On Jan 18, 9:53 pm, "deerwoodflo...@hotmail.com"
<deerwoodflo...@hotmail.com> wrote:

We are trying real hard to have faith right now. It is hard not to
question why God would do something like this. I know we are not
supposed to question God, but at a time like this how do you not?

Jill

Jill, everyone and everything that is alive, one day dies.   Flowers,
people, kings and emperors as well as poor, rich, young and old.   It is the
way it is.

On Jan 19, 6:58 am, "Evelyn Ruut" <evelyn.r...@gmail.com> wrote:

Do you know how you tell a loved one he is going to die?

Jill,

Well, you find the gentlest way possible.   You DON'T wail and cry for your
own sorrow, you try and keep your head.   This is about him now, not about
you.

Here is what Buddha said;   "Everything that is born, also dies.  Anything
that begins, ultimately ends, and change is the nature of our existence."

If you think about that, ....."every thing that is born, one day dies."   We
have all been dying since the day we were born, and we will be dead a long
time.

You enjoy the person and do everything in your power to make them happy,
comfortable, at peace and non emotional.   If they cry you comfort them.
If you cry, you try to hide it.   Make his last days of life filled with
love and peace.

Take it ONE minute at a time, and ONE day at a time.   Don't be burying him
before he is gone, but enjoy the last of his time with you.

MOST important of all, CONTACT HOSPICE!   They will have all the resources
your family needs right now.   This is what they do.   It is their only
purpose.... helping families whose loved ones are passing on.

On Jan 19, 6:58 am, "Evelyn Ruut" <evelyn.r...@gmail.com> wrote:

(Much snipped)

Dear Jill,

I am so sorry to hear this news. It is devastating.

We walked this path with my mom just last summer. Let me preface this by
saying, mom was in her right mind when we did this - sharper than half the
staff. In her final week, tumors in her brain got large enough to cause
problems and we had one day of obvious dementia before she started sleeping
most of the time.

But about 6 weeks before that time, we had the palliative care team
(slightly different than, but includes, pain management) and her oncologist
meet altogether with her to tell her the current treatment didn't seem to be
working, there were no more treatment options, and ask her how she wanted to
proceed? Did she want aggressive care or focus on pain management (which
could best be done for her in an in-patient hospice setting)? Eventually,
she settled on hospice care. It was hard. We cried. But we acknowledged that
we needed to continue making choices despite how painful they were and kept
trying for what would give her the best pain control for what little time
she had left.

So firstly - have they tested the cancer to see if its the same; done a
biopsy? If yes, would it be responsive enough to treatment to make it
worthwhile to do chemo/radiation to reduce symptoms and give him more time?
Would such treatment improve his mental status so the family could get
instructions from him about what he wants to do? Once you have those
answers, would doing the palliative treatment buy him quality of life for a
while, or would the treatment make him too sick to enjoy what time he has
left? All these things need to be figured out before you tell him he's going
to die sooner than he expected.

So how do you do this? As lovingly as possible. Say they found the cancer he
had is back (unless its a completely different cancer). Talk about what
treatment might be available, but say it's spread so extensively there is
nor cure this time; no chance at remission. If he is capable of making
decisions, ask him what he wants. How does he want to live out the time.
Remember, if he has gone through cancer treatment before, the idea that he
might die of cancer has already been part of his thinking. He is not out of
that five year span where they talk about 'cure.' So finding he didn't dodge
the bullet after all may not be a huge shock.

When you are with him, focus on him, his needs, his desires (when not
affected by dementia). Outside the room, do the emotional work you need to
go through to process this. Its ok to cry in front of him. It's sad and
painful. But while you are with him, it needs to be you taking care of him.
It's part of honoring your parents. Honoring his life and his process
towards leaving it are among the most amazing gifts you can give your dad
and yourself. You can tell him and show him that you will be ok when he's
gone. You will hurt and miss him. But he raised you well and you will go on
being a good parent to your kids, a good person, etc.

We each had to take turns telling Mom her job was done. That she had done a
great job, and she didn't need to keep enduring the pain just to keep taking
care of us. Telling you this is actually harder and sadder than when I
actually did it. Why? At the time, I was focused on wanting her to be free
of horrible pain. It was easy to tell her I wanted her to have relief, no
matter how that might happen. You might surprise yourself with your
strength. Leave yourself open to knowing you are capable, loving, and
resilient; you will do what needs to be done, what should be done, and will
come out the other side.

Wishing you strength as you go through this difficult time.

Adelle