I've had Mom on a waiting list for AL memory care for a few months,
just in case something were to happen to Dad. We had slot #1, so every
time one came open I would just tell him as a matter of courtesy,
knowing the time that he would say her care was too much would come.
Telling him of the openings was a non-threatening way to check in.

Last Thursday on the most recent of these checks, he said "It's time."
On the advice of the staff, we didn't tell her until we got her there
yesterday. We then told her it was temporary until she got stronger
and until Dad had a rest. This is true -- if she were to get stronger,
she could go home --I just don't see it happening, as she is a fragile
diabetic with a pacemaker, low thyroid, etc., etc., etc.

She accepted it pretty well. I went back to check on her later in the
day and she was not happy but not miserable. I visited for half hour
today and she seems to be adjusting fairly well, to the point where
the staff is thinking she may not need to even be in memory care but
might be OK in straight AL (which is in same building -- she eats with
those folks and participates in their activities).

This morning my dad calls and blasts me for not telling her before we
went. Then this afternoon he goes and signs her out, refusing to tell
staffer where he was taking her. (After she asked in a friendly way,
not a challenging one.) Staff all freaks out and calls me -- do I know
where they went? She's due for an insulin shot in an hour -- does he
have any insulin???

They just called and said he brought her back, and I am waiting to
hear more about what his explanation was at that point.

But any suggestions on how to help HIM adjust to this? He obviously
has a major case of the guilts, and he's acting on what will make him
feel better, not what will help her.