Greg,

Have you taken your Mom to see a neurologist yet?  It sounds to me
like she needs a full workup for dementia by a doctor that specializes
in geriatric disorders.  If I recall correctly, you do not have a
proper diagnosis yet (forgive me if you have).  Remember that you have
a memory of the daily wars you engage in; your Mother may not.

Take care,
Darryl.

I try to stay happy and carefree about it all but sometimes it is just more
than I can smile through.  I am definitely responding to the stress.  On
March 18th it will be a full year of this intense caregiving.  I hope Mom
and I can hold on.

Greg, then its time to look ahead with flinty eyed realism, and start
making some plans. The operating phrase that you need to instill in
your head is "this is as good as it gets - and it gets worse, much
worse." And, the relentless slide can take years, particularly if the
person is otherwise relatively healthy. My MIL survived about 6 years
beyond the point your mother is in now.

I'm not saying you need to do anything to change the situation today,
but you do have to figure out what's next so you are ready. You are
very unlikely to be able to keep on keeping on "with the you at work,
her at home alone" idea much longer, and before it comes to crisis,
have a plan ready to implement - because that is much less stressful
than having to scramble in the middle of a mess.

Figure out your options, do your research, call local agencies, find
out about programs, facilities, for hire caregivers, costs, ideas,
alternatives. Go look at various places and programs. Plan for the
worst case, and then be pleasantly surprised if things plateau for a
while.

I think its particularly difficult for a son looking after a mother
alone, since before too long, toileting, hygiene and dressing issues
will rear their ugly heads - plus a loss of a sense of modesty and
social appropriateness. My husband used to be completely moritified
when his mother began to pull her shirt up and adjust her bra, reach
her hand up under her skirt to yank at her underwear, wipe her nose on
her sweater etc. - and that was only about 1/3 into the illness. He
could no more have given her a bath than flown to the moon.

You also might want to consider that your mother will loose her
ability to learn and adapt, so moves now are often easier on them then
later. A good assisted living facility might actually be something
she'd really enjoy, if for no other reason than having people to talk
to and things to do during the day. Many people really blossom when
they are no longer isolated and alone at home. There are also many
places that offer graduated care, so a person can start off relatively
independent and have the care ramp up as they need it. You could spin
a place like that as just a great seniors apartment place with fun
social programs.

Alzheimers is so different than other diseases. With most illnesses,
the time line for needing intense care is relatively short - and the
time when things look bleak and hopeless is also relatively short.
With Alzheimer's, not only can it go on for years and years, but the
very best you can hope for a brief plateau - i.e. there is no
miraculous cure, no reversal, nothing but gradually sliding down,
down, down. It forces you to really be realistic about what you can
handle, and look at the bigger picture - you have to be able to
distinguish between what you wish you could do, and what you really
can do, and base plans on the latter. No one benefits if the caregiver
can't cope or do the job adequately - your mother needs you in one
piece.

So, start thinking about your alternatives - if not a move, than
something other than leaving her alone and unsupervised during the
day. Don't be naive - and don't find out she's past the point that
this is safe by getting a call that there has been an accident or some
other disaster (fires, floods, letting strangers in, getting into
pills, cleansers, appliances, getting lost, falls etc. etc.)

Mary G.

Eddyjean

I ,for one, would appreciate it if you could stop your spewing hate of
our  gov't  with
every post.

We caretakers have enough hate for AD  & the predicament it leaves us in
without your adding to it..  I do not see where you feel you are in any
way helping  us get thru this by reminding us of things some  may
already feel..  
I know when I feel  particularly angry I would like to stamp my feet,
while saying it's not fair, yada yada, yada  jump up and down like
Rumplestiltskin etc-----OR---whatever----
I have at times been tempted to vent ,,,BUT---- please !!!!! don't add
to our frustration.
Florence

sorry if I sound mean again