you are going through the mourning process.  it's normal.

you may also be suffering from clinical depression.  you might
want to talk to your doctor about trying an antidepressant for a
while.

Dear Becky,

Group: alt.support.alzheimers Date: Tue, Dec 23, 2003, 9:56pm (CST+6)
From: wcpi46@aol.com (WCPI46)
Hello again,
I'm still here, lurking, reading posts. Forgive me that I so seldom
post. This is a particularly hard day for me. I have a cold and couldn't
go see Mom. She was expecting me so I phoned. I knew she would be upset,
and she was. She was a bit confused and didn't know how she'd get home.
I assured her someone would take her there (her room). Then she said if
she could just see me for a few minutes. It broke my heart. And, I
realized that the feelings I have when I can't go see her or no longer
guilt, but sadness. I feel so sorry for her because I remember when I
was in kindergarden the hours seemed so long, and all I wanted was to
see my mom. So, I can empathize with the way she feels. The social
worker told me she (Mom) would think about my not being there for a
while then forget and think about something else. She doesn't know my
mom. Her cognitive abilities are still pretty much intact, and she
watches for me all day on the days that she knows I'm coming. When I'm
there she watches the clock, dreading the time I must leave. But, I do
set a time, and I do leave at that time. She's lonely, she's unhappy,
and she says I am all she has. Which is true. My dad and brother passed
away. She has one estranged brother in Florida, so I'm it. And, I love
my mom so much.

Ronny:
But yet you know if would really be no good if she caught your cold.
That wouldn't be good at all. And even though you couldn't go see her, I
am glad you could call her. :-)

Becky:
If my health were better I'd be more than happy to sit with her all day,
everyday. She's only 1/4 mile from me, and I can take along my word
processor and work on my book. Alas though I am not well.

Ronny:
Try not to get upset over what you can't do. And I could be wrong;but I
doubt you would get all that much work done on your book if you were
sitting with your Mom all day. BTW,curious,
nosy Ronny is wondering what sort of book you are working on? :-)<BG>
It's just I've been a huge reader since I first learned to read. Never
met many books I didn't like either. LoL

Becky:
Anyway, let me wind this up by explaining what I meant in the subject
line. I thought I was so blue and weepy because I felt guilty about not
spending more time with her, but I realize it's sadness. Not exactly
pity, but you know what I mean. I feel sorry for her. I think about her
sitting there in the hall in her wheelchair (she rarely participates in
anything, and she only eats when I'm there - she has a stomach tube
though), and I feel so sorry for her. It breaks my heart. Probably makes
me sicker than I already am, but I can't help it. If I could hire
someone to sit with her I would. OK, I'm going to stop. I've gone on
long enough. Thanks for reading. I keep you all in my thoughts and
prayers.
Becky

Ronny:
Ah,it is natural to feel that sadness;but what concerns me is you may of
gone past that and to depression and that's not good. That I know from
personal experience. I wish I already knew you much better and that
would help me a lot in knowing how to respond;but I don't,so will leave
that part to others who can do a better job of it than me.

One more thing though. :-) It is good you just wrote and posted about
all of this. Getting it out, writing it down and sharing all this does
help a person. Much better than keeping it all bottled up to yourself. I
can't see any good in that way,no good at all. Much better to
talk/write,
post.    

Love,

Ronny