Hi, Patty,
"She is going to hate it & I am feeling horrible about leaving her there
Friday."
I went through this 2 weeks ago tomorrow.  My mom was so panicky the first
time I visited (which was 3 days later).  I visited her yesterday and in her
state of Alzheimer's really doesn't know where she is.  Mostly, she realizes
it looks like a hospital setting and who knows what goes through her mind.
As for the meals, I think my mom has it in her mind that she's in a
restaurant.  The dining area is very pretty and scenic so if she thinks
she's dining out - that's wonderful!
I've visited 5 times in 13 days.  I didn't go after we placed her for 3 days
so she could adjust a bit on her own.  She's doing much better than I would
have ever believed.  I felt like the worst daughter in the world for having
her placed there but no alternatives were available.  I live 5 minutes from
the facility and can be there in a heartbeat.
Now my concern is that I don't want to take her out to eat or for a ride
because she may not adjust when we return or refuse to go back...
I hope your mother's transition goes well.  We never know what to expect the
next time we go to visit but they are safe and taken care of.
Also, I work in a different nursing facility and chose not to put my mother
there.  First, it's further from my home and secondly, she would be sitting
in the front lobby with her purse in hand ready to go when I leave...<g>
For now I'd say my siblings and I made the right decision.
Best wishes to you and your mother.
smiles,
Elise

Patty, I'm so glad you did find a place for her, and I hope her adjustment
won't be as bad as you think.  It really will be better for her and for you
and your sister.  And even though you didn't get any help from those you
expected to be there for you, thank goodness for your mom's PCP.  Since
Assisted Living is just private pay in your state, what about nursing homes?
Do they participate in Medicaid?  She will eventually be beyond Assisted
Living and will need to be in a nursing home.  Both my parents were on
Medicaid
in nursing homes before they died since they had no money.  We had taken on
payments on their home to keep them from losing a place to live, and Daddy
lived there alone after Mother went to NH.  She died before he had to be
placed.

Please do not feel any guilt for placing your mom; you are doing the best
for all concerned.  And guilt is just not allowed around this newsgroup! If
it were, I would have felt guilty when Mother kept saying,"If you loved me,
you wouldn't leave me here".  But we knew that was the only thing we could
do, and I don't now, and didn't then, feel any guilt for doing what I knew
was best.

Pray all will go well.
Gwen

Hi All,

I wrote many months back, asking how to get my mom to go to the
initial eval ...  The comments and advice were helpful.  My sister
recently pulled out some of your responses I'd sent to her - mainly to
discuss how much WE have changed since last August.

Anyway, what has been most amazing to me is how incredibly difficult
it has been to find a placement for her.  She's been turned down by 1
place with a vague "we can't handle her needs," and every other viable
possibility has a long waiting list.  Or supposedly.  The one place we
had been waiting for, for over 2 months, sent me an email today saying
they NOW have a waiting list (which they did not before).  My mom has
no "real' money and payment for assisted living is only private pay in
my state.  Yes, we have checked into $ from the VA, and are counting
on that helping to pay.  Even with that, we are short on monthly
payment money.

Despite all the bad experiences in our search, while in the meantime
dealing with continual crises with my mom and her ongoing
deterioration, I tripped over a place a couple weeks ago.  They had an
opening, they are not super expensive and they accepted her.  My
sisters & I will still have to supplement her money, but not at a rate
that will bankrupt us (which is where those $4200-$6000 per month
places were leaving us).

I am not sure if this is the best place, but it seems to be the ONLY
place.  So I intend to try & make things work.  Hard as that may be.
She is going to hate it & I am feeling horrible about leaving her
there Friday.  Though I know it is my/our only choice.

Just a side note.  One of the things I find amazing about this whole
experience is how little any professional or facility has helped us.
The psychiatrist has played around with various meds to deal with her
depression and paranoia.  None have really worked well, though the
paranoia has decreased a bit.  In the meantime, we've spent all that
time never trying Aricept because of the other med adjustments....  I
pretty much think it's too late for that, since her dementia seems to
keep moving forward at what feels like a rapid pace...

The Social Worker at the psychiatrist's office never gave us a good
(that is, viable) suggestion regarding placement.  When I've called &
begged the psych Nurse Practitioner about giving my mom SOME med that
might leave her in less daily distress, he told me he didn't know what
to do.  Well, I recognize that a lot of it is trial & error.  But ...
he was telling ME to do what I wanted with her antidepressant, raise
it or not.  So much for professional advice...

On the other hand, my mom's PCP has been a saint.  In fact, he
suggested the place in which we are now placing her, talked to her
about how HE recommends assisted living (hopefully, she will remember
that talk from last week), and basically told me that I am a devoted
daughter (for which I will be forever grateful!!).

I'm pretty sad and sick about this whole thing.  Thanks for listening.

PattyC

Hi Patty, I'm willing to bet money she'll do better than you think.

You don't have to rub her nose in the truth if you think it will be
distressing for her. Make something up about being there for a
holiday, or while something gets repaired, or whatever you think will
mollify her. She won't remember what she's told necessarily anyway, so
why cause her distress. There is no point to try to get her to
understand why she's there or argue with her about the issue.

Its actually better if you leave her right out of the packing and
arranging. Its upsetting and overwhelming, and since she can't make
sensible decisions or choices, you are better off to do it all out of
her sight.  Pack her off for a visit for a few hours or overnight if
you have to so you can pack and move whatever she will need, without
her seeing you do it.

Better to bring her over there to a room that is already set up,
everything unpacked and ready to go. Be as matter of fact as possible,
no emotional escalation. Stay with her a little while, maybe have some
lunch with her, and leave her in the care of staff who can usher off
to join an activity so she's distracted,and go home.

Keep in mind, although it sounds cruel and deceptive, this is very
similar to introducing a child to a new daycare etc. If mom seems
distressed and makes a big deal out of it, the child is that much more
alarmed upset - they pick up on the underlying emotion.

She will adapt.

You might want to try the Aricept or the combination therapy of
rivastigmine & memantine. If her cognition is improved, even a little
bit, it may reduce her agitation.

M.

Time to change docs.  Seriously.

Well, you are a great daughter.  It's hard to believe, but some kids
would just leave their parents on their own without a care in the
world.  It's my hope that they're far and few inbetween, but it does
happen.

There's no question you feel sick about what's happening.  Your Mother
is suffering from something that's incurable at this point and
unfortunately, that signals the beginning of the end of a person that
raised and took care of you.  You don't have a boatload of dollars yet
you know you need to take care of her (see the part about how you
really ARE a great daughter).

What's NOT to feel sick about?  Anybody would feel sick about it.

You're right, it can be trial and error in getting the pharmaceuticals
correct.  We went through it with my Mother.  She was PROBABLY
suffering dementia related to mini-strokes.  Aricept and Excelon did
nothing for her, in fact, when combined with another major
pharmaceutical she was sick and seriously paranoid.  Paranoid to the
point where one day she dialed 911 and told them we were trying to
poison her.

If your Mother's doctor recommended this place, you're right to give
it a chance.  You never know, you might have the same luck Elise did
with her Mother and things will work well.  It sounds like you've also
made a good move by speaking with a social worker.  They've seen a lot
of stuff and have a lot of answers, though God knows, I have to ask
myself if it doesn't sometimes get to them (social workers) with what
they see on a daily basis.  The social worker who worked with us on my
Mother seemed drained.  She really helpd us out alot, though.

Good luck, and keep up the great work.  Don't forget to take a break
yourself.

Charles R. Whealton
Charles Whealton @ pleasedontspam.com