You wrote:  
For a person who is aware he or she is developing dementia,
particularly those for whom

Mary responds:

I learned a nifty new word yesterday. Anasognosia. It's when a person
has brain function impairment such that they can't recognize that they
are unwell. It is what drives families nuts - for example, when a
person with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia denies there is anything
wrong with them, when everyone around them can see that there is
something seriously amiss.

Exact same thing happens to people with AD from the progressive brain
damage when the portions of the brain that control insight and
awareness. Not everyone with dementia is self aware even in the early
stages - my experience is that some are somewhat concerned, but a lot
more seem oblivious to the changes in themselves. They really can't
see that they are impaired. They have no self insight, no recognition
of their decreasing ability to look after themselves. Even when it is
screamingly obvious, they can't see it. And arguing with a person with
brain damage is like that old joke about wrestling with a pig. You get
dirty and the pig likes it. You cannot win. Logic doesn't work.
Reasoning doesn't work. All you accomplish is to get the both of you
all upset - and even when their memories are impaired, and they can't
remember WHY they were upset or even that a discussion took place,
they will remember they are mad at you about something and you are a
poop head!

We were very lucky with my mother in law in that her personality
didn't change much - but some people really do change considerably -
becoming more agitated and easily upset, more suspicious and paranoid.
They also loose inhibitions - not necessarily because they are nastier
at the core, but because the brakes on their mouths are gone. They
will say whatever pops into their heads without thinking about whether
they should say it, or what the impact to the other person might be.

And who knows how well diagnosed your friend's mother was. Frontal
lobe damage can really put the whammy on personality - even when the
person's memory and intellect seem quite intact. The previously staid
conservative patriarch can suddenly start propositioning or groping
every woman he meets, swearing up a blue swarm, or threating to punch
family members. The shy quiet lady can suddenly become very outgoing,
and start spending all her savings buying crazy things.

I've talked about poor little Jean before, a tiny Scots woman in my
mother in law's ward. She used to scream curses to make a sailor
blush, and throw whatever was at hand (including furniture), and her
poor son sadly told us about what a very refined lady she'd been
before dementia. Totally unexpected behaviors that were the complete
opposite of how she'd been all her life.

I guess my point is, you have to be very careful when labelling the
behavior as vicious, since that requires an intact brain that can
consider the situation and plot intentional actions.

Heck, I know lots of people with all their marbles who have made no
plans for the possibility they may be mentally impaired at some point
in their lives, whether temporarily or permanently. I used to work
with a very nice project manager who was still working in his later
70's. Extremely intelligent, capable and well educated man. He had a
wife who was a similar age, and a disabled son who lived with them.
Neither he nor his wife had wills, and neither had powers of attorney
for each other - nor had they appointed anyone else. I guess his
assumption was that he'd get lots of warning before illness, accident
or dementia hit...like, maybe the Almighty would dial in a personal
advance warning, so he could get his affairs in order.

We think we are going to live forever, and that our minds won't go, so
we put it off. And then when we get into trouble, either suddenly or
gradually, its too late, and we're too addled to take care of it.
There is also a big taboo about talking about it in many families. We
all know people whose parents get upset if the subject comes up, so it
gets dropped. Or worse, the parents WANT to talk about it, and the
adult kids don't want to deal with the very idea of losing them.

M.

On Jan 8, 12:22 pm, NO_SPAM_TO_dphar...@gci.net (Dennis P. Harris)
wrote:

Thank you.

It's silly to compare grief when it comes to dealing with aging
parents, no matter whether they suffer from dementia or not.  All I
know is the grief experienced by an adult middle-aged child over the
decline of a parent who never expressed love...  There is no word for
it on the face of this earth.  It's two hells in one.