my post. I realized after posting it that > what [quoted text clipped - 49 lines] > There have been numerous stories here of Az patients doing very dangerous > things when carers turned their back for a moment. Lesanne Been there, done that, felt the heart hurt. And I have to say sometimes that I think what might be needed is to go up to "The Discovery Channel", and draft R. Lee Ermey, Marine of "Mail Call" fame to don shining armor, polish up his jeep, and charge to all the folks who are suddenly faced with the terrible facts of this disease. But there is no magic cure, there is no knight in shining armor. I wish the hell there was, pardon my language. All there is, and all you have got is the experience you can find here, from folks who have been there and done that. And, we try to share it. A lot of it you might not want to hear. I know I did not want to hear, I said a long time ago, "No Way", until I had to deal with it.\ Amd that was an ugly learning experience. We all share, what we can, even if the sharing is a bitter brew. (Okay, so I am a writer, and I get poetic) And eventually, you are tasked with so many bitter questions. But, I say to you, face the questions and answer them honestly, out of love, for the person inflicted of this disease. Even though the answers may be hard, ask yourself, what is best for them, and then for you, and the people you love. Learn here, from those who have been there, and done that, what we can share. Maybe, what you hear, will ease your pain and help you face the hard decisions. You are not alone, you are never alone. Paul > Thank you for responding to my post. I realized after posting it that what > I really need is the "oomph" to change some things rather than actual [quoted text clipped - 26 lines] > I guess I just need a place to vent where someone knows. I remember you and > Ida from lurking before, and I remembered you know whats up. Thanks. Hi Lesette, One thing that has helped me in many instances, was to ask myself what Ida would have wanted when her mind was still functional. I know for a fact that she never wanted to burden anyone and it would have mortified her no end to think that she would inconvenience anyone. Many times that gave me the strength to do what had to be done. She was a proud person and she has always felt wanted here because we DID have some respite with the daycare and our neighbor who sat occasionally, and our patience had a chance to regenerate itself. Had we not, I doubt we could have maintained our patience! You can't listen to a person too much, whose mind isn't functioning enough to be able to grasp the full implications of the situation. It would be like letting a small child decide what was good for them or not. They wouldn't go to school or eat healthy food or anything. So you cope the best way you can and act in a manner that you know they would have wanted you to, if they were fully cognizant. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say it is because it has to be that way! We always did our best to placate Ida and to make her feel comfortable if it was at all possible. But when it came to going to daycare and having someone stay with her, we realized that WE were going to go crazy if we didn't do it, and she was going to decline at a faster rate from not using her mind. She groused and complained about going to daycare like you can't believe, but it was very good for her and we MADE her go. Fortunately where I live there is a very good daycare center where the caregivers speak English and they all really like the clients very much. I know she enjoyed herself there, because I saw it many times when I went to pick her up. They all (the caregivers there) hugged and kissed her like she was a little kid. Ida just ate it up! They went on boat rides on the Hudson river, had picnics, had lunch in a diner from time to time, had entertainers come and perform, had school children come in, and pets come to visit the old folks, did crafts, colored pictures, strung beads...... too many activities to list here. I would ask her what she did that day and she never even remembered going!!!!! But all of that was to keep her mentally active as long as possible. If I were to listen to her wishes, all she would have done is sat on the couch all day in front of the TV getting more depressed than she already was. She would have been in a nursing home a long time ago. Even if she didn't remember being active and entertained and kept busy all day, I am sure it helped enormously to keep her functioning as long as she has been. She ate better, slept better and kept her English skills up, as well as getting exercise and mentally stimulated each day. It is a very painful switch to suddenly become the BOSS who calls all the shots with your PARENT!!! Peter and I had a deal; He did the tough guy stuff, because she loved him and would listen to him as a man, and as her son. Fortunately it worked out OK. SignatureEvelyn (To reply to me personally, remove sox) Ha. If my Mom knew she was going where she is, she would have taken up skydiving without a parachute. She was the most independent person I have ever known. She Still hates to take a helping hand in and out of the car, and up stairs and things. Tells me "go to hell" and swats at me. Frankly, that is easier to deal with than her being nice, I have rarely seen that side of her. People joke that she treats me so much better than she did. I have always been a tomboy sort, to her Emily Post personality. I have a lot of patience. And I take her places all the time, because I am Used to working as a nurse. Still. Since we are not sleeping all that well now, and I am getting tired of being with her so much, I do need a break, yes, for her sake too. Lesanne > Hi Lesette, > [quoted text clipped - 57 lines] > and would listen to him as a man, and as her son. Fortunately it worked > out OK. Thanks Paul, and you are poetic. > Lesanne > Been there, done that, felt the heart hurt. [quoted text clipped - 52 lines] > > I guess I just need a place to vent where someone knows. I remember you and > > Ida from lurking before, and I remembered you know whats up. Thanks. > I am afraid that... > 1) Mom is going to raise a fit about it if I am not around. [quoted text clipped - 3 lines] > be waiting for me at home. > 4) "Someone" will steal, or actually hurt her. yep, you need to learn to let go, and let someone else do some of the work. it will do her no good at all if you burn out, get sick, and are unable to help her. you don't want to start using outside help in a crisis, you want to do it *before* one. |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2009 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.