 |
 | Home | Contact Us | FAQ | Search & Site Map | Link to Us |
 | Sign In | Join | Other 45 Sites in Network |
Medical Forum / Diseases and Disorders / Alzheimer's / December 2004need chearing up
Hi all Just got back from a nasty visit to my granddads, it wasnt him but his son(my real father) and his wife. It got really ugly, but then it always has so i avoid them, but around my granddad i wont stand for it, my granddad stuck up for me and would do to the death, i really so much wanted to hit my real dad and his wife, she was pure evil and told me to keep out of his life, they accused me of stealing ?18,000 over the past couple of years etc, i found out months ago he was losing money, and that they took over his finaces, my real father admitted he was no good as a father to me and he hated me, that wasnt new, but to throw it up infront of my granddad was horrible, his wife is much worse, granddad said i was his grandson and could do anything he wanted for me and i was looking after him and they should be nice to me. They said all i wanted was his car, which isnt true as i have my own and my granddads car isnt worth much, but in great condition for age and type and reliable. They said i should stand on my 2 own feet, ok yes i have always let my granddad do things, he likes gardening, diy etc and i hate it, hes still fit and strong and happy too, they said i was a burden to him and my late nan, it was always them who bailed me out, like when i lived abroad and had everything stolen it was them who sent cash over, and arranged a flight for me, even picked me up with my nan having made sandwiches and a flask of tea, other times too as i was growing up but that taught me the value of family. My real father hasnt seen his grandkids, i dont want him too, i dont if he knows but he hasnt mentioned that in years. I have litterally fought my father before, many years ago and it was my granddad who dragged me off, i think i was about 21 and finnaly found out the truth about the legal stuff when i was a kid and my grandparetns got legal custody of me and he was glad to get rid of me. My granddad is the most wonderful man in the world, thats just not me saying that but everyone who knows him, i just feel like im letting him down. I have come to one decision tonight, im selling all my animals, and all the hobby stuff i have collected over the years so he can move in in a instant should that be soon. Sorry about rambling on, tonight i have been through the hatered, crying part and needed to get it off my chest. I know a lot of you were worried that it seemed a while ago i was drinking a lot, well on teh way home i called in at the supermarket for some dog food and walked right by the booze, was tempted must admit, but thats not the way to help my granddad. Oh, when i picked the dog up this afternoon granddad was telling me how they had a nice walk in the park in the morning, Arthur loves a paddle in the stream and barking at other dogs. Hope everyone is ok. Sounds like a nasty evening all around, Julian, but good for you for realizing you need to keep yourself sober and together for your granddad. Hope tomorrow is a better day. Songbird > Hi all > > Just got back from a nasty visit to my granddads, it wasnt him but his > son(my real father) and his wife. Julian, that must have been hard on you and your granddad. Sorry you had to go through it. So proud of you for passing up the booze; you are right, that isn't the way to help your granddad. Gwen  Signature============================================================= A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash. ============================================================= | Hi all | [quoted text clipped - 48 lines] | | Hope everyone is ok. I'm new to all this .. I take it your grand has alz. good vent though you had. Hope it made you feel better. Life's rough as we see but .. however .. .. ok .. I'm not in alz stage YET .. or am i??? rambling .. thinking about spongebob but NO .. I'm ok .. you are too. thx for the post. Just Remember that glass .. half .. uh .. half .. oh .. half full OR .. half .. : ( empty > Hi all > [quoted text clipped - 48 lines] > > Hope everyone is ok. Dear Julian, I felt so bad for you when I read this post, and I really sympathize, since my father was a mean person, much like yours when he was younger. Julian I hate to say this, but if your Dad is such a miserable human being, stay away from him. He isn't going to change. Stay strong for your granddad, he is your REAL family. He is going to be needing you more as time goes on. Those whose parent(s) have been rejecting, hateful, negative or angry often have a hard time trying to make others understand just what life has been like with such people. It is a constant struggle, and you find yourself apologizing for your very existence. You can't win no matter what you do. You end up in tears and angry with them, angry with yourself, and worse with every contact! The awful emotional upheaval and aftermath can last for days afterwards. Believe me I know. They are NEVER going to suddenly change and become loving, caring parents who support and