Hi Everybody,

I cannot tell you how much it meant to me to read all your replies.   I know
I have got to do this, and it isn't easy, but it is for the best and I may
finally get my life back in the end.   I certainly don't mind coming to
visit Ida regularly, knowing someone else is taking care of her day to day
needs, instead of being the responsible party to deal with every bump in the
night and every toileting mishap.

I have always told the truth here, and the sad truth is that Ida and I were
never really close before she got sick.   She only liked "the first wife"
and so I never really had a chance in her book.

I used to tell my husband that she had no idea what she had turned away
from, since I am deadly loyal to family and to those who are close to me.

I have been married to Peter for 22 years and we were together for about 4
years before that.   All during that time Ida was dead set against me, and
only barely civil to me when we were in contact.   There were times when
even her own friends were shocked into silence by some of the mean things
she said to me.   But when the chips were down and she had no one else, and
the friends all said "you had better DO something"  it was me who told my
husband that we should take her in.   I don't regret that decision.

Way back when we had to make an appearance a couple of times a year for
"dinner with mom" I used to get sick at the thought, and worry about it for
days in advance.   I suffered through each and every one of those dinners,
while she made mean spirited and snide remarks whenever she had the chance.
She was not a good mother in law by anyones reckoning.

But during the last few years and this time she has lived with us, I felt
there was some sort of a healing thing going on spiritually.   I put aside
my own anger because this was a human being who was in deep trouble and who
was very sick.    There are few human beings who don't respond to genuine
kindness, and Ida has been no exception.    The mean old Ida died a few
years ago, and the Ida of the last three years has no relation to that
person.   I somehow don't connect the individual who is here with us now in
any way with the mean Ida from years ago.

I know that sounds very strange, but it is the absolute truth.   Of all the
people who post here I think there are probably a lot of different belief
systems represented.   Most of you know that I am a Tibetan Buddhist.   For
my part, I believe that we live many lifetimes and that there is a system of
debt and reward called "karma" that creates the circumstances of our lives.
I feel "right" somehow, about having taken care of Ida all this time, and I
really and truly have given her kindness and caring and peace in this three
years, and it hasn't been contrived or out of a sense of duty or because
anyone said I had to, but has been completely natural.   Like some cosmic
thing falling into place..... some sort of a cosmic "click"

So even in this rotten illness there has still been something right and good
that has come about from it.

I think it is something we should all think about no matter what our
spiritual inclination is... that everything works itself out all right in
the end even if it appears to "suck" on the surface.   Some people believe
it is a part of a giant cosmic plan, and others believe there is sense in
the randomness of it all.   Whichever it is, it has been a good thing having
her here, but at this point her illness honestly has gone beyond our
abilities to care for her at home.   It is as simple as that.

I need to get my own health in order and get back to the business of keeping
my own life going again.   I use a signature line in my emails but didn't
use it anymore on newsgroups.   For today I am going to stick it back on.