Hi Diane,

We always say we don't allow any guilt around here.   But of course it
is hard not to feel guilty when our loved one is obviously so
miserable.   I can sympathize with your husband.   He must be a loving
and caring son.   But alzheimers creates a whole new set of
circumstances and demands on relationships.   There is a perfectly
good reason that nursing homes exist.   It is too hard to care for
someone at home with this illness, on top of her other issues.   He
should visit her when he can, but to understand that there isn't any
sense in taking her anywhere else.

Having had one broken shoulder myself, I can only imagine what two
must be like.   My orthopedic doctor told me that the shoulder is the
most painful joint on the body to break.   Your husband might also
want to consider that having painful broken bones would depress one no
matter where they were staying.  As long as the care is good and the
place is clean and decent, it is the best anyone can do.

Like you said, there is no "fixing" alzheimers.   It gets worse, never
better.   She is in need of constant care 24/7 I am sure.   Nobody can
do that at home without breaking themselves in the process both
financially and emotionally.  I am sure when his mother was in her
right mind, she wouldn't want to do that to him or anyone.

The only thing I can offer in the way of encouragement or comfort to
your husband is this;  they ultimately do adjust and somewhat get used
to living in a nursing home.   If my mother in law adjusted, anyone
could.   She was foreign, didn't speak the best english, was fiercely
independent all her life, and never imagined in a million years that
she would be that incapacitated as to require a nursing home.   But
she did get used to it, and we would sometimes come to visit when she
didn't know we were watching, and she was doing fine.

We also told my mother in law that if she got better she could come
home.   We told her she should do whatever the doctors and nurses told
her to do so she could get well.   We didn't consider it lying,
because it was the truth.   If some miracle allowed her to get well,
we would have been overjoyed to take her home.    We told her she was
in a hospital.   I don't know if she ever realized it was a nursing
home.    It looked like a hospital excepting she was in the alzheimers
unit.   In fact that particular nursing home was also a rehabilitation
hospital and people came there to get well from all sorts of surgeries
and illnesses and accidents.   That is of course, excepting for the
alzheimers unit.

It was a little white lie, but maybe your husband could utilize it to
put his mothers mind in a better place for at least as long as she
could remember what he said?

Best Regards,
Evelyn

You may have read or become familiar with my postings, but I cannot help say
what I know for a certainty.   Try to have empathy for your MIL, as nursing
homes are death fields for many, and they cannot express the anguish and
suffering they feel.    I have a dear one (friend) lived with me for 8 years
because her mother could not handle the situation.   There was a friend of
her brothers that loved the girl (who is schizophrenic) who was on
marijuana.   Now you may not believe this.    Stimulants and all
anti-depressants have an uncanny ability to transfer harm from the stimulant
user to an innocent person with whom they have a mind connection in the form
of crohns.   And as an aside this harm continues whether they two or more
persons are in the same room or miles apart.   Only the stimulant and mind
are at work.   No one is aware of the process.
He was affecting me with harm besides the girl, so thinking I wuld do her a
favor (and me) I placed her in a very nice nursing home.   Now the home is
lovely, care is good, food is good, people friendly.    So everything should
be fine?     Well, it would be, if not for the anti-depressants they
prescribe for some residents.   That environment affects the others, and
they sufffer not knowing why.    I am writing this because the situation has
me so despondent (and I would not take an anti-depressant because I know the
harm it does).   I finally got the administrator to place her in a room with
no anti-depressants and even got a doctor to prescribe Ativan to reduce her
stress.    But her condition is deteriorating so quickly, I am beside
myself.   They took away the Ativan, so she is left defenseless.   She was
not physically ill when she left my house, but what she is enduring now is
more than I can bear.   I have pleaded with the administrator to ban the
anti-depressants, to no avail.   She must abide by the psychiatrist, she
says.   I hate the woman with a passion and I could honestly kill her if it
were possible.   She is so hardened to death, she sees it all the time, that
she says "everyone has to die sometime."    We all know that, but not by her
hands.    That is up to G-d to say when.    I cannot believe this is going
on, I suffer right  along with  her.    This is an orthodox Jewish woman
owner and I am Jewish, and it is beginning to color my feelings for the
bribery taking Bastards of my own religion.    The people cry and do not
know what is making them feel so strange.  (One must know the crohns feeling
to understand).
It can affect the body from head to toes, eyes,ears, anything that can be
thought or not thought can happen.    And the workers that are observed
constantly have a bad record of succumbing also to crohns.   But they leave
when they feel ill.    The residents do not have that choice.   I would take
her back, but I am too elderly now and ill much of the time and she likes
being with people.   Which is an advantage for anyone if they were not
sentenced to death by the anti-depressants.     I do not know how to get
this across as anti-depressants are the boom of our time, and earn more
money for the pharms than other medications.    Is there an answer.
Every moment I say to myself "What can I do for Ellen"    Taking away the
medication that helped a little is the last straw.    I do not trust the
administrator anymore.   The anti-depressants should be banned from the
nursing homes, so everyone can be natural and comfortable.   They have
enough to deal with the situation they were admitted for.
If enough people made a fuss like they did for "mercury" and ADHD somebody
might listen.   I live in Chicago, and would appreciate any help I can get.
Strange post, strange illness, strange situation.
Hitler has come alive again with the death camps.
Gail Michael