love you. Separate yourself from them in any way you can. Don't even let yourself think of them as someone you can go to for comfort, for a single minute, because they can't even grant you the space to live, much less to comfort you or help you or even to treat you with simple fairness. It is a rotten deal, but it is the truth. You have to be strong and you need to find ways to comfort yourself, support yourself, and make your own life happy and good. If that means staying away from cruel and unkind people, so be it. Be around only people who are good to you and who respect you. Make your own family life and your own support system. Make your own holidays and make your own way. Your father is not worth even one single tear you shed over him. Take care of your grandfather the best you can, but avoid your father at all costs. It is very hard to try and be strong even for a day when there has been a lifetime of rejection for all the time before. Nobody understands why it is that some parents can be so cruel or rejecting to their children, and you aren't going to be the one to solve that mystery either. No matter what happens, don't hit anyone. You would end up in jail and you could be no help to your grandfather and you don't deserve to have that happen over such a father. Walk away and go someplace else if you even feel you might get that angry. All you have gained in your own self respect and strength can be lost in one moment. Just walk away. You are a good person and you love your Granddad. That is what you need to tell yourself, and to do the best you can for him in any way he needs you to do. He is your REAL family. Stay away from people who have no good will towards you. Find people who DO care about you, and make your life with them. Believe me, I know what I am talking about. SignatureEvelyn (To reply to me personally, remove sox) > > Hi all > > [quoted text clipped - 4 lines] > > granddad i wont stand for it, my granddad stuck up for me and would do to > > the death... <snip> > Dear Julian, > [quoted text clipped - 5 lines] > Stay strong for your granddad, he is your REAL family. He is going to be > needing you more as time goes on. George Burns used to say that Happiness is a large, warm, loving family.... living in another state. I have one sister who complains that our father is so distant to her - but I see him literally cringe when she phones, because every call from her is an attempt to make him feel guilty and to try to wheedle money out of him. And actual family get-togethers are worse - several hours of watching Sis sulk or try to pick a fight with her husband. Dad just tries to avoid dealing with her, meaning I'm the one who has to put off her suggestions of visits (which she only makes when she's really desperate for money and figures face-to-face might work where phone calls failed). My sister occasionally offers to help with Dad, since she lives only about 90 minutes away, to give me some time off. But the reality is I first of all cannot count on her - the last time I took her up on an offer of help because I needed an extra set of hands for something, she arrived four hours late, spent another hour on a leisurely lunch, and then had plans for later in the day that meant she could only stay another 90 minutes! And secondly, I can't imagine leaving her to 'babysit' our father, because I know it would turn into her subjecting him to her guilt-trip pleas for money. The really frustrating thing about that kind of family, at least for me as a caregiver for my father, is of having the burden of those relatives without getting back the support you're supposed to get from family. When I think about the future, and the approaching day when my father really won't be able to be left alone for any length of time, I am really bothered by the realization that when/if Dad has to go into a nursing home or assisted living facility, it will probably be less because his physical needs and/or mental decline are beyond my ability to care for him day-to-day, but because I can't count on the one family member living within easy driving distance to step in and give me the occasional weekend off to recuperate. -- Robert > > > Hi all > > > [quoted text clipped - 56 lines] > -- > Robert Robert, You can't count on them, it is clear. Better to make some nice quiet connection with a person you can pay for the privilege of staying with your dad. We have our next door neighbor, thank goodness.... and she has been our lifesaver. Ida is none the wiser. She thinks the "neighbor lady" is just here because she likes her and is hanging around to visit with her. I have NO idea what we would have done without her. The former director of the local daycare center here, has formed a business with another woman and they are in the caregiving business. They can arrange to have the same person come to ones home each time, to take care of your loved one so there isn't a bunch of strangers walking in and out. I just spoke to this lady the other day after our Alzheimer support group meeting. Maybe there is something similar in your area? They also told me of a big old victorian home where the