I'm here  - - I've read Paul's letter and your comments, Evelyn.
Strange timing.  I spent a couple hours with a good friend (who
happens to be a retired nurse) this afternoon and she gave me some
suggestions - - and support.

I just got off an hour long conversation with my brother.  Oh Lord,
I've been crying for the last half hour.  He told me how much my
parents need me.  How he is doing well (financially) as is my sister
(only because she married someone with some money).  He said I have no
plans, no retirement (to speak of) and I'm 52.  That taking care of my
parents would set me up for life.  Apparently they have money.  I know
they're comfortable but I  have never known their finances.

Now not only do I feel guilty for complaining, I feel like a big loser
who has *nothing* and if I agree to stay with my parents I have the
horrible feeling I'm being paid to care for them.  And children
shouldn't have to be paid, should they?

But he's right, I have no job (since being laid off last month) - - no
a shiney future, and maybe I should just get over it and feel grateful
that I might not have to live on social security.

My brother said he would guarantee my mother makes her March 3rd
doctor's appointment (even though my father said she won't).  I guess
I just have to decide if I can hang in here for a couple more weeks
and see what happens then.

Paul, what became of your parents?  You were so right about your
mother becoming mindless.  That's how I feel my father is.  Do you
think when Alzheimer patients cry and fight and say they are
physically hurting, they really are?  I mean, is there something in
the back of her brain that's registering all this?  I would like to
think that if she's not responsible for her actions then maybe she's
not aware of her feelings?  Does that make sense?

I really need some advice.  I can't believe how this has caused such
pain to everyone in the family.  I know, I'm only one in a million who
is dealing with this, but I sure feel alone.

Thanks for your prayers and support.

Daphne

Kay
You asked what the result of my efforts was.  I don't get on line much
and I think both you and Daphne need to hear this.  And I agree that
Daphne needs to make her own decisions.  All I can try to do is share
what I experienced with her.
I saw things going wrong, realized that intervention was needed, made the
calls, because it was a situation way wrong.
Bullying.
Kay, you were not there, towards the end I was afraid to go home.  Mom
was irrational, Dad was both irrational and violent.  I would go home and
spend several days, taking sick leave from work.  And I honestly was not
sure I would wake up, or I would have to deal with a violently irrational
parent who "should" have serious intervention, and not that I did not try
to get it.  I still went home, and I used all the resources I could find,
and the rest of the family pulled the "bully" on me.
You were not there.  You were not the one calling the doctors, begging
them to talk to you.  And being ignored.
Dad was becoming violent and I tried my best to get officialdom involved
because I realized that this was a situation far beyond my ability to
handle.
At the time, my vehicle was a '74 Dodge Powerwagon pickup. And, weird
though it may sound, when her tranny went, it may have actually saved
me.  I could not afford to fix it and I could no longer drive to my
parents.
Not that it meant much, I still got calls from dad demanding this or
that, threatening suicide or to dump mom, and every time I got one of
those calls, I gave a call of my own to the local 9-1-1, or the State
elder abuse line, described the situation.
I knew this was a bad situation, far beyond what could be resolved by
just a care giver.
Think abut those kind of calls.  I know they are cries for help, but
those cries need help from a much higher level than I could provide.
Kay, I tried my best.  But we are talking major intervention here, the
kind that needs professional conselling.  We are talking the point where
someone needs help and must admit it to, and seek it for themself.
And finally, after Mom died, Dad stuck a rifle in his mouth and pulled
the trigger.  It was loaded with rat shot, so he survived, but I thought,
forgive me, thank god, finally, finally, someone is going to listen to
me, realize something bad is happening, and I had the State involved, I
was talking to social workers and case workers, trying to get him the
help he needed.
Then he disappeared, literally.  He was signed out of the hospital by his
brother and jsut dropped of the map. The state could not find him, I did
not know where he was.  It all went for nothing.
Kay, what do you want or expect?  I had done my best, I have gone from a
cash only life style to over my head in debt, my beloved nearly thirty
year old truck is worn out, I can not afford to fix it.
And then, after the rest of the family has finally fought so long among
themselves and been run off and I am finally beginning to get somewhere
in actually getting help for folks I love, I get short circuited yet
again.
Dad kept trying to dangle "inheritance" over me, and I kept telling him,
"inheritance" can not replace him, or mom.  I loved them, no amount of
money could ever replace them.
Kay, think about this carefully.  I have problems, those years left me
with mental and emotional scars that I am doing my best to deal with.
Every pay check I try to pay a little bit more than I have to, to try to
pay down the debt.  My dear old truck is gone,  I replaced it with a
lovely little '95 station wagon I managed to scrape together barely
enough to pay cash for.  I am fighting back as best I can.
I am not trying to bully anyone.  I have "Been There" and "Done That" and
I know how much it really hurts.
I am giving people honest advice based on what I went through and how
much it hurt.
You asked a question, you got an answer.  I got short circuited at every
turn, for feel good happy answers that did little more than slap a fresh
coat of paint over a deeply rooted problem.  And Kay, yes, believe me
that I do have a very clear understanding personally of the impact and
experience of the kind of intervention that was really required can
have.  Been there, done that, you don't want to see me on
anti-depressaants or anti-anxity meds.... "Somebody grab a butterfly net
quick!  Paul is about to pass overhead!"
Guess why I get more than a bit nuts.  Guess why I say, and try to share
my views on things that are not happy.  I have seen the hurt and pain and
lived through it.
I am thinking of the Caregiver, and the AD loved one, and the rest of the
family, and I am saying that the Caregiver needs time and life.  The
Caregiver needs to keep involved, keep living, needs respite.
Not making much sense, another bad weekend.
I would try to say that, if some drugs of whatever type, can keep an AD
victim to the point where he, or she can still participate in life, can
go out, enjoy, even at the level of a child, it is good.  If they can
help both the patient and the caregiver to continue with life, to enjoy
life.
Like I said, bad week, probably not making sense.
I am just trying to share where I have been, hoping that it will be like
a watershed, where a new caregiver will hear, think, learn, won't get
over their head, won't hurt.  Will be able to succeed where I was not
able to.

My apologizes to the folks here

Paul