Robert, I know you were irritated, exasperated, and just downright upset
about your dad deciding he had to have it today, and then it not working
right.  But hope you won't let this ruin Christmas for you.  Remember the
reason for the season and have some joy anyway, please.
 Gwen

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 Christmas gift suggestions: to your enemy, forgiveness; to an opponent,
tolerance;  to a friend, your heart;; to a customer, service;
 to all, charity; to every child, a good example; and to yourself,
respect.

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 | One of those times I feel having my father in early stages of dementia
may
 | be especially trying:
 |
 | My father has a television in his bedroom, a small combination TV/VCR
unit.
 | He's got a satellite receiver in there, and an output from his
computer, and
 | in more lucid days he used to make little slide-show presentations on
the
 | computer and copy them out to videotape, and send them like multimedia
 | Christmas cards.
 |
 | The TV stopped working several weeks ago - I think a minor problem with
the
 | VCR part of it jamming. Dad wanted me to take it in to be repaired - at
the
 | local Radio Shack. The Radio Shack has never repaired televisions, but
he
 | remembers that they do, so insists.  When I finally tell them I called
and
 | asked and they don't fix TVs, but I'll take it to another repair shop,
he
 | goes in his room, calls Radio Shack and tells them he remembers a place
next
 | to them repairs electronics (not wanting to admit to them he
misremembered
 | that they did). When he learns they don't, he decides he doesn't want
it
 | fixed.
 |
 | Instead, he asked me to shop for a new one.  I did, brought him prices,
but
 | he says he's not ready to get a replacement.  Week later - he wants me
to go
 | shop and find out prices again, doesn't remember I already did it,
won't
 | listen to me tell him prices.  Another week - asks me again. I go out,
did
 | happen to find another store carrying one, but otherwise just give him
the
 | prices I already know.  I offer several times to pick it up when I'm
going
 | out - no, he doesn't want it, he'll wait until after-Christmas sales.
 |
 | Last night, he decided he has to have the replacement TV/VCR, and has
to
 | have it today. He hadn't forgotten this idea this morning. When I
suggested
 | Christmas Eve really isn't the most tranquil time to visit Walmart, he
says
 | he will drive in and get it himself (like hell he will!).
 |
 | So I get to go to Walmart (and our Walmart is really poorly run). There
are
 | so many cars there I think I parked somewhere in Oklahoma and hiked
back to
 | the store. Wade through the crowds - and Walmart is out of the combo
 | TV/VCRs!
 | Crowded Target was also out.  Found it finally at the third place,
brought
 | it home.
 |
 | This evening: I set it up; Dad turns it on with the buttons on the set
while
 | I put batteries in the remote and it's getting a local channel just
fine as
 | I leave him to play with it while I go put the box on the living room
floor
 | for the cat to play in and go fill out the warranty registration card.
 |
 | Then the TV turned itself off.  It will come on if it's turned on, but
it
 | turns itself back off after about ten seconds, and the screen is
greened-out
 | for that ten seconds. It isn't either of the problems listed in the
 | troubleshooting section of the guide. Of course, it's too late to do
 | anything about it tonight, or until Friday.
 |
 | So much trouble to get the thing on the least-convenient day, and it
doesn't
 | work.  I really had other things planned for Friday than trying to
compete
 | with everyone phoning the RCA help line to find out what's wrong.  My
sister
 | often asks if there's anything she can do to help - but I bet she'd
think it
 | was absurd if I suggested she come down and spend some time on the
phone
 | trying to get help for this set.
 |
 | Sorry to rant; just frustrated tonight.
 |
 | --
 | Robert
 |
 |
 |

Dear Robert,

Oh my goodness what a frustrating evening you had!

You are too good hearted, Robert.... there is nobody on this entire earth
that could make me go out into the stores on Xmas eve!  Especially the big
ones, like Walmart etc.

Robert, it sounds to me as though you would benefit by reading Mary's post
that I just read this morning.    Your dad is losing his abilities for
rational thinking more every day, but you are behaving as though he is still
perfectly rational because you are just so goodhearted a guy!

You should have told him that the stores are too crowded and that you would
go TV shopping after the holiday.   Or better yet, not tell him anything and
just bring his TV into the shop on your own.   Take it out and just do it.

I bet he would be grateful if you got it fixed for him.   He may have
thought there really was a repair shop next to Radio Shack and doesn't have
a clue where another one is, and it is now too confusing for him to look up
and find a different TV repair shop somewhere else.   Decisions like that
get harder and harder for them.

Remember it is things like that that really tell the tale about their
mounting deficits.   Things that require strings of little decisions that
most of us do without even thinking.

We realized somewhere along the line that asking Ida about things just got
us into a mess.  We just do what needs to be done ourselves and that was the
best way.

At first she was a little surprised that we were so presumptuous as to do
this or that without consulting her, but she quickly acquiesced when it was
too much trouble to argue, and even sometimes was happy that it was done.
We also didn't listen to any arguments about why she didn't want to do this
or that.   It got to the point where her whole life was neglected and some
things just HAD to be done and she wasn't doing them.

This got to be the case with dental care, eyeglasses, hearing aids, medical
exams, legal paperwork, establishing with a new PCP in her health plan,
getting tested for AD, you name it.  She just procrastinated till her life
was in shambles.   There were three broken TV's in her house and she needed
extensive dental work, and just everything was a total wreck in that house.

They get VERY creative about covering up their inability to make decisions,
and some get to acting angry or arbitrary about it.  I am sure your dad was
just totally confused about what to do about the broken TV/VCR and didn't
want to admit that he was.  He doesn't want to admit, especially not to
himself, that he is losing ground.

It may help you to realize that he may NEVER get to the place where he will
"get it" that this is what is happening.   Ida never has, and if she did, it
was only for a moment.   I know you are not a pushy kind of a guy, but this
is going to be the way it is, and at some point you have to start taking the
decision making reins out of his hands.

In our case, a couple of times Peter got angry and told his mother in no
uncertain terms that she was GOING to go to daycare, or to the doctor, and
that was IT!   This was VERY hard for him, since he is also a laid back kind
of a guy, and after all, this was his ONLY parent!   It is a role reversal
that is very very hard to deal with.

It is hardest in the early stages where you are now..... I really feel for
you and what you are going through.

At any rate, I hope you have a good day today.... Merry Christmas!

Oh MY!!! What a frustrating series of events for you....I must say you
are a better person than I am cause there is NO way I would have gone to
those stores on Xmas eve....and then to have gone all thru that and the
dang thing didnt work....with my feelings of anxiety and irritiation at
that level I think that dang  thing would have gone sailing thru the
window...LOL...anyway I hope today is better for you and may I say you
are a good son!!! Kudos to you for trying so hard to please him Boydette

Thanks to everyone for the kind replies to the rant.  The TV finally started
staying on, but we never could get a picture out of it. Dad spent a good bit
of Christmas morning trying to get the TV to work, and was at it again when
I went to bed last night. He was an electronics (radar) specialist in the
Navy and a computer systems analyst in civilian life, and when you combine
the conviction that he knows enough about electronics to fix it if he just
pushes the remote control buttons in the right order, with his inability to
remember what combinations of buttons he's pushed, it can keep him occupied
for a very long time. When I asked why he was doing this when I planned to
return the set in the morning, he angrily explained he was going to provide
RCA with enough information for them to fix it. I told him I had no
intention of explaining his technical analysis to the bubble-gum-chewing
clerk at the Big Lots store, and went to bed with him still staring at the
green screen.

As for his old, broken set - If he remembered that he had declared it
unfixable (a fifty-fifty chance, now), and I got it fixed anyway, he
wouldn't be grateful, he'd be angry at me for proving him wrong.  I'll get
it fixed on my own dime in a few weeks, and stick it in my workshop, to
replace the thrity-year-old B&W set with the missing UHF knob and the
tempermental nature.

I'm beginning to realize that I can take charge and tell him we just have to
do something - but he will go along only if there's some pretext behind the
actions. For example, late last summer, he got it in his head that my nephew
would be coming to live here and go to the local community college, so while
I was gone for a couple of days, he hauled a spare mattress off his bed and
into the living room, and wanted me to buy or build a bed frame for it -
'for when Stephen is here.' Ever since, he's resisted moving it back, coming
up with something he wants to do before we move the mattress back, but
always something he's not ready to do yet (and never something I can take
care of - he goes to a lot of trouble for his excuses).  But yesterday, I
had a pretext - we've got family coming for Christmas dinner - we've got to
move the mattress out of the living room so I can arrange chairs for
everyone. No problem.

Now it's just a matter of becoming better at thinking up pretexts than he is
at thinking up excuses!

--
Robert