woman takes just 5 Alzheimer patients at a time and no more. The lady has all the help she needs, takes only Alzheimer patients, and she gets $5000 a month to take care of someone. It is a home like atmosphere and supposedly the best sort of situation. Of course they don't take medicaid, just private pay. With an income of $25 G's a month, it sounds like a helluva deal. We are investigating all these different avenues right now as you know..... but there ARE resources to look into when your Dad gets worse, down the road a bit. You need to keep on digging. There is stuff out there for us, and there are people who will work privately doing home care. SignatureEvelyn (To reply to me personally, remove sox) > They also told me of a big old victorian home where the woman takes just 5 > Alzheimer patients at a time and no more. The lady has all the help she > needs, takes only Alzheimer patients, and she gets $5000 a month to take > care of someone. It is a home like atmosphere and supposedly the best > sort of situation. Of course they don't take medicaid, just private pay. > With an income of $25 G's a month, it sounds like a helluva deal. well, i'm sure they have relatively high personnel costs, and i'll bet you would be shocked at their insurance bill! i know the group home operator just down the street here, with room for 6 patients, and she said that insurance was her single biggest *fixed cost* --- bigger than the mortgage. > > They also told me of a big old victorian home where the woman takes just 5 > > Alzheimer patients at a time and no more. The lady has all the help she [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > 6 patients, and she said that insurance was her single biggest > *fixed cost* --- bigger than the mortgage. I hadn't thought of that, Dennis.... yes, insurance probably is their biggest expense. I am sure that it is a big expense for nursing homes too. SignatureEvelyn (To reply to me personally, remove sox) ... > > The really frustrating thing about that kind of family, at least for > > me as a caregiver for my father, is of having the burden of [quoted text clipped - 8 lines] > > living within easy driving distance to step in and give me the > > occasional weekend off to recuperate. ... > Robert, > [quoted text clipped - 16 lines] > > Maybe there is something similar in your area? Thanks Evelyn. From the local AD caregivers' support group meetings, I got the name of one company that will send people out for daily care services, and one woman in the group hires a couple of women to come help out during the week (frankly, I think her husband belongs in a facility - she described him sometimes being violent and having to be restrained in his wheelchair). But they couldn't provide any local resources for regular caregivers to come in the way we've described. Dad's sister has several times said she thinks he would benefit from going to some sort of senior's 'daycare,' both to give me a break from being 'on-call' all the time, but also for the mental stimulation of being out and doing things. But the only local adult daycare is in a nursing home (and I had VERY bad reports of that nursing home from people at the local AD group) - and my aunt and sister and I all agree that my father would react very badly to suggestions he spend time a couple of days a week in a nursing home - that he would see it as us trying to get him used to the idea of being in a nursing home, in preparation for moving him into it. -- Robert http://www.zared.com/Regional/North_America/United_States/Washington,_DC/Health/ Adult_Daycare/ > Dear Julian, > [quoted text clipped - 52 lines] > > (To reply to me personally, remove sox) I havent really seen in often in 33 years, he did sort of try and make up in 96 when i invited him for my BD, didnt last long, i was lucky that i had a great nan and granddad, some people dont even have that much family. its been going on long enough for me to be used to it, and not really give it a second thought or lose sleep over it, but when my granddad is involved or upsets him then that really gets me going. I even tried getting close to my stepbrother years ago, same father diff mother but that didnt work out, im so gratefull i have had the greatest grandparents anyone could wish for, i have made, and sure i will make mistakes again, but i know the value of trust and compassion for people from my nan, to lower myself to my real fathers level wouldnt be respectful of my nan, so i wont. Thanks Evelyn, if i go a bit mad again i give you permission to give me a virtual smack on the backside :-) > Thanks Evelyn, if i go a bit mad again i give you permission to give me a > virtual smack on the backside :-) We have a deal, Julian... (grinning) SignatureEvelyn (To reply to me personally, remove sox) |
Reply to this Message |
 Sign In
 Join
 My Latest Posts My Monitored Threads My Blog My Photo Gallery My Profile My Homepage Start New Thread Enable EMail Alerts Rate this Thread
|
©2009 Advenet LLC Privacy Policy - Terms of Use
This website includes both content owned or controlled by Advenet as well as content owned or controlled by third parties.