Kerry, what you may not appreciate is that it isn't just her memory
that is affected. She has global brain damage. Her ability to reason
is impacted, her understanding of language, muscular control, visual
perception, emotional control, you name it.

Although she looks like mom and has many of her mannerisms, she is
profoundly and entirely different. You can't continue to expect her to
still be who she was. It's like as though the old mom was heisted and
permanently replaced with a three year old. That isn't to be cruel.
Your mom's ability to understand the conversation, to retain the
logical thread, to get the point, internalize the meaning and project
the required actions etc. Gone. Gone. Gone.

So, consider that you are haranging a pre-schooler about adult
subjects and getting frustrated that she doesn't want to talk about
it. She's not in denial. She's got brain damage and she's doing the
best she can with what her brain will allow. YOU are the person with
the intact brain.

Stop waiting for her to agree with you. That day will never come. She
can't see what you see. She can't understand what is coming. She can't
recognize her own problems, much less see what needs to be done. She
will never give you permission for what you need to do, no matter how
you need to hear it.

Take the car away. Take the keys away. Disable the vehicle. Tell her
some fibs about it needing repairs. Do whatever you need to do to get
her out from behind the wheel. Driving is not a right - it is a
priviledge predicated on being capable of driving. She is brain
damaged. Her emotional control, reaction time, depth perception,
coordination, judgement, reasoning, memory of traffic rules etc. etc.
are all compromised. If you aren't worried about her hurting herself,
think about the children on the sidewalk, the young mother crossing
the street, the middle aged couple in the oncoming car. You will
never, never forgive yourself if your hesitation is the reason she
injures...,or worse..,.KILLS another person. You know what Yoda
says...there is no "try", there is only "do". So stop making half
hearted attempts and get her stopped. Today. Her safety and the safety
of others trumps everything else.

No matter what she does or doesn't do, this is a relentlessly
progressive disease. Make what time she has as happy, and serene as
possible. Love her. Enrich her life. Enjoy her. Do things with her she
can share. Have fun. Laugh. Talk to her about the old days. Look at
old pictures with her. Go for walks.

Stop badgering and pushing. You are accomplishing NOTHING but making
her unhappy, confused and feeling bad about herself. She has a
terminal illness, and who she is will be gone long before her body
gives out. Make every day a good one.

Look after things for her the way a parent would look after a
preschooler. She doesn't need to bother her head about medical
concerns, about research, or treatments or any of what needs to happen
to keep her as safe and healthy as possible. That is for you, other
family members and the doctors to discuss and decide on.

It is no longer about living longer. It's about making what she has
left as positive and joyous as possible.

Mary G.

Hi Kerry,
For the most part I agree with Mary. I do think the toddler
analogy needs clarification. Although our loved ones are like
toddlers they deserve the respect of an adult. A very
difficult line to walk. The "loving deceptions" help in this
aspect. There is an article written by a long ago participant
that might explain the "lying" part of dealing with your Mom.
http://www.muggsmulcher.com/kstuff/a.s.a/articles/pam.htm
Does anyone have power of attorney? She can't make decisions
and someone needs to step up and make some hard decisions.
Hope this helps.
Mare

I guess eah Family has to deal with the way they think is best.
Mother developed symptoms several years ago. We never said anything just
let her enjoy life as best as she could for as long as she could. There
were  several instances of where she said things like I'm going crazy,
in disdraught. We simply said no you're not and comforted her as best we
could. Even in late stages she realized(s) that things are very wrong.
It serves no purpose to increase their anxiety and hoplessness etc.
You will have to find ways to take the keys away from her. They are
integral to her life and she will want to drive for a long while.
From what I've seen they suffer tremendously until late in the disease.
I can't offer any expert opinions of course. I've only been on this
route this one time.
We kept Mother out of a nursing home. She always expressed very strongly
 she was against such things.
We rotated days and nights among 5 children and her Brother staying with
  her and tending to her every need. There came a time when we could no
longer cope and she is an assisted living facility that is as close to
being her home as we could find. She is under Hospsice and it won't be
too long.
The emotions and strain are terrible if you let them take over. Life
goes on and dying is just part of living. All we can do is support her
in every way we can but we cannot make her well or stop the disease or
her inner anguish in the moments of realization.
Godd luck. God be with you all

Kerry, I agree with the other opinions which have been posted.

One thing that is important for you to understand, is that she can't
remember that she can't remember.   You could tell her and a thousand other
people can tell her that she has alzheimers disease, and she won't remember
that anyone has told her.   It isn't her fault, she has brain damage from
the disease.  She isn't trying to hide it, she just can't retain the
information anymore.

The most urgent matter is that you please immediately take away the car keys
or disable the vehicle.   If she is diagnosable, then she isn't capable of
making the split second, well considered decisions that must be made while
driving every day.   She could harm someone and harm herself too.

If she is diagnosable then she is probably having problems with money and in
many other areas of her life.   My mother in law paid her taxes three times!
She couldn't remember that she'd already paid them.   Her checkbook was a
mess.   She was trying so hard to hang on and not doing a good job of it
before my husband and I stepped in to take care of her.

Thanks to those who responded.
I live 350 miles from Mom. So glad that my sister is there now. She is
dealing with the driving. She said last night that she thought Mother
was accepting the fact that she would have to give it up. Mom thinks
the only reason she can't pass the test is because of her vision. OK.
We will go with that.

Kerry

On Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:14:08 -0700 (PDT) in
alt.support.alzheimers, kerry latrece <kerrylatrece@gmail.com>
wrote:

Have her doc send them a letter with a diagnosis and the opinion
that she should not be driving, asking them to cancel her
